What I see and What I hear

I've been unable to write for nearly a week now because much of what I think and what I want to say I can't. I type away normally and when push comes to shove do say exactly what I want to say. I will say that I am scared that this blog has been read by someone close to me other then a few friends that know about it.
I 'll start with some of the things that seem crazy to me. I think that I have begun to treat people who try to get close to me, much like my mother does. I fear close attachments because anything can happen. My bf made another comment about Sara and it wasn't nice. He called her a Gothic chick and said she was freakishly skinny. I sometimes treat Sara with coldness because I fear she can see right through me. I know that sounds stupid-but what I mean is that she reads people extremely well. I feel inferior to her-she's independent, pretty, and skinny. I don't have any of these qualities-or at least I don't feel like I do.  When my bf essentially made fun of Sara I felt like saying - "By the way, you know I wish I looked just like her." Not a lot of people get it-the whole skinny thing. I want to be able to wear anything, to not have to worry about size, or style etc. I want to feel my hip-bones again-I want a thigh gap etc. I want to shock everyone-I can imagine that if I went from 136- to say 106 it would be quite the shock. With the new year coming I intend on SHOCKING everyone. I definitely did gain some holiday weight. I'm up about 4lbs. Anyway...
I have some good news and potentially black mailing news. I about two and half maybe three weeks ago came to a agreement with a friend I've known since 2005. I had told him that I had engaged in self-harming behavior and that I was having a hard time stopping. I agreed that if I talked about cutting myself again that he could potentially black mail me into stopping. By this I said he could tell my bf. I can't lie and that's probably a good thing. I did cut myself the night of our last conversation-because I wanted to get it out of my system. Well I ended up with consequences of my own. I think that a part of me wanted a scar to be left, but another part of me wanted myself to see what I was doing to myself. I haven't cut for about 2 weeks. I know that engaging in self-harming behavior doesn't benefit anyone, it only hurts the ones that love you. I honestly can't guarantee that it wont happen again-but I can work on it each and everyday until I don't think I have to do it anymore.
I'm not sure if vitamins factored into our "black-mailing" agreement-but my guess would be that it would. I couldn't stop myself today and I bought some more. I took three and felt ill for about 20 min. I don't know if it was such a good idea to call my addiction to vitamins a chasing of a high. I hadn't thought of it that way ever and it does make sense-one might speculate that I'm high now because of the three I took earlier. I would say that I need a better reason then the reason I think I have have for destroying parts of myself. I hope that my honesty doesn't doesn't get used against me-I'm not sorry for the vitamins-I am sorry for the cutting.
Tomorrow is in 34 min and I don't plan on eating at work-or really at home. I weigh 136.4-eghh the holidays! Night all bb tommorrow.

Did he know?

It's Christmas Eve morning and it feels bittersweet. I feel a twinge of sadness and it's centered around someone I miss dearly. I can't sleep because all I can think about is if my brother knew that I loved him. My mother says that he used to sit in him room and cry because he missed me. It saddens me to know this, and I can only wonder what he felt or what he wanted to say that he couldn't to me. I feel like a terrible person for not being there all of the time and I wonder what my brother really thought of me. It's not the same this year-nothing about this year has been the same. I never really understood what the meaning of family I guess was. I would do anything to see my brother again-to at least speak to him one more time. Through out this holiday season I've held the tears back and been strong, because that's what I usually do. Has much as having presents is nice-having family is better.
Dear Mr. Mike,
I can't even spell your name long-hand-that's terrible right? I feel like I left a lot of things unsaid-some things I didn't think you were strong enough to handle and others I thought you already knew. I can only say what I thought I knew, and guess on the things I might have known. God blesses us with gifted individuals and those individuals bestow gifts upon those they touch. I don't know why God bestowed the gift of compassion on to me, or why I saw you suffer. God has plans for our lives and his plan for you was to become an angel. You saw things in people, you brought light to people's worlds and you did it in your own way. It's hard to think about you has being gone and often times I have to stop myself from using present tense-I make up jokes and sometimes cry. I wish everyone could have seen you the way mom and I saw you. 
I was well aware of the pain you were in-the struggles you had to go through-and some people only saw that-but I didn't. You tried to hide the pain you were in and you were good at it-and I thought I was too. I lived vicariously through you-but not in the way mom did. I don't think that I'll ever be has strong as you-but I do think that you've given me more strength then I ever could have gotten on my own. I Wish that I had just talked to you a little more, had just let you in a little more into my life, done more things with you. I feel guilty-I FEEL UGLY.  I feel like alone now, and it's not a fun feeling. It's strange but sometimes I think you know. 
I guess I wanted to say if you can read this-which if your in heaven or hell you probably can't I miss you, Love you, and wish you a a wonderful holiday with Jesus. He's got the whole world in his hands-he's got the whole world in his hands. 

Night all-Updates soon-It's been a while since I mentioned my weight etc. Merry Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Holidays:)  

Thinking about a lot

It's getting pretty close to three in the morning and I'm pretty tired to say the least. Before I fall asleep I should probably unload my thoughts so I can get a restful night sleep. I've been thinking a lot about the vitamin thing-and I'm addicted. I can see this now from a simple illustration and the input of someone I care deeply for. I crave them and I want more-I'm getting tired quicker and with them I don't so quickly. I'm more then tempted to buy more and not think twice-in I think two posts back I talked about setting up safe guards and how they do work to a point. There still in place because I have them in place.
It's winter, it's been 6 months since my brother passed away and it's almost christmas...and my mom is staying until the second.
....I'll post soon I know it's been a lil bit...easier when I don't have prying eyes!

Always, QuietLiLier

Just what I want to hear.

Is it really necessary to be called out on taking one too many food items-when there's more then enough to go around? I don't really think so-not to mention calling me out by name! I wanted to cry-and just walk away. That's just plain insensitive. Catherine that's too many put those two back....WTF. Again it's like what she really meant was you don't look like your starving and you certainly weigh enough why do you need any really at all?

I don't know what else to say-that really was embarrassing and I believe uncalled for.  

Last night...

I feel like I've been in a daze for the last couple of days. The type of daze that is caused when one suddenly stops something and goes cold turkey. I have not had any vitamins for two days and I have done this off and on and for whatever reason never felt as terrible as I have in the last two days. Last night I was really disappointed with the amount of food I ate and take twice the recommended dose of laxatives to make up for it. I paid for it-with a headache and less then adequate sleep. I weighed 131.8 as a result and that was shocking-who knew right...When I got back from work I weighed 133.8. Seriously! I gained two pounds. I realized something tonight though that's a little shocking. I have specific rules when it come to eating food at McDonald's. I don't eat crispy chicken, crispy strips, fish, really anything crispy. I also don't eat Quarter meat, or Mcdouble, Double, Cheeseburger orHamburger meat. About the only thing I let myself eat are the nuggets and the grilled chicken. On occasion I'll eat a McChicken, or a McDouble-but as of late I don't eat really anything their but the following: Chicken soup, grilled wraps, and nuggets. I have coffee and it gets me through for the most part. My "Inspiration" ordered a crispy club and that's when I realized how fucked up I must appear as of late....
I had 930 last night.....last I counted so I'll say 1200 at most. Tonight I've had 630. It kinda feels good. Now that my headache has gone away. Well that's all for right now-I have to start drawing, figure out my finals schedule, and bake some cookies.  So, So close to vacation-EXCITED!

chasing a high

"You're chasing the high",That is what one of my friends said I was doing-and he's right. That's exactly what I did last night after I got off the phone with him. Stupid ehh? I took the vitamins and it felt so fucking good-that I didn't feel anything, like I was in this place where no one could touch me, but then I woke up and my head was killing me. A real reality check and that was just with three off them. JUST THREE. It's so fucking crazy and I'm not so sure I want to stop-I didn't feel ANYTHING once the vitamins were coursing through my veins! This so messed up! And I don't have anymore.
I had to also hide behind a shirt today-it's easy to just say that I'm freezing; I'm not sure if anyone at work's figured it out. I'm hiding behind the shirt because with each cut my shame grows, and with each pound lost I'm closer to falling off the edge. I want to be in control of something and not eating at work is the only way I know how to do that. Today I just had soup and coffee-4 cream 2 Splenda. with two small glasses of coke and dr. pepper. I weigh 133.4 and I'm excited by it. 3lbs away from 130 and 3lbs away from that is 127. That's my goal for next Friday. Also something that is messed up.

Am I killing myself slowly? The only way I can answer that is by relating it back to my past. I watched for 10 years someone I love slowly die. It's a process that not only kills the person who has to live through it, but the individuals who are watching that person die. I can't forgive myself for "giving" my brother what I consider an eating disorder. At least that's what I call it. He watched me and was the only one that knew what was going on with me and tried to stop me in his own way. I told my friend last night that it's not easy to go from feeling nothing at all to everything. No one knows about this-about how I really feel. The honest answer to the question above is yes-inadvertently.

I don't like the term drug addict, but I am addicted to vitamins and that is my drug of choice. When I picture a drug addict, I picture someone who puts the drug before anything else, who is selfish, someone who isn't stable-someone whose in a lot of emotional pain-their either running from something or trying to bury something. As I re-read this, it fits me in ways I haven't really ever thought did.
I want to know that I'm loved without conditions-because right now I don't feel unconditionally loved. I feel like I'm always playing catch-up. I've been running a race that seems endless. Nothing that I've ever done has been for me. I wanted to get out of my hell and away from not being validated that I ran away and tried to find it somewhere else. There's always been something missing and I hate it. I hate that I'm falling apart-I'm not strong enough to fight as hard anymore.

.....I wanted to tell this friend that I loved him-but it just wouldn't escape my lips. I wondered if this was the last time I'd hear from him. He's in the military and it scares me. We share a history-we have an understanding that runs deep. I care for him greatly. He seriously wants me to stop-and in the deepest way possible I want to stop for him-but I feel like I should stop because this isn't the kind of life that my brother would have wanted for me. Does it really matter who I stop for? Probably-the person I should be stopping for is me.
I don't understand why I was forced to watch my brother struggle. I don't know where his strength came from-most of it came from God. My heart is hardened and I don't know what to believe. I'm not as strong as he was-nor do I think I ever will be. I've fallen of the band wagon and as much has I can pretend I'm fine I'm not-I'm really sick.
.....This is something I can't admit all at once to the one's I love. I don't like causing people pain and letting them all in on it would cause a lot if not more pain. I have to tell my best friend-and then eventually my mother and then eventually the person I live with my bf.
...lol as I'm writing this I'm crying because everything that my friend said is true and I don't want to admit he's right. There's only so many things that I can hide/lie about. With my friend he can tell when I'm lying and when I'm not-When I talk to him, I feel safe-everything's that ever been good or bad in my life doesn't matter. I wish that it was this way with my bf.
This post has gotten upper long! I apologize. Apparently I have a lot on my mind. -This coming week is finals week so I'll be busy for a lil bit, but I'll update about my weight during the week.
Love you all-formally Neverendingalwaysbeginning, CathTGreatF & now-QuietlilLer

Awareness

I've been going over in my head how aware I've become of those who are struggling with similar things; and this causes me anxiety. I have begun just ordering coffee again and I have a sneaky suspicion that some people know what I'm up to.  Not to long ago someone I don't refer to nicely outside of work made a comment that kinda surprised me. To make a long story short I love the peppermint hot chocolate at McDicks. The comment basically went that ordering them all the time would pack on pounds. In my disordered head it translated to you look like you've gained a lot of weight-probably should lay of the hot chocolate. I weighted nearly 140lbs  a week ago and now I'm at 134.2 so needless to say I haven't eaten there in about that long too. It shouldn't be a struggle but it is to not eat at where I work. In a sense it feels like if your not eating at  work ridicule is sure to follow. I don't appreciate comments or like to be looked at like I'm crazy. It's a terrible feeling to stand out and feel like a freak. I want to know that I'm not alone though. I think that for each of us that does struggle with a type of eating issue we feel alone-and we shouldn't feel that way.
What I'm going to type next, I have a hard time saying out loud. I am self-injurious and I've noticed that so are several other people-mostly all girls at work. From what I know this behavior is caused by having weak coping mechanisms in place or not having any at all. I know that from my own personal experience I learned from someone who did it and he was male. It leads me to suspect that all of us who do it/did it have something in our lives we're either hiding or running away from. From my personal experience I can say that Cutting for me allows me to release all my bottled up anxiety-that as sick as it going to sound watching my skin bleed puts me out of my misery. I can escape, and for just a brief few minutes I don't have to think about the pain I feel or the life I'm stuck with. More and more I've just had this urge to do it, because as dumb as it sounds I can't handle life at the moment.
Does the smell of a certain food or just food in general make you ill? Lately I've had no interest in meat. I work with meat, I handle meat and it's disgusting. It seems lately I have been feeling ill a lot-like I can taste or imagine this one taste and I feel blah right away. My guess is that this "taste" is from when I used to take a shit load of laxatives. The kind that you can take over the counter(and embarrassed to buy-the interents great for this).
There are many topics of discussion that weave in and out on a given day at Mcdicks. The conversation today, later in the day to be specific centered around how mean some people can be. I'm not sure whether it was both managers and crew or just one or the other. If I had to guess it was both. Anyway-someone made the new girl cry. 

The usual

I got a comment!!!! Thanks Katie for that-sometimes most of the time I feel like I'm writing to thin air.

Anyway I digress...
Today's entry is going to be about how I've been feeling lately. The last several entries have been really dark and if I've scared anyone I'm sorry. I need to figure out a way to channel my feelings though and not shut down or shut them off. So I guess just bear with me.
It's amazing that time has just passed me by-I'm letting life pass me by and for some, most people in my life that's hard to watch.
I don't have the answers or the solutions-I'm just burnt out. I've been told what to do , when to do it, and how to do it and without anyone I feel lost.
I feel ugly, alone, and not ever good enough-I feel suffocated. I want to still wake up from this dream called life. 
I had a reason to feel sad, I had a reason to hate myself and it seems to have all changed somehow. I know that what I'm doing is slowly killing me but I don't have the strength to stop. How do I bring myself back to life when what's keeping me alive is killing me?
I feel like I've changed so much-but not enough for those around me to notice.
I tonight didn't stop eating after seven. I had my usual one meal well before seven and then I had three egg whites and 4 breathe mints with a fiber drink couple of hours later. This was probably the case because I cleaned the house for about an hour after 7. What I will say is that by having a time in place it made me stop and think about what I was eating. I initially wanted pretzels but second thought it and went with protein instead. I guess very small steps are the key for me.

I won't be on for two days-the bf doesn't know about my blog and I'd like to keep it that way.

Tonight's weight is 134.6. My starting point I think, because I fluctuate between 138-133! So day 1 of setting a time in place. It went well. To take my mind off of food I usually visit my fav. Thinspo site...

<3 formally, NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning and CathTGreatF

Vitamins again

I don't know how longs it's been since I mentioned I take an excessive amount of vitamins, but I'm going to mention it tonight because it's important. I have been taking them again. They have a certain side effect that stops me from feeling hungry. I in other words feel nauseated and my hunger urge is gone. The reason why I'm mentioning this is that I think that if I keep up taking these vitamins in excess that I might die. I take three-six at a time. My heart has begun to feel tight and weak.
...Where it all began Part 1.
I crack under pressure there's no way around it. When I feel like the weight of the world is on me I just stop and check out. About a year and a half ago-maybe two now-I had realized one of two things; 1. that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough, so I just stopped and checked out. 2. that my brother wasn't going to watch me graduate and that he was only getting sicker. I started dropping weight and stopped going to school. But I had to work and when I came to work little did I know that my choices would land me where they did. I wasn't any good at work-that is work in a fast food joint and not only did I frustrate the people that I worked with but I frustrated myself.
It took awhile for me to get something right and eventually I did. That's where my now manager-thin-inspiration comes into the picture. I hated my job and her more then anything that had gone wrong in my life and she didn't make things easy for me. I don't know how or when people caught on to what I was doing-but they did. From what I remember I used to be sick a lot and I used to drink a lot.
...A lot of this is hard to follow and I apologize. I just want to find out the truth about myself. I don't want to run away anymore. I've been hurting for far to long. I hope someone figures it out soon-cause I can't live in misery forever. It's not a life.

I weigh 133.8. I had ice coffee, a small shake, cheddar and bacon bake, and several slivers of chocolate. I'm running a race at 10. I'd love to drop 2lbs or so in the morning. I also want to try an experiment to see if my weight loss could be accelerated if I have a set eating schedule/specific time I don't eat after.

I'm going to write in a journal and set the time in which I can't eat after as 7:00.

<3 formally Neverendingalwaysbeginning, caththegreatf.

Lost

It's the easiest way to explain how I feel-uncontrollably lost. I didn't plan this for myself. I'm supposed to be happy and I've lost what that's supposed to feel like. I'm deeply saddened and it's a place that hurts to be in. I'm stuck and I have been afraid for years that I would become stuck. Talking about how I feel only helps for a little while and then I'm alone and I don't have anyone to talk to-that's the worst.
I'm so physically here but not anywhere in the building psychologically. It's seriously as if I have checked out-it's hard to explain. For 3 or 4 months I was able to control it, the feelings of emptiness, sadness, tiredness or at least that's what I thought. I have spent a lifetime running from the very thing that I should have been facing. I was always told it wasn't my grieve to feel, it wasn't my feelings that mattered and it's destroyed me. I feel so angry about it all really. My life was messed up, fucked up and no one cared because in the end it didn't matter. I've been quite about so many things for far to long.
I need to find a strength I've not ever known to get out of this rut, and I need to find it fast. It's so hard to just forget everything that's happened this year. I can't and I don't think that that's the right solution either. I am a strong person and I can't let the circumstances be what they may stop me from being successful. As sad has it makes me say this I know that my brother was always proud of me-you can't buy that kind of love. I have to keep myself together for two more weeks.

On a completely different note today consisted of fries (Not the McDonald's kind) some ketchup two coffee's a granola bar, some yogurt and a Gatorade. A very heavy dose of exercise that was outside that nearly froze me to death.  So I'm not sure where I weigh in at but it's safe to say not 138. My guess would be in the high 135-low 137 range. So not much to eat. What I like to plan on doing for the semester forward is to narrow my meals down to one meal a day and 30 min of exercise. In order to start this though it would be keeping a continuous journal of when I did this , how I did it, when I didn't do it etc.
Just another side note-For the rest of this week including Friday I'm going to try and drink tea before I go to school/work. Or do something that leaves me less anxiety stricken.
So the moral of the story boys and girls is that if you just write down how your feeling and elaborate on it will make the "rock" on your shoulder lighter.-Now I am going to begin the long list of homework assignments and when I'm done I'm going to be the happiest gal on the planet!
<3 formally NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

The things I've convinced myself of

I hold so much in sometimes that I forget to breathe. If I were a metaphor I would describe myself as drowning in an ocean and the ocean would be sorrow, pain, misery, disappointment, disapproval, emptiness and sadness.  I think that I have convinced myself that giving up is better then fighting. I am tired of fighting with myself. I want to be so perfect, I want to be so thin, I want what I can't have, I want my old life and old self back without it I don't feel right. I don't know what to fight for, I am lost and it scares me so much. I set up reinforcements to stop myself from getting into my old disordered habits and their failing. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore and this time I haven't resorted to drugs or alcohol. I feel so alone in all of this and I wish it didn't feel that way. I think I might just be depressed after all. Feeling everything sucks.
Lately this all I see-all I imagine and I'm tired of imagining it. My brother is dead and I remember everything. I remember that Saturday when I viewed his body how cold he was and how afraid I was. I was afraid to touch him. I remember being at the wake and him laying their so peacefully. I remember saying goodbye and not meaning it-because theirs a part of me that still doesn't want to believe that he's dead. The cold hard facts make me sick.
I've convinced myself that one meal a day is okay.
Yesterday I worked at Mcdick's and ordered 2 large coffee's with two shots of espresso a piece. Some diet coke and some cereal.
Tonight I'm at school and I had a Luna bar, three coffees, pita chips and a turkey sandwhich with banana peppers, cheddar cheese and bacon. And I'm pulling an all nighter.

I have to fight through it ALL. I have to remember that I am STRONG ENOUGH. And on the days I feel my weakest I have to remember that it's ALL RIGHT.

<3 NeverEndingAlwayBeginning

Should probably be taking my own advice..

So the scale read 138.8 tonight and if I were actually taking my own advice I might be at 128.8 instead. If I thought that thanksgiving had much to do with my weight gain then I would have eaten less then I did, but in truth I think a lot of different things have to do with the number on the scale. This years been extremely tough and if I were to to pretend that I'm not hurting I would be lying. I don't fit into a size eight anymore and that's going to change for sure because I'm not comfortable with that. I used to be so neurotic about a lot of things and I have really just become lazy. I don't care about the things I used to-my looks, what people think about me-and yet I do.
I don't know who I am anymore, it was always clearly defined for me and now it isn't. It's scary to live in the shadow of someone who meant the world to the one who meant the world to you. When they're not around anymore you are left exposed to the world alone. I wish I wasn't alone anymore-I never wanted to be alone. I wanted to be the exceptional child and nothing I ever did matched in comparison. I promised myself I would never put myself through the hell I did just so I could be loved or a least feel loved.
I want to just die sometimes-maybe most of the time. I safeguard myself against it though and it is because in truth I just want to run away from the pain. I have kept most of my feelings to myself and that's tough too. All I can do is try and hang on..and find a solution.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Maybe I'm fooling myself-Maybe it's a good thing.

It is a Thursday night and I am alone in the computer lab of my college typing yet another post because I have nothing better to do on a Thursday night-it is kinda tragic. I am ashamed to admit that the past two days have been a steady binge toward what I call my fat suit body. I feel like I am in one and it sucks-I feel like there's not much I can about it. I hate my body so much that I have begun to disassociate myself from it-or at least that is my plan.

If I am on a one way train to destruction then I better start destroying myself before the train comes to a complete stop and I can't do it anymore. Right now my stomach is gurgling and growling and I feel supremely empty. If a fat girl can seriously lose 10lbs and a skinny girl can loose nearly 30lbs then it is not impossible for me to a. starve and b. drop 15lbs-eventually getting to 30. I've done it before and the road isn't easy but it's better then being fat today, tomorrow, a month from now, or a year from now.

I want my body to look vulnerable-I want someone to describe me as skinny or extremely thin. It has been way to long since I posted my idealism; so I'm going to do just that.

So my current weight is 134.5 and I am 5ft three. I am too embarrassed to post a lard picture that would be more disturbing then what I hope to achieve so I won't. I was 113 at my lowest and I was able to hide how I lost weight so quickly and I'll be doing that again-Stressfull!-Worth the reward though.

Just a passing thought but I really have the desire to purge at the moment. I feel like doing it-I repulse myself that much. I also wanted to mention though that I also need to keep myself preoccupied so I can ignore what i am going to start calling instant gratification growls, gurgles, and pains.

This what I want to become and be.

This I thought was simply pretty!
Night for now
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Everything is screaming within!!!!

I have been running for a couple of days now and it feels so f*cking good. When I run my mind stops screaming. I think about everything-I think about how much I should have done and didn't do-Am I really ready to start classes again-everything just doesn't seem to be fitting-I feel so wrong-AND NOBODY CAN MAKE IT RIGHT. It's this ticking time bomb I can feel inside of me and I just want it to stop. I'm completely not the same person. I'm having such a hard time and I'm afraid to reach out to the only people who actually can help me. I'm a vitamin junkie, I want to purge and feel the emptiness, I wish that it me who was ill and I'm not here-I'm in lalala land most of the time.

What the f*ck is wrong with me?

It's working?

I finally feel sick is that sick or what. I took 5 vitamins at once on a near empty stomach. I haven't had this sick feeling for what seems like forever. I feel like today's going to be one of those stressful days! I'm already anxious. I'm probably going to run at 7-and it's one of those haven't gone to sleep nights too soo...I basically have to exercise enough to eliminate the 500 plus calories from yesterday. I hate my self for eating so much!

I'm having a hard time.

I don't let a lot of people in because I'm afraid they'll just reject me. I think I get this from my mother-she'd reject people before they could reject her. Like the title of this post states I am having a hard time-a very general statement really. To be more specific-I'm probably won't be going to school much longer. This is really all I left-that at this point is keeping me sane. The talk with the counselor went well-most of the hour and half was spent talking about my brother. I feel like not a lot of people understand what it's like to feel a) like they don't have direction b) are forced in a direction with no way out.


I want to be left alone but I want to be surrounded by people.
I want to die but I want to live.
It's not enough to say I know how you feel or to share your experience, let me live through mine; I need talk about it.
I'm scared that if I don't keep taking I'm going put myself in the hospital. I'm self-harming again.


In my last post I had wrote about a manager I work with and how she's one of my greatest triggers. Well I though she might have known about my brothers passing-she didn't. I broke down...and basically was like nothing I do is right-blah-blah. It was one of the first times I didn't feel guarded around her and it felt great.

The past two days have been so emotionally charged I've begun to have headaches again. Today was a bad day for emotionally charged eating. I had the usual Ice coffee but ate a couple of wraps and started eating crap when I got home. Grr I'm not even physically hungry! I'm just stressed out.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBegining

Tears

I just want to throw my hands up and say I quit life in general but I know I can't do that.

Life is sometimes tough to handle especially without the ones that mean the most to you.

It's hard to think about what can be gained when all you can think about what you've lost.

I just want to cry and I'm so close to it sometimes I have to just take a few deep breaths.

On monday I meet with a counselor and I don't know if I can disclose much of anything other then my brothers passing. I feel like it's going to be a tug-a-war to pull some things out and I don't know what good it will do to just lie. I feel like a mess-I'm having trouble sleeping again and I'll probably be diagnosed with depression.

I want to go for a run but it's still dark out and I don't have a mp3 player to go running with.... I need to breathe. I've had an ice tea and I'm going to do a flush again today. I did one yesterday but forgot to mention it. Probably around 7, 7:30 I'll walk to where I work and get some coffee.

Observations from many perspectives

I don't know how to respond to the following story I'm going to tell you without well sounding what some individuals might call sick. I have been battling a vitamin addiction for a long time. I basically used them in the past to purge and in the past they worked well reeking havoc on my body. I have of late not used them as much. Getting to my story I was in the girls rest room and heard a girl purging. I call it this because from the way it sounded it was controlled. I was immediately jealous. How sick is that? I can't get it out of my head.

I don't know if I've written about where I work, I think I have and complained about it. There is what many of us affected by our disorderd eating call triggers. Well I have a big trigger at work and she is my ultimate thinspo. To make a long story short she's a manager and her ex-boyfriend is one too. Way back when I first worked at my job I had problems with her because she thought that I was trying to steal her bf. They have since broken up and when I came back her attitude has changed.

Well work was extrememly busy for most of the afternoon and into dinner. I had been assigned to grilling and frying the meat and chicken. I was tired and hot and when I finnally got my break I just got a large ice water. Mind you about an hour before I worked I had payed for a meal outside of the one I would have gotten if I would have used my meal. The two managers I mentioned above had slightly different reactions to me ordering a large ice water but were similar enough to basically say they knew what I was doing and that though I have tried to keep it to myself it's obvious I have a problem. I had brought an orange with me and ate that too-but I was suprised I got a reaction at all. My usual pattern's been to order an ice coffee and maybe once a week maybe twice a week to get food.

I feel like having her as a trigger has made me think twice about what I am putting into my body. I feel like it's a good thing, but I also feel like it puts a lot of added pressure to be perfect on me. I want what she seems to have and that is perfect control. I want to stop binging but I also want to figure out how I got where I am. I fluctuate madly between 136 and 134. In my estimation my trigger weighs less then 100. I know that the healthy way to loose weight is to just eat healthy and exercise but I can't do that atm. Today's calories account is about 500 calories.

I will say that when I came back from my break I felt spacy and what some might describe as light. I remember when I was dropping weight much quicker and the euphoria I always felt when I could say no. I was in control and I know I can be again. It's my body and if I do choose to strarve it's my choice. It is possible to go from 134 to 113 in two months. Whatever reason I feel like I am ready to get past my fear of "if I drop to 130 people are going to notice". I am going to throw it all out the window!!

I am in charge of my body

I can control my need for food

I will make it through all of the pain that this will cause

because I AM DETERMINED

My body will not win the fat war!

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning



Gone

Yes I am still alive but if that's what you want to call it then that's what we'll call it.
I'm trying to fill a void that is the size of a black hole but it's near impossible alone.
That how I've been feeling lately; ALONE and it feels paralyzing.
I knew that things were going to change.
and they have; I'm not the same.
I feel the gamete of emotions: Sadness and anger with everything in between. 
I can't put what I'm feeling anymore into the neat little box I used to.

It's beyond crazy-now I'm binging on food-I have to make myself think about whether I'm eating for emotional reasons or if I'm just eating to fill this hole-often it because of the hole. I'm a constant 136 because of this. I has of late though have been feeling less hungry. My goals seem out of reach weight wise at the moment. Even the small ones aren't getting met. Here are a couple I think I'm just going to throw out there though...


1. I'm going to look at my behaviors surrounding my eating habits. This basically means that I'm going to continue with my food diary.
2. I'm going to literally look at what I'm eating-by this I mean look at the calorie count etc.
3.I'm going to set a 800 calorie limit for the weekdays and a 400 calorie intake for the weekends. This means either breakfast and partial dinner or dinner and a snack or lunch and two snacks.
4. My goal for the end of October is to loose 5lbs.

Almost done...

I haven't put up some of the people who inspire me for various reasons so here's 1 for the time being-I'll be sure to load more when I'm on my own personal computer.

<3Alwaysbeginingneverending.

A secret inside of a box

It's been awhile or at least a while for me. I didn't finish the last post because I was tired and I've had a lot on my mind. I can't seem to get it right or a least seem to keep myself on a structured weight loss system. I literately fail. The only thing I can think of to do is to just stop-just stop eating. To stop going to the dinning hall for lunch, to stop going to the snack bar for food. I did this last year and I apparently was getting noticeably thinner. It's really sick that I want to feel as sick on the outside as I do on the inside. If I were to bring up that I have this disordered eating no one would believe me. It's all honestly so fucked up. To be more specific I am still taking vitamins but they don't have the same effect and it makes me mad. 

Here's a short list of what I'm stressed out about:

I hate that I've been eating

I don't know if school's going to get payed for

I feel like I'm being haunted by my brothers passing

I hate my job

I still have to finish a class from spring semester

.

I wish I had my computer!

Today has been a long day and not for the obvious reasons. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy and to incorporate exercise which hasn't worked out too well. I have a cold that has made it difficult to work, go to school and exercise. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin-I look at my skin and wish that I could do something to just cut the fat off. I feel like I'm in a fat mans suit.
....bb to edit this post hw calls and so does my personal laptop!

Click

First things first-the hurricane has passed and I and my family are safe. Secondly I think I've had something click in my mind that until now hasn't crossed it. There's a back story I have to explain however first. It's simply this; I drank I wrote and now it all clicks. I had written in a journal that I thought a co-worker with was basically an unsuspecting idol. What I find amazing about her is her subtle frailty. She's a hard worker and nothing seems to stop her. I want to be subtlely frail-I don't want to be solid looking-sold is healthy. If I felt what I looked like I would not be solid.
There's something that I've also been wondering about and it's this; if I'm only ordering coffee then what are my co-workers thinking? I sometimes order food too but that is predictable or bring in food. I know how the foods made and how it's cooked both when I bring it and sometimes when I eat in. I haven't had a mcdouble in forever-which makes me feel good-but is also scary.
So the gist of this post is to convey at least to myself frailty is what makes beauty.

A week and two days before school!

I can't say that I'm exactly thrilled to go back-I can say that I'm ecstatic that I won't be working as much hopefully. I only say as much because I've been siting on my notice for about two weeks and I'll be giving it when I go to work in the afternoon. The school is booming once again with SOAR a student welcoming program for incoming freshman. I've been coming up more since my days off have been coinciding.

Restless for the first time in a while

It's raining outside, and it's almost 5 in the morning I have to be to work in 6. I can't sleep because a lot is on my mind. I'm nervous about the semester, I'm nervous about how it's going to turn out and about working at the same time. If I don't live up to my expectations or other then I've failed. I know what I want to do-but want and will are two different things entirely. When school starts back up I'm going to be in the gym at least 5 days a week running and three days a week swimming.
I just want to do well and not be scared that it's going to fall apart. I keep so much inside and I have to be careful what I say to certain people. I hate that I have to do this because sometimes I forget who knows and who doesn't. I have a rant about the vitamins I've got currently- and it goes like this; fuck knock-offs! The vitamins I need are $20! Because the ingredients are slightly different I've unsuccessfully purged. A good thing right?
I feel so lonely. Lately at work I've drifted into outer space-sometimes I catch myself and sometimes I don't. There a whole lot left of feeling to do but no time to really do it. It's so hard to believe that I'm meant to go through all this shitty stuff for a reason. Pretending to be normal is a full time job. I wouldn't wish the pain of watching someone die slowly on anyone. It's all I can think about sometimes-especially at work.

A lot has happened and so on

Work is breaking me and I have to put a stop to it. It seriously only happens in the summer and I have no summer figure to speak off. The girl at work that I wish with every fiber of my being I looked like weight wise seems to do it effortlessly. I ended up pretty ill yesterday and was sent home about a half hour early-the result of my habit; vitamins. To be completely honest I wonder if the girl I mentioned above notices any of my tendencies. I usually order a lot of coffee. I obviously am addicted to caffeine but what would someone think if they only saw someone drink coffee. My weights only slightly fluctuated since I started there. I weigh a disgusting 135 and am at my wits end as to what to do to drop about 25lbs. I have no desire to exercise after a long days work and that is killing me. On nights where I feel up to it I go running-but that when I need to get something off my chest. It only amounts to two nights a week out of seven.
I have literately been unable to purge with the vitamins that I have. The vitamins I'm getting in about a week however will ensure this. I can't use laxatives when I have to work the next day because I have to move and function.  It's not fun to purge-it's a stress reliever like cutting that doesn't leave scars. I know this paragraph sound crazy but I can't write how I'm really feeling in a journal because that gets read by my fiance which isn't fair.
I am stressed out for the most part with the prospect of going back to college. Between being hired back at Mcdick's and school I have to be ready and alert. I find myself drifting into oblivion so much lately that it's scary. The death of a loved one is never a easy process and individuals go through it all differently. I'm definitely not ready to go back in two and a half weeks.

The college that I go to, has an annual running camp, which runs through late June and goes till mid August brings so much thin-inspiration to me. It also makes me jealous though-the girls are all so thin! I am hideous in comparison to many of them and it's not making me feel so great. I should look great too and there's no reason for me not too. I need to stick to what I say and create a stable routine-so I can be that girl everyone compares themselves to-body wise anyway.

Well this as been a pretty long post and I need some inspiration. I think I'll start with a couple of video's and then some pictures. <3 NeverEndingAlwaysBegining!

Here a little of scary and not so scary running/normal thinspo.

I cried tonight

I miss him so much it hurts. I cried tonight again and am haunted by it. I have waited for so long to feel something and now I feel everything. If avoidance is akin to blissful ignorance then agony is murderous. I want to be happy but I'm only sad. I hate my job-wont start with that though. Schools starting again soon and I'm scared to go back-because I will be that sad girl. It's not high school so a lot of people wont notice-thankfully. I haven cut in a little while which is good but I am back to vitamins and laxatives-which cause awful stomach pains when taken! I am 135.6....weird.

If you knew me

When I write I often write in short sentences or in poem like pros. It enables me to write down what I'm thinking faster and in a way that leaves my soul purged of it's deepest thoughts and concerns. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I just need to unwind for a bit.

I can't deny anymore that you've passed away, I'm angry and I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to say goodbye, because I'm afraid I'll forget you.
I keep picturing you in the craziest way, your not whole and that bothers me.
I wanted to be with you, and I know I can't be with you now, Where are you?!
Work is not enough of a distraction for me, I'm not distracted enough at this point.
I wonder what it would be like to just stop eating for a month.
I want to waste away so I can truly feel your pain,
If I thought the guilt, the pain, and the emptiness was going to get better with your passing I couldn't have been more wrong. 
I'm in a nightmare in which I will never wake from, the before and the after are just that.
I'm not sure what I believe at this point-miracles are a stretch for my heart.
If it is true that God doesn't give any one person more then they can handle why does it feel like I've been given so much.
I'm physically here but I'm not emotionally here-in that I feel so distanced from those around me.
I want to want to live and right now it's harder then ever to do so.
I wish that when I tried to speak about what I'm actually feeling I wasn't shut down.
No amount of work-No amount of distraction is going to bring back what is marked now as the past.
I used to be good at avoiding my emotions and putting them in a box-I broke down at work.
I'm tired and I just don't care about the things I used to care about.
I'm taking a lot of vitamins and it doesn't matter.

If

It seems like a lot of my decisions lately hinge on an if. If I spend this money here I can't spend it there. I'm so damn indecisive. If I take an extra laxative then I'll be sick all day today and wont eat much but I can't afford to do that with a 4-5 hour car ride. It's driving me a little nuts. I feel like I'm inside of a fat suite and it really is all my fault. I have to step on the scale so I know how much I weigh, but I know I'm not going to like the number. 137.2 and I don't like the number, although I thought it'd be something like 145 so I'm a little relieved. Is it even possible to get to 120? My body's making it seriously seem pretty close to impossible. 17lbs! Can I loose that much in two months? a month?
I'm in need of some new thinspo :)

Epic fail

I don't want to step on the scale, because the number would probably scare me. I hate feeling tired and I hate exercising. I hate my job, and I hate how time doesn't stop for anyone or any thing. I feel stressed out and wish I could completely chill myself out. I've built up a tolerance to the vitamins and can't purge. I fit into a size 12 dress which is two sizes away from a 14! Fuck! So somethings definitely need  to change! This week work is going to be crazy!

Suspect behavior

People are not dumb or at least the ones that are close and care about you. I'm loosing myself in the ones around me and just trying to make them happy when I'm not. I've used food for the last couple of months to console me and it's what I feared would happen with the passing of my brother. Isn't that sick?
I work at 11 and leave at 8, and usually only get an ice coffee....well on my 30 min. break-and have yet to loose any weight. Gr..!

Vitamins

It wasn't always the way it is now, by this I mean what the point of this blog is all about. I remember when life as I knew it was better, but isn't that how we all see it. No one knew my secret, no one knew the real reason why I was blacking out or what I was doing in my bedroom. I had a routine, I had a way of dealing with things. I put everything that hurt, everything that was troubling me in a box that was always out of the way. I put my heart into running and that was it. The following are just experiences I remember that have stuck with me and have to do with some level of addiction.

Wisdom Teeth

I remember feeling so much anxiety the day my wisdom teeth were pulled and then I was knocked out. To make a long story short I had an IV and after counting to 10 I was out. I woke up a while later in recovery and felt wonderful until the medicine started warring off. Later that week I ran the best 800 meter dash of my life; 2:52 with the assistance of pain killers.

Comments

I remember the coach's comment clearly and wonder how I could be so impressionable at 17. I loved track and field because it took me away from what I couldn't run away from. It was a safe place and I belonged. He stated that if I lost 10-15lbs I could be faster. I was crushed but I also took that to mean I was obese when in reality I was within a healthy range. There were no sit at the table rules so I would take dinner into my bedroom and throw half of it out, and run the shower and purge. One of the last times I did this was with ipecac syrup and I though I was going to die. I did this until I weighed in at 113.

When I was younger I remember feeling invincible and even though I'm not that old I feel like those days are long gone. I feel tired of putting my feelings in a box and hiding them away. I know that this vitamin thing is an addiction and it's something that could do some harm but it doesn't matter I guess. I guess my work place and the stress I felt can be to blame for picking up such a destructive habit. I wonder what they call this? 

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Life as I know it.

It's the things that we are the most afraid of that make us all stronger. I have days were nothing matters and other days when everything matters. I cried at work and was a bit sad at work and hid it well. I wish that someone would have asked if I was alright but they didn't. Lately the only thing I've wanted is alcohol to make me forget the time I felt like I lost with my brother. And I was dangerously close to getting a bottle of Jack Daniels but I didn't. I'm working on getting some vitamins again which probably isn't such a good idea, but I need them. They relieved my stress level a lot. My weight is getting ridiculous and I really need to keep up with it. I'm so tired when I get out of work that I usually eat dinner and zonk out.
So this next part might sound ridiculous but I have the best thinspo ever at work. I've never really said anything about it to anyone before but thus far she's the reason I don't eat the fast food when I'm working. I've been ordering coffee. I'm going to throw some shit out of the house-because comfort food SUCKS.
A kind of to do list is definitely an order:
1. One-a-day vitamins, weight smart or energy-get used to the nauseous feeling again.
2. Take the vitamins with liquid based food and not starch based food.
3. The feeling normally lasts for 30-45 min before anything happens.
I hope I feel a little better when I get them on Friday.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.

Loneliness makes me want to cut..

I feel like some things have changed, but not enough to create an attitude change.
I'm distracted, but it's not enough-it's hard to not focus on the one thing that's staring me in the face.
This phase of denial seems limitless-I just want to go back to how my life was before- I was morning someone very dear to me that wasn't dead.
The very word dead is distancing to me. How do you avoid feeling anything for years when it feels like you've felt everything. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore.
I feel like it should have been me. What do I have to offer the world?
My mind and my heart are not in sync- I just want to cry when I come home from work-some people don't know how good they have it.
All I have are memories and that's not good enough for me. I want to see my brother so much it hurts.
I've been emotionally eating a lot and it's starting to show-all this stress isn't helping.
Is alright to just want to scream sometimes are just be so angry you just want to drink?
I don't have any place to put what feels like the weight of the world down..
I want to just bleed really-I have too many scars though and have run out of explanations.
Anything I've ever felt just doesn't match the misery of feeling empty.
The world moves on and some people skip grief entirely-at least that's the way it feels.
I'm in a fog and I can only pretend things are completely fine for so long. My heads still in the clouds two months later.
Maybe I just honestly don't care what the world thinks anymore.
I was always afraid of what would happen to me after my brothers passing and it wasn't anything I didn't expect-I fell apart....
I just want to drink and drink and drink and then cry, cry, cry.
I can sum it up to this-I want to die but I don't want to die-I just wanted to go home and I didn't in time.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.

Work-Depression-Suicide

I may have to go back to the place where I left because I was unhappy and there was more then enough drama to go around. I'm literally freaking out about it!It wasn't a good place for me and I'm actually a little scared to go back. The place is a literal hell hole and it's a restaurant. I know I need a better attitude cause it does make a difference in the end, I just don't like failing and that's what I felt like I was doing. I could never do anything right enough if that makes any sense at all.
With my brother passing I just want things to be the way they were. He meant the world to me and my world just isn't the same. It really does hurt that I'm alive and he's not. I feel like I'm sinking slowly into a sand pit. In the days after his death I just had coffee and didn't sleep for two days until my body couldn't take it anymore. I don't understand why things happen the way they do.
I can only try to explain what I mean when I say I want to die. I want to stop eating, I want to require medical assistance and yet I know that in order to do that I'm going to have to suffer. My mind and my will power are always playing tug-a-war. I'm always in situations where I can say no I'm not hungry and I eat. I'm failing miserably at getting back on my fast I have not so many days left till the BBQ and I'm fucking up.
One of the only advantages I see with getting payed again is I can start to buy vitamins and purge the misery away. I've don't know if I've mentioned  that I am able to purge food when I basically overdose on vitamins. I take 2 or 3 and eat mostly liquid-y food and within 30 min I purge. I don't remember when I got addicted to vitamins. I do remember however when I was at my lowest weight that I used to purge pretty much without the aid of anything.
I hate that none of my habits have truly transferred to living on my own/with my fiance. I loved having my own room where after meals or even during them I could only eat half of what was served and throw the rest out. I felt disciplined when I used to basically run on empty. I can fast the majority of the time because my fiance's at work and restrict. I hate being watched when I'm eating. I hate being the fat friend.
If I've learned anything thus far with my Ana tendencies it's that I have to be patient. Habits are learned and unlearning them takes time. I'm an emotional avoid-er-that emotionally eats. My first goal is to pretty much control the time in which I allow myself to eat. I have to unlearn the fear that's held me back from my true intentions-weather they be harmful or not. All I have is time right? I do have pretty good control when I'm by myself it's when I around others that I'm easily influenced.
Well if this sounded like the ranting of a mad-women it was. I have felt pretty crazy at times and this has to be pretty close to the first time I felt extraordinarily crazy. I think the next time I post I'm going to have to come up with a mantra that fits my relentless pursuit for losing 30lbs. I do believe that I can do it and I will; I just have to work out the kinks first.

 This def. isn't me-and YES this is a FAIL.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

A food diary-what I call success.

For Friday July 1st I ate 3 egg whites [45], had coffee [80, 30, 10] tea [0], water, and fiber drink [10]. 

(7/1) 175 Calories 137.4 (Start weight)

For Saturday July 2nd I ate 3 egg whites [45], had coffee [40, 30, 10], tea [0] and water,  6oz of Ginger ale [70], red pickled peppers [5] and Fiber drink [10]. 

(7/2) 210 Calories 135.8 (Morning weight)

For Sunday June 3rd I have run out of eggs whites, but will have coffee [120], water, tea, Subway club

(7/3) 299 Calories 133.8 (Morning weight)

My goals have always been to high to reach as far as my weight been concerned in the last couple of years. For a while I was 130 and then 5lbs crept up to 135 and then 5lbs more crept up to 140. It's dawned on me that when I was losing weight that I always has complete control and now that I'm "happy" I just shove down my throat whatever I feel  like. If this is to work in the fashion that I'd like it too I'm going to have to stick to my guns because the 4th of July is coming up and I can end up were I was quite easily. 

I have widdled myself down to 113 before and I can do it again. I have something I need to get off my chest though first. I have thought of suicide once in my life and by the grace of God when I was about to walk in front of a car thought better of it. Does the emotional pain I feel begin to even match the physical pain I know I'm about to incur on myself? The answer is this: I watched for nine years someone I love dearly die. I do believe that my dear brother had anorexia and because of his illness and the physical pain he felt thought it was better to starve. I have mixed emotions about this because I feel like he watched me starve myself and it's how he got the idea to to. I feel as if I starve I can match his pain. I feel sick in the head for even thinking like this. 

It's been years since I've looked in the mirror and seen what I liked. I feel like my face is fat, my stomach could feed a third world country, and my thighs well are tree trunks. I want people at the BBQ I'm going to, to be shocked. I haven' t shocked well anyone in a long time. My present goal is to weigh about 127 for this BBQ since I did weigh 137.... I think that my plan is to reach for about 400 calories and then add some exercise!
Urggg! This damn holiday, as wonderful as it was caused quite the gain. 2.5lbs! I need to figure out a way to get rid of this weight! Today I'm going to the market to get egg whites because those are great for losing weight quickly. 136.6 after the holiday!!!! oh and 12 days till the BBQ and then one more day with the fiancee on Wednesday!

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Managed to be successful.

I feel almost invincible-almost that is. I evaded food completely today! I'm on a 3 day fast that might just be longer then 3 days. 

Okay so here's the deal. I noticed that if I cut back on certain foods then my body does it's thing. I've been watching E.D. related films all day and they are so inspiring. I have had literately coffee, tea, and water all day cause of it. If I were to keep this up I might finally have my pre-college body back. I WILL have my pre-college back. The hunger pains are just fat leaving the body.

Here is my declaration:

Take me away, because I deserve to be free.

I deserve to be thin because there are so many fatties that aren't,

Because the ones I love the most don't believe I can.

I deserve to look like my inspiration, even if it's my best friend

Because even though no one says it; I am fat.

I deserve to be in control of what I put down my throat and how much,

Because average just isn't enough for me.

I deserve the to starve myself, take laxatives, and purge,

Because in the end it doesn't really matter.

I deserve to be weightless like a feather,

Because 93lbs is 15% under 

I deserve control

93 pounds.

My current weight is 137.4 and I checked it 3 times.

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Hope

Can one person truly be the key?
Is there a reason why one person sees something another person doesn't.
Is it really the eye of the beholder?
Am I the one who's vision has gone all wrong?
I don't see him, I don't feel him, I don't remember enough about him.
Can one person's pain be the Key?
I saw mine, I saw yours, and no one knew mine.
Am I privy to pain all my life, silently hoping and praying just one person will see.
You just can't turn a light switch and say everything's alright.
You have to have patience and bear my sorrows.
I am just hoping- you'll catch my fall.

Feelings

I believed anything was possible, that at any moment the unthinkable would happen.
I don't believe this anymore, some might say I've lost my faith entirely, and I might say it fell by the waste side.
I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to die-but I'd never let anyone I loved know.
I knew it wasn't ever easy, Life that is; Some of us run, some of us walk, some of us crawl and some of are brought to our knees.
I have been brought to my knees.
I have to pray that someday I'll breath again, hope again.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning 

I have to start again..

I want/need to make the following changes:

The first change is:

creating a morning routine.This morning routine would consist of at least 30 min. of exercise and 10 min of weight training. I know that having a routine that controls how much I exercise and what I eat would help the pounds melt. 

The second change is:

creating a no-eating-zone. This means that if I do eat it is between 9A.M. and 6P.M. After this time I am relegated to chamomile tea. 

The third change is:

follow through with my weight loss-after I got down to 113 I promised myself I would never go below 130. Every time I get near 130 I freak out. I know what I have to do and the process is slow and painful. I dictate what I put into my mouth and if I'm putting cookies in my mouth then I'm nothing more then a binge-r. In order for my confidence and hopes to go up I have to slowly eat less and less. Like Eminem says "Till I collapse."

MY GOAL for the SUMMER from June 6th-August 31st is to loose at most 30lbs and at the least 15lbs. That equates to about 2.5lbs per week! I want those people who didn't think I had it in me to look at me and say wow! So here I come 110-115

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Sigh-dedicated to M.P.C 2/7/87-5/6/11

It has been over a month since I posted and it's because so much has happened. On May 6th my brother passed away from a long time illness at the age of 24. I can talk about his passing but writing about his passing is different. I don't honestly want to remember the Friday he passed or the phone call I received or my reaction to both. It is so fucking hard to smile and I'm so much deeper saddened then anyone else seems to be aside from my mom. We both knew that he was going to pass eventually but didn't expect it to be as randomized as it was. I can't express in words how much I seriously miss him so I'm not going to try.

I will say this though; Michael

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you,

I tried to come up with words to sum up who you were,

They're aren't any that are good enough.

The sunshine you brought others always brightened even the most thunderous of your sky's.

You touched lives in ways I believe you couldn't even imagine.

I'm a better person because of you.

When the storms came you weathered them, when the pain was to much to bear you bared it.

Some of us are given choices, you choose Christ when he called your name and eventually home,

What a glorious site it must be, now your body is free,

No more sorrow, No more pain.

I was blessed to have known you and now I can sing

Christ can you hear me? If you can I need you.

Your are my sunshine-Unknown

I listened to this song in the days after his passing it made me cry, but it has a soothing melody.

Amazing Grace- Leann Rimes

The day that my brother passed away a man that's never been in either of our lives wrote to say that he was sorry for my loss. That man was my biological father and in order to get through the day without having an anxiety attack I just listened to this over and over again. If there's anything that I ever learned from my brother; it was to find forgiveness, and I pray someday I will for my father. 

Tears In Heaven-Eric Clapton

I found this song toward the end of the month and it brought me a little bit of peace; just another soothing song.

In Loving Memory-Alter Bridge

I found this song also toward the end of the month and it pretty much sums up how I feel about my brothers passing.

Dead and Dying

The dead and the dying share one thing in common-The Reaper

It was brought to my attention last night that my brother witnessed the death of his room mate.
It made me wonder if this experience was traumatizing/beneficial or both?
His name was Robert and he was in the late stages of Cancer.
I feel like I can't stand either death-the quicker or the slower someone dies doesn't matter anymore.
I feel uncomfortable-I feel as if I can't breath
I feel sad-I feel as if I want to hide away, I feel like crying
I know the inevitable is going to happen
THE REAPERS GOING TO COME.

So the plan is going to go like this: failure isn't an option

I have college classes that are extremely difficult and have presented some challenges. They are almost over and I'm so stressed out! But with that said, I not a-giver-upper so I have to press on and pray that I pass all my classes with C's or better! So I'm going to drop off a couple of mental blocks here:

The first block is:
My worry in general and my family-I often get so side tracked with them that to get any semblance of work done is near impossible. I am worried about my mom and her health and a intuitive feeling I've been getting lately. If it does come to fruition that my brother doesn't make it though to his next birthday then I won't be surprised. I haven't mentioned a lot about what going on with my family because I wanted to keep them outta of this but-I need to say this-What is currently being done to my family by a "family" friend is so wrong, and I have often felt guilty for not stating my feelings, rather opting to stay out of the situation, however  I have stated my feeling and I am not sorry for what I said. It makes me so mad to know that this "family" friend has the nerve to alienate both myself and my mother from my brother.
The second block is:
My OCD compulsion to clean! I seriously need everything to be spotless so I don't find reasons to get up and clean. It is a distraction, not being lazy that causes me to not do my homework, and for the time being-I just really need to control myself.
The third block is:
My need for perfection in my work the first time I do anything. I am capable of writing efficient papers, and they do not need to be perfect.


SO MY BF WAS ON MY COMPUTER LAST NIGHT-and he didn't tell me about it. I hope he didn't find this page or click on the link. But in case he did-I will be deleting my history for sure on my computer because I have a lot of other things on my computer-mainly thinspo, BUT I will NOT BE DELETING THE BLOG. So I'm sorry I haven't been on all that much-I have one more week of normal classes and then finals. It's going to be pretty sporatic for the next two weeks!
<3Neverendingalwaysbeginning

A Plan

Monday

Goal 800 calories

No Coffee and Creamer, Only tea

 (The caffeine drop off is going to be so HARD)

Dinner

"Forced food"

Corn w/salt & butter and large chicken w/lemon pepper crumbs

[111+270]

Possible ideas

Breakfast

20 cal fiber drink

100 cal of Soy Milk w/ Raisin Bran 190 cal

Lunch

A bell pepper 50 cal

Carrots 35 cal

so....

Grams of fat= 32 g

 Grams of Protein=34 g

Carbs=101Carbs

390+310+50+35= 786

so....

30 min exercise

This time I am not going to appear down or "loose" it.

I literally am going to be a library nerd for the next two weeks!

So...if I were to keep this up for 5 weeks which am going too I could weigh 129.6!!!!!! 

So Goal date of May 15!

Okay so I know I can do this!!!!!I will do this!!!!

The pictures below are just helpful reminders when I feel like I might "Loose It."

So when this summer I go on a vacation I can actually undress and not feel ashamed by fat

 

 <3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning