The things I've convinced myself of

I hold so much in sometimes that I forget to breathe. If I were a metaphor I would describe myself as drowning in an ocean and the ocean would be sorrow, pain, misery, disappointment, disapproval, emptiness and sadness.  I think that I have convinced myself that giving up is better then fighting. I am tired of fighting with myself. I want to be so perfect, I want to be so thin, I want what I can't have, I want my old life and old self back without it I don't feel right. I don't know what to fight for, I am lost and it scares me so much. I set up reinforcements to stop myself from getting into my old disordered habits and their failing. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore and this time I haven't resorted to drugs or alcohol. I feel so alone in all of this and I wish it didn't feel that way. I think I might just be depressed after all. Feeling everything sucks.
Lately this all I see-all I imagine and I'm tired of imagining it. My brother is dead and I remember everything. I remember that Saturday when I viewed his body how cold he was and how afraid I was. I was afraid to touch him. I remember being at the wake and him laying their so peacefully. I remember saying goodbye and not meaning it-because theirs a part of me that still doesn't want to believe that he's dead. The cold hard facts make me sick.
I've convinced myself that one meal a day is okay.
Yesterday I worked at Mcdick's and ordered 2 large coffee's with two shots of espresso a piece. Some diet coke and some cereal.
Tonight I'm at school and I had a Luna bar, three coffees, pita chips and a turkey sandwhich with banana peppers, cheddar cheese and bacon. And I'm pulling an all nighter.

I have to fight through it ALL. I have to remember that I am STRONG ENOUGH. And on the days I feel my weakest I have to remember that it's ALL RIGHT.

<3 NeverEndingAlwayBeginning