Work-Depression-Suicide

I may have to go back to the place where I left because I was unhappy and there was more then enough drama to go around. I'm literally freaking out about it!It wasn't a good place for me and I'm actually a little scared to go back. The place is a literal hell hole and it's a restaurant. I know I need a better attitude cause it does make a difference in the end, I just don't like failing and that's what I felt like I was doing. I could never do anything right enough if that makes any sense at all.
With my brother passing I just want things to be the way they were. He meant the world to me and my world just isn't the same. It really does hurt that I'm alive and he's not. I feel like I'm sinking slowly into a sand pit. In the days after his death I just had coffee and didn't sleep for two days until my body couldn't take it anymore. I don't understand why things happen the way they do.
I can only try to explain what I mean when I say I want to die. I want to stop eating, I want to require medical assistance and yet I know that in order to do that I'm going to have to suffer. My mind and my will power are always playing tug-a-war. I'm always in situations where I can say no I'm not hungry and I eat. I'm failing miserably at getting back on my fast I have not so many days left till the BBQ and I'm fucking up.
One of the only advantages I see with getting payed again is I can start to buy vitamins and purge the misery away. I've don't know if I've mentioned  that I am able to purge food when I basically overdose on vitamins. I take 2 or 3 and eat mostly liquid-y food and within 30 min I purge. I don't remember when I got addicted to vitamins. I do remember however when I was at my lowest weight that I used to purge pretty much without the aid of anything.
I hate that none of my habits have truly transferred to living on my own/with my fiance. I loved having my own room where after meals or even during them I could only eat half of what was served and throw the rest out. I felt disciplined when I used to basically run on empty. I can fast the majority of the time because my fiance's at work and restrict. I hate being watched when I'm eating. I hate being the fat friend.
If I've learned anything thus far with my Ana tendencies it's that I have to be patient. Habits are learned and unlearning them takes time. I'm an emotional avoid-er-that emotionally eats. My first goal is to pretty much control the time in which I allow myself to eat. I have to unlearn the fear that's held me back from my true intentions-weather they be harmful or not. All I have is time right? I do have pretty good control when I'm by myself it's when I around others that I'm easily influenced.
Well if this sounded like the ranting of a mad-women it was. I have felt pretty crazy at times and this has to be pretty close to the first time I felt extraordinarily crazy. I think the next time I post I'm going to have to come up with a mantra that fits my relentless pursuit for losing 30lbs. I do believe that I can do it and I will; I just have to work out the kinks first.

 This def. isn't me-and YES this is a FAIL.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning