It's Christmas Eve morning and it feels bittersweet. I feel a twinge of sadness and it's centered around someone I miss dearly. I can't sleep because all I can think about is if my brother knew that I loved him. My mother says that he used to sit in him room and cry because he missed me. It saddens me to know this, and I can only wonder what he felt or what he wanted to say that he couldn't to me. I feel like a terrible person for not being there all of the time and I wonder what my brother really thought of me. It's not the same this year-nothing about this year has been the same. I never really understood what the meaning of family I guess was. I would do anything to see my brother again-to at least speak to him one more time. Through out this holiday season I've held the tears back and been strong, because that's what I usually do. Has much as having presents is nice-having family is better.
Dear Mr. Mike,
I can't even spell your name long-hand-that's terrible right? I feel like I left a lot of things unsaid-some things I didn't think you were strong enough to handle and others I thought you already knew. I can only say what I thought I knew, and guess on the things I might have known. God blesses us with gifted individuals and those individuals bestow gifts upon those they touch. I don't know why God bestowed the gift of compassion on to me, or why I saw you suffer. God has plans for our lives and his plan for you was to become an angel. You saw things in people, you brought light to people's worlds and you did it in your own way. It's hard to think about you has being gone and often times I have to stop myself from using present tense-I make up jokes and sometimes cry. I wish everyone could have seen you the way mom and I saw you.
I was well aware of the pain you were in-the struggles you had to go through-and some people only saw that-but I didn't. You tried to hide the pain you were in and you were good at it-and I thought I was too. I lived vicariously through you-but not in the way mom did. I don't think that I'll ever be has strong as you-but I do think that you've given me more strength then I ever could have gotten on my own. I Wish that I had just talked to you a little more, had just let you in a little more into my life, done more things with you. I feel guilty-I FEEL UGLY. I feel like alone now, and it's not a fun feeling. It's strange but sometimes I think you know.
I guess I wanted to say if you can read this-which if your in heaven or hell you probably can't I miss you, Love you, and wish you a a wonderful holiday with Jesus. He's got the whole world in his hands-he's got the whole world in his hands.
Night all-Updates soon-It's been a while since I mentioned my weight etc. Merry Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Holidays:)
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