Rum and Diet Pepsi

It has been a long time since I've had a drink. I used to drink quiet often, every weekend but that got old after a while. It allowed me to release a lot of tension. I wish that lately I didn't feel like crying. I have this ache that just isn't going away and I think that a lot of it has to do with what I did right after my brother passed away. I shut down. I still feel guilty, I still feel lonely, and I still feel empty. 

I wanted to believe that a miracle was possible, and yet I felt like there wasn't ever going to be one. I firmly believe that if someone believes there is hope that anything is possible though. I find parallels with what I'm dealing with. I still believe that there is hope for me that I can get better, it's a matter of being determined to get better-right now is not the time for me. 

I'm hung up on this and it's not going to stop being this way until I can fully comprehend how I feel. When I'm in the the binge-purge cycle I don't think about it all and that's what's nice about it. It is one of the crappiest coping mechanisms ever and I would never recommend anyone try and purge. 

On another note who like the Vampire Diaries? I <3 them and can't wait until the October 11 premier. In celebration of it here is some Vampire Diary thinspo with Nina Dobrev who plays the lead female role! and her co stars!

"All you have to do is not eat"

I swear it's all I've heard in my head for the past two days. If I listen to this voice I know how things will turn out. I feel as if the clock is ticking and time is running out. I've tried to loose weight in the past and it's not worked out. For whatever reason though now I feel as if it might work. I have promised myself that by the end of this month I would loose 10 pounds and if I don't there will be consequences. I also though have been feeling more drawn to cutting. Am I loosing my mind?
I might be.

I think that tomorrow I'll start drinking copious amounts of tea, and try and eat as little as possible. I work in a deli and while making sandwiches normally don't make me hungry the fried food does.
Fuck....two small tomatoes, a slice of cheese and probably 30-40 cheeze its later here I am.
So I work in 7 hrs! My first time on register and all that goes with it....asking for id's, bad attitudes, and a possible slip up. I think that instead of getting stuff at the place I work I'm going to bring them. So my goal is nothing fried tomorrow. I'm going to bring two small tomatoes, possibly a half sandwich and half the size of cheeze its as something salty, along with a big bottle of water, a smaller bottle of water and some drink mix. That will be my morning/breakfast intake. I'll probably drink some coffee throughout the day too...the bf will be home some I'll have to stall on dinner and snacks. So my mauntra for this month is....

All you have to do is not eat.

and

I know you can handle what comes

with it, headaches etc., You've done

it before.

My ed working against me....this is what I faintly hear and it's upsetting:

Yeah you, you selfish, immature, bloated, fat pig-those cheeze its you ate earlier they are going to straight to your ass. You know what you have to do to work that off don't you? Get up off your ass and do something about it. If you keep eating at the rate you are your just going to fail like all the other times you've said you weren't. If you really want it, to loose that fat you look at when you wake up in the morning your going to have to start restricting, lying, and all together it will pay off. That ache in your stomach that's what you get for gorging your self. 

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining, now....quietlilcontradiction or quietlilier on PT.  

Reality truly sucks

I have been M.I.A because I didn't have anything to complain about or share in the past couple of weeks. I am back tonight however because I think it's important I clear a few things up with how i am. It's easy to recognize when someone else has a problem, but not so easy to recognize when you do. I don't know what to call my problem or who to go to about it, because I don't want anyone else to know about it. Whether you want someone to know about it or not they know. I've been talking to a dear friend about what I have started calling a problem. 

I am addicted to weight loss/ metabolism boosting vitamins. I use them nearly everyday to purge what I can. Taken in large doses they cause numerous effects. They induce vomiting, they cause headaches, and they cause inflammation. None of these side effects are glamorous or beneficial. I can go about a month without them, but this leads to debilitating headaches and an eventual need for more to get the same effect. I'm ashamed that I purge, but not ashamed enough to stop. Most of this takes place in private and for good reason.

At this point I don't want to stop. I have days were it seems like the right thing to do for my body-but today is something I needed. I've been feeling like I just want to cry. I have a guy friend that I've let know what's going on, but also have a bf whom I'm engaged to that doesn't know the half of it. If this guy friend decides to tell my bf then all hell's going to break loose. How can two people live together and live so far apart. 

I guess I'm going to complain now. Last night the bf seemed genuinely bothered by the fact that the employees he is in charge of suck. He then went on to say that he hates his job and that he wants another one. I was all ears but didn't have much to say about it. I insisted on telling him how he makes me feel when I tell him how much I hate mine. He went on to inform me that because of me telling him how I felt he felt like I wasn't listening.

I have developed a problem that leaves no tell tale signs. I can clean up the vomit and I can muffle the noise it creates. I can cope with what people say and what they don't say through this release. The only person who could make me stop destroying myself is gone. I am left with a miasma of guilt that dissipates with each swallowed pill. I only ask for those closest to listen to me and not force the inevitable on me (This is for you Z).

I wonder how many times I'm going to write about this until something changes. I don't like to hurt people, though it's something I'm pretty good at. I fear that my bf sister might actually have an ED and one that is specified. She's been loosing a lot of weight-and instead of wishing her well I secretly am jealous of the control she has. I don't have any-how sick is that. 

Honestly the reality of it is-what it is I am doing to myself is completely in my hands. I fear that if I told a doctor, a psychologist they would just laugh me out of the office. I am 132lbs my bf sister is about the same height and 105-underweight. She's more believable then me.