Am I bulimic?

I'm not sure what to think anymore-to of what I'm capable of that is. I know that my future is a bright one, but what if I am paralyzed by the very thing that could make a bright future bright?  Fear is a powerful emotion. I've been afraid of the very thing that I am very capable of and that is success.
I have the right vitamins and if I take just enough I can in a non-logical way correct my unpredictable eating binges.  The problem is that these unpredictable binges happen on a daily basis. I take the vitamins to induce purging in order to do many things. I can't control myself. I have this image in my head of what perfection looks like and I don't care who I hurt in the process to attain it-which mostly is just myself. I've been called many things in my life and selfish isn't the worst.

I don't like the feeling of being sick-but thrive on the after effect of it. I'm not hungry for a bit after. I don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't got a hold of myself when it all started. I stopped a while ago when I got a nose bleed from making myself sick. I'm overwhelmed and this is how I deal with it-Sick eh? The side effects can be paralyzing after over usage.

Since I'm overdosing on vitamins and not painkillers, antidepressants, etc it wouldn't appear to anyone that I'm not healthy. I'm within the normal weight parameters, etc. I'm dying in side though and it relates to the past 10 months. I don't want to loose to much weight-but enough so that someone will realize how unhappy I am, because apparently I'm not depressed.

Is it so easy to hide such a habit? Because apparently I'm good at it....I wish I wasn't. I'm going to try going on a 500 calorie diet for the next week. Wish me luck. I've had a granola bar and tea. 90cal.

The truth about hope

I can't say that I've had much hope lately. If it were measured in miles I'd say that the distance is far and I'm getting tired from running for so long. One can't run from what they might deem a questionable existance forever. The point I'm trying to make is that I think I've run far enough-I'm tired and it's beginning to become laborsome. Is it fear that causes people to run away from what they know their capable of because one might not want to be responsible for future screw ups? Is self sabatoge a form of self-mutilation? A while ago I took a class that talked about resilency and how several people had made it out of situations that by comparision weren't as bad as mine. To be truly resilient it takes a special type of person: am that type of person? If I had to say anything about myself that I am proud of, I would say it's this.
I am not the type that gives myself compliments easily, or the type that takes them easily. I question people's motivation, wonder what they're really thinking and to a fault look to deeply into things. I have in many ways stayed as confident as I can, but lately I can't seem to find it. I need to work on being kinder to myself-to not listen to the voice in my head that so often questions and critiques me. Life is too short.

-Well that's all I guess for now. I'm essentially going to rest knowing that I do have hope and determination.

Hellish Friday

Well there are many things that I lack in general, but it's almost to point now where everything is privy to disorder. I can't remember my ass from my elbow and if I do remember my elbow it's because someone else tells me where it is. I have never been good at writing things down-but I've always thought of my memory has being something that was clear-as of late it's both unclear and not reliable. I have done damage to my body that both is outward-through scaring from cutting and internal that has caused me to have chest pains, loss of memory and constant headaches. Needless to say if I were a car-I might be on my last leg.
I have such an urge lately to just purge that its sickening. I want to get my hands on the same vitamins that I used before-because not know whether one is coming or going can have its advantages. I'm obsessed with getting thinner-and at any cost I'll try almost anything.
OK. So what prompted the post today has to do with what happened earlier in the week. I didn't show up to work when I was supposed to, nor did I let anyone know that I "was just going to disappear". In case anyone at work has a clue-that's all I want to do. I didn't loose my job-but it was a close call. Too close. I didn't cry at work like I usually would have. Instead I walked out the door and walked home, called my mom and talked to her about it. I have a lot going on in my life that I haven't mentioned because it's just so overwhelming. And that's the problem.
So tonight I came to work on time and it was S's floor. I felt tired and didn't get as much done as I wish I would have. My times sucked and I felt ill. I felt vertigo-like I never had felt before. I know the feelings and I'm not afraid of them anymore. I think that I've decided I'm going to just let this thing that has a grip on me take it's course.

Foggy Days

I want to eat the fucking twizzlers in my bag but I can't it's 9:30 at night and i promised myself that the night eating had to stop. It was my goal to loose 5lbs before the meet and today I ate far more then I probably think I personally should have. Last night J had the night off-and I worked for 8 hours had pizza, half a cucumber, a Oreo-cakester and twizzlers. Today I had a big binge day-a big salad some grapes, some pasta with peas and tuna. Some more cucumbers-some olives, 2 mini tomatoes-an orange cup, an orange, some cottage cheese, goats cheese. To top that off I had a Greek yogurt and a mini cup of Wheaties. Had 10-12 glasses water, green tea and 2 cups coffee. I ran for close to 30 min and did probably 15-20 min of walking.

The last time i checked my weight I was 132.6. 3.4lbs away from 129. Today probably ruined that. I feel utterly disgusting. My skin is pale almost translucent oddly enough. I want to see myself how other people see me, but i cant. I want to see my collar bones-but i don't want anyone to know about my strange habits. It was awful today after I ate the huge salad-I felt like a pig-out of control. I could see the reflection of myself through my laptop just stuffing the food in my mouth and thinking who is that-it's not me. I got up to get seconds and couldn't finish it-I played with it and then just shoved it to the side. I have of late to sabotaged my food. If i know there's an amount I can eat then i start eating half of it and throw it on the floors or mix something horrible with it. -if it sounds like I'm depressed I probably am-I think tomorrow I might start to fast. I have an unsettling feeling I'm back up to 134-all i have is 10 days till the meet.

....have to run to do hw I don't want to do...

<3QuietLiLier

Running away the pain.

Running is amazing and I'm lov'n it!
I'm obsessed-again I think. In fact I know I am probably going to have to become even better at hiding what I'm already bad at hiding. I did get new running shoes and they're actually pretty sweet. I've been running and it feels so good to get out the feelings I've had about school, life, and suicide. I'll add that they're suicidal thoughts not idealization. I feel anxious lately a lot and it's stressful.
Yesterday when I wrote that I was high it felt great to just relax. I'm finding myself angry lately-and a lot of it has to do with my family. LoL-I have no idea how the fuck works going to go....because I got high and it was so very funny.
Another thing happened-I felt tired but glad that I was actually doing something other then just thinking about food and when I don't think about food I don't eat. I worked for 8.5 hours. When I went to go on my break I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I essentially didn't want any fast food-the kind that has grease sliding off of it. Anyway, I ordered a medium ice coffee and the usual cream and sugar, and then said I'd like two apple dippers with it. Well I apparently didn't say it loud enough and got one.




 Well....I had written a paragraph about 20 min ago and just accidentally deleted it....

Anyway...the jest of the paragraph was that I'm wonder always wonder if anyone's caught on to my habits or if I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. S who I've mentioned in the past was who didn't hear me about the dippers and it just made me really curious. Well S is one of my biggest triggers. She is what I wish I looked like-my guess is she weights around 90lbs at most. I want that more then anything in the world. The question is can I get it or is my self-control not going to allow me to get it? If i can loose 3lbs then I can loose 33lbs.  It's at this point all about determination and will. What am I willing to do?

Well-since I'm bored and I need to write this down somewhere I'll do it here. My daily intake and exercise.

My intake began very early and usually always does because the shakes make me nervous. I' began at about 12 midnight and went from there.

Midnight binge
1. Fruit loops (2.5) servings...would have been nearly 3.5 but I threw a lot of it on the floor on purpose.
2. PopTarts (2) 1 serving. Woke up in the middle of the night just craving something (also the time when J came home)
3. Mandarin Orange cup.
Calories= 400+270+80= 750

Lunch binge
1. Grilled Chicken (1) serving
2. 1/4 Cup Regular Yoplait
Calories= 150+75= 225

Dinner binge
1. Cracker Cheese bitz. (2) servings
Calories= 260

Snack
1. Popcorn (2) servings
Calories= 125

Coffee Creamer (3) 75 cals
TOTAL=1435-354=1081.

...through some research (2512-[1435-377])=1058(Calories eaten/burned) 2512-1058=1454 (calories lacking).

Here I come bones!

:) Fucking high!

Yes I'm high and actually laughing for the first time today and relaxed-No overwhelming feelings of panic! and I weigh 133. All it takes is 4lbs to be 129. 4 fucking pounds-!129! oh how it would be so nice to feel skinny and not afraid that if I hit that number I'll be hurting someone I love.

Haunted

I'm haunted by the very thing that I obsess about and some of the people closest to me don't have a clue about. I can't even say it out loud it brings with it a lot of emotion. When I think back to the times in my mind that stick out the most and have to do with an eating disorder I just wish I was back there. I felt protected even if it was on an unconscious level. Tonight I cried when I tried to make peanut butter cookies-breathed made the mix and then ate both the actual cookie and some mix. I felt dizzy shortly before and remembered the feeling from when I was really ill and nobody had a clue. I don't know if it's the fact that no one noticed what I was doing to myself or how serious it could have gotten if my brother hadn't asked me why I was measuring my food. I'm truly haunted by the ramifications that were caused by me. I've been told most of my life by my mother that everything was my fault and when she used to get mad it was always me she directed her anger toward. How could she not have a clue?
I've been running lately and it's been my release from work, my life, the stress, everything. I can let go-I can run away from it all.
I wish that I could literally disappear and not have to deal with the stream of information that just keeps flowing out of both my parents. My dad makes me want to crank the radio so loud that I just burst out laughing instead of crying. I don't want to be hurt by them and I have to say with a little reluctance it's exactly whats happening. I've held on to so many beliefs about things that I thought to be true and now they're not true. I don't want to be lied to anymore. I've had to hide my true feelings all my life because no one wants to hear them. I'm not free of the things that I thought I would be. It's going to sound nuts but I still worry about my brother, I still feel like in some deep way I'm still fighting for him. I've convinced myself that the only way I'll be able to feel anything is by feeling nothing. I don't want to get up in the morning because I know what each day will bring. It's the quiet in my head that I'm afraid off. It's like I feel flat lined and that usually is an indication of being dead. I want the memories, the  guilt that I feel to stop raining down on me-I want the heavy clouds of guilt to fade and for the sky to be bright.

Today I drank 2 pitchers full of water in an attempt to rid my body of the cookies because I felt disgusting after eating them. I also ran over 4 miles to just think; running faster then I was comfortable with. So for calories-not a clue my guess is high on the scale-I'm averaging about 1150. So according to www.caloriecount.com I should be eating 1812-I'm consistently under this number and am about 133. I have a current goal of 125 and an ultimate goal of 100...which I know to most is probably not healthy but I think I can control what's eating me..

<3 QuietLiLier

Cut

Last night I had a dream that surprised me-I dreamed that I relapsed into my disordered eating. I feel back into a pattern that made me feel safe. For the past 4 days I've had this urge to cut and it's making me feel very uncomfortable. I can literally picture taking a blade and just making a huge cut. One of the only reasons why I've not done it is because I don't want to have to explain why I did it or what might have caused it. I like having control over what I do and don't eat, but it's also stressful. I feel fat...and needless to say i am

It runs so deep

I feel guilty and it's causing me a lot of anguish lately. I can be so selfish, and yet I find justifications for it. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm really sad when I'm angry. This place that I'm at doesn't feel safe. I don't have any close friends anymore, I'm terrified I'm going to be alone like my mother, and careless like my father. How do I incorporate two worlds into one when I'm not ready to let go off the world I'm most familiar with.... what the hell do I do, when I don't know what to do?