"You're chasing the high",That is what one of my friends said I was doing-and he's right. That's exactly what I did last night after I got off the phone with him. Stupid ehh? I took the vitamins and it felt so fucking good-that I didn't feel anything, like I was in this place where no one could touch me, but then I woke up and my head was killing me. A real reality check and that was just with three off them. JUST THREE. It's so fucking crazy and I'm not so sure I want to stop-I didn't feel ANYTHING once the vitamins were coursing through my veins! This so messed up! And I don't have anymore.
I had to also hide behind a shirt today-it's easy to just say that I'm freezing; I'm not sure if anyone at work's figured it out. I'm hiding behind the shirt because with each cut my shame grows, and with each pound lost I'm closer to falling off the edge. I want to be in control of something and not eating at work is the only way I know how to do that. Today I just had soup and coffee-4 cream 2 Splenda. with two small glasses of coke and dr. pepper. I weigh 133.4 and I'm excited by it. 3lbs away from 130 and 3lbs away from that is 127. That's my goal for next Friday. Also something that is messed up.
Am I killing myself slowly? The only way I can answer that is by relating it back to my past. I watched for 10 years someone I love slowly die. It's a process that not only kills the person who has to live through it, but the individuals who are watching that person die. I can't forgive myself for "giving" my brother what I consider an eating disorder. At least that's what I call it. He watched me and was the only one that knew what was going on with me and tried to stop me in his own way. I told my friend last night that it's not easy to go from feeling nothing at all to everything. No one knows about this-about how I really feel. The honest answer to the question above is yes-inadvertently.
I don't like the term drug addict, but I am addicted to vitamins and that is my drug of choice. When I picture a drug addict, I picture someone who puts the drug before anything else, who is selfish, someone who isn't stable-someone whose in a lot of emotional pain-their either running from something or trying to bury something. As I re-read this, it fits me in ways I haven't really ever thought did.
I want to know that I'm loved without conditions-because right now I don't feel unconditionally loved. I feel like I'm always playing catch-up. I've been running a race that seems endless. Nothing that I've ever done has been for me. I wanted to get out of my hell and away from not being validated that I ran away and tried to find it somewhere else. There's always been something missing and I hate it. I hate that I'm falling apart-I'm not strong enough to fight as hard anymore.
.....I wanted to tell this friend that I loved him-but it just wouldn't escape my lips. I wondered if this was the last time I'd hear from him. He's in the military and it scares me. We share a history-we have an understanding that runs deep. I care for him greatly. He seriously wants me to stop-and in the deepest way possible I want to stop for him-but I feel like I should stop because this isn't the kind of life that my brother would have wanted for me. Does it really matter who I stop for? Probably-the person I should be stopping for is me.
I don't understand why I was forced to watch my brother struggle. I don't know where his strength came from-most of it came from God. My heart is hardened and I don't know what to believe. I'm not as strong as he was-nor do I think I ever will be. I've fallen of the band wagon and as much has I can pretend I'm fine I'm not-I'm really sick.
.....This is something I can't admit all at once to the one's I love. I don't like causing people pain and letting them all in on it would cause a lot if not more pain. I have to tell my best friend-and then eventually my mother and then eventually the person I live with my bf.
...lol as I'm writing this I'm crying because everything that my friend said is true and I don't want to admit he's right. There's only so many things that I can hide/lie about. With my friend he can tell when I'm lying and when I'm not-When I talk to him, I feel safe-everything's that ever been good or bad in my life doesn't matter. I wish that it was this way with my bf.
This post has gotten upper long! I apologize. Apparently I have a lot on my mind. -This coming week is finals week so I'll be busy for a lil bit, but I'll update about my weight during the week.
Love you all-formally Neverendingalwaysbeginning, CathTGreatF & now-QuietlilLer
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