Everything is screaming within!!!!

I have been running for a couple of days now and it feels so f*cking good. When I run my mind stops screaming. I think about everything-I think about how much I should have done and didn't do-Am I really ready to start classes again-everything just doesn't seem to be fitting-I feel so wrong-AND NOBODY CAN MAKE IT RIGHT. It's this ticking time bomb I can feel inside of me and I just want it to stop. I'm completely not the same person. I'm having such a hard time and I'm afraid to reach out to the only people who actually can help me. I'm a vitamin junkie, I want to purge and feel the emptiness, I wish that it me who was ill and I'm not here-I'm in lalala land most of the time.

What the f*ck is wrong with me?

It's working?

I finally feel sick is that sick or what. I took 5 vitamins at once on a near empty stomach. I haven't had this sick feeling for what seems like forever. I feel like today's going to be one of those stressful days! I'm already anxious. I'm probably going to run at 7-and it's one of those haven't gone to sleep nights too soo...I basically have to exercise enough to eliminate the 500 plus calories from yesterday. I hate my self for eating so much!

I'm having a hard time.

I don't let a lot of people in because I'm afraid they'll just reject me. I think I get this from my mother-she'd reject people before they could reject her. Like the title of this post states I am having a hard time-a very general statement really. To be more specific-I'm probably won't be going to school much longer. This is really all I left-that at this point is keeping me sane. The talk with the counselor went well-most of the hour and half was spent talking about my brother. I feel like not a lot of people understand what it's like to feel a) like they don't have direction b) are forced in a direction with no way out.


I want to be left alone but I want to be surrounded by people.
I want to die but I want to live.
It's not enough to say I know how you feel or to share your experience, let me live through mine; I need talk about it.
I'm scared that if I don't keep taking I'm going put myself in the hospital. I'm self-harming again.


In my last post I had wrote about a manager I work with and how she's one of my greatest triggers. Well I though she might have known about my brothers passing-she didn't. I broke down...and basically was like nothing I do is right-blah-blah. It was one of the first times I didn't feel guarded around her and it felt great.

The past two days have been so emotionally charged I've begun to have headaches again. Today was a bad day for emotionally charged eating. I had the usual Ice coffee but ate a couple of wraps and started eating crap when I got home. Grr I'm not even physically hungry! I'm just stressed out.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBegining

Tears

I just want to throw my hands up and say I quit life in general but I know I can't do that.

Life is sometimes tough to handle especially without the ones that mean the most to you.

It's hard to think about what can be gained when all you can think about what you've lost.

I just want to cry and I'm so close to it sometimes I have to just take a few deep breaths.

On monday I meet with a counselor and I don't know if I can disclose much of anything other then my brothers passing. I feel like it's going to be a tug-a-war to pull some things out and I don't know what good it will do to just lie. I feel like a mess-I'm having trouble sleeping again and I'll probably be diagnosed with depression.

I want to go for a run but it's still dark out and I don't have a mp3 player to go running with.... I need to breathe. I've had an ice tea and I'm going to do a flush again today. I did one yesterday but forgot to mention it. Probably around 7, 7:30 I'll walk to where I work and get some coffee.

Observations from many perspectives

I don't know how to respond to the following story I'm going to tell you without well sounding what some individuals might call sick. I have been battling a vitamin addiction for a long time. I basically used them in the past to purge and in the past they worked well reeking havoc on my body. I have of late not used them as much. Getting to my story I was in the girls rest room and heard a girl purging. I call it this because from the way it sounded it was controlled. I was immediately jealous. How sick is that? I can't get it out of my head.

I don't know if I've written about where I work, I think I have and complained about it. There is what many of us affected by our disorderd eating call triggers. Well I have a big trigger at work and she is my ultimate thinspo. To make a long story short she's a manager and her ex-boyfriend is one too. Way back when I first worked at my job I had problems with her because she thought that I was trying to steal her bf. They have since broken up and when I came back her attitude has changed.

Well work was extrememly busy for most of the afternoon and into dinner. I had been assigned to grilling and frying the meat and chicken. I was tired and hot and when I finnally got my break I just got a large ice water. Mind you about an hour before I worked I had payed for a meal outside of the one I would have gotten if I would have used my meal. The two managers I mentioned above had slightly different reactions to me ordering a large ice water but were similar enough to basically say they knew what I was doing and that though I have tried to keep it to myself it's obvious I have a problem. I had brought an orange with me and ate that too-but I was suprised I got a reaction at all. My usual pattern's been to order an ice coffee and maybe once a week maybe twice a week to get food.

I feel like having her as a trigger has made me think twice about what I am putting into my body. I feel like it's a good thing, but I also feel like it puts a lot of added pressure to be perfect on me. I want what she seems to have and that is perfect control. I want to stop binging but I also want to figure out how I got where I am. I fluctuate madly between 136 and 134. In my estimation my trigger weighs less then 100. I know that the healthy way to loose weight is to just eat healthy and exercise but I can't do that atm. Today's calories account is about 500 calories.

I will say that when I came back from my break I felt spacy and what some might describe as light. I remember when I was dropping weight much quicker and the euphoria I always felt when I could say no. I was in control and I know I can be again. It's my body and if I do choose to strarve it's my choice. It is possible to go from 134 to 113 in two months. Whatever reason I feel like I am ready to get past my fear of "if I drop to 130 people are going to notice". I am going to throw it all out the window!!

I am in charge of my body

I can control my need for food

I will make it through all of the pain that this will cause

because I AM DETERMINED

My body will not win the fat war!

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning



Gone

Yes I am still alive but if that's what you want to call it then that's what we'll call it.
I'm trying to fill a void that is the size of a black hole but it's near impossible alone.
That how I've been feeling lately; ALONE and it feels paralyzing.
I knew that things were going to change.
and they have; I'm not the same.
I feel the gamete of emotions: Sadness and anger with everything in between. 
I can't put what I'm feeling anymore into the neat little box I used to.

It's beyond crazy-now I'm binging on food-I have to make myself think about whether I'm eating for emotional reasons or if I'm just eating to fill this hole-often it because of the hole. I'm a constant 136 because of this. I has of late though have been feeling less hungry. My goals seem out of reach weight wise at the moment. Even the small ones aren't getting met. Here are a couple I think I'm just going to throw out there though...


1. I'm going to look at my behaviors surrounding my eating habits. This basically means that I'm going to continue with my food diary.
2. I'm going to literally look at what I'm eating-by this I mean look at the calorie count etc.
3.I'm going to set a 800 calorie limit for the weekdays and a 400 calorie intake for the weekends. This means either breakfast and partial dinner or dinner and a snack or lunch and two snacks.
4. My goal for the end of October is to loose 5lbs.

Almost done...

I haven't put up some of the people who inspire me for various reasons so here's 1 for the time being-I'll be sure to load more when I'm on my own personal computer.

<3Alwaysbeginingneverending.