Toothpaste

Tonight I took pictures of myself and what they reveled were nothing short of awful. I hate the way that I look, but am afraid to really reveal this to anyone. I have replaced self-harming behavior; i.e cutting, with binging and purging several times a week and it's getting old. I'm taking an appetite suppressant and it's not working. I've gained weight and it scares me that if I don't get back to where I was I will literally go off the deep end. To most people being 140lbs isn't heavy, but to me it feels heavy. I work at a convenience store where while we're working we can have almost anything. I've stayed away from most of the candy, but the cheese, meat, and other snack items I haven't. I tried lessening my coffee intake, but that only leaves me tired and cranky. I've been drinking tea instead lately because I don't add creamer or sugar to it. Is it the sheer amount I'm eating that's making me fat? or is it that time of the month? Whatever it is, it's not helping that the bf buys junk, drinks soda and doesn't exercise. Over the summer I wanted to run farther, walk farther, but I only had myself to compete with. It's the worst feeling to feel alone. I feel like any attempt to loose weight is judged. It would help me to know that if I'm loosing weight in a healthy way that my behavior be encouraged. I tried several different things during the summer. One of the main things that worked was to not eat after a certain time. What destroyed that behavior was my inability to stick with it. I don't usually eat breakfast, so I end up eating past the time I'd set. I'm going to try an experiment and it's going to go like this. When I work, which is four days a week I'm going to allow myself as much tea and water, but fried food is off the table completely. I am limited to either 2 pieces of cheese out of the deli or to 2 Cabot 80 cal blocks. Deli sandwiches are on the table, but lettuce, tomato, green peppers, onions are it. Breath mints, gum are alright. Chips and candy are of the table. A usual day is 11-8. Tomorrow is an 11-8 so by 4 I should have coffee and raisin oatmeal. On the days that I work, I'll do a workout video. If it takes 21 days to create a habit. Then here goes. ....My first goal: For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks I will record what I eat and what I drink in a timely manor: Within 30 min. .....My second goal:For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks 8 P.M. be at which consumption of food ends so cleansing can begin, with an hour decrease each week. ......My third goal: For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks I exercise a minimum of 4 times a week for 20 min. So here is the disgusting picture of myself that shocked me a little.