Seeing Red

I didn't just do it on a whim, I've wanted to do it for so long
To just feel that rush again, to get butterflies in my stomach,
To not feel vile, to not want to vomit at the sight of myself,

The silver edge of a razor blade- one dull and one piercing.
I promised I wouldn't, but I had enough. I had to feel like I could breathe again, and I breathed.
I slide the blade into my skin, I watched my skin open up and bleed.
I'm tired of feeling everything-I just want to feel nothing.
I don't want my thoughts to overwhelm me-so I slid till I saw more blood.
I want to do it a thousand more times, but I know it wont make me feel better.
Tonight I want to drink until I'm silly-but I know there would  be consequences. 
I'm so tired-and yet I don't want to die.
I've never been defined as myself, I'm scared to be full of capabilities.
No one I loves knows I self-injure on a periodic bases-in my family anyway.
I have to be up in 8 hours and I don't know how I'm going to hide the cut.
I convinced myself that I was making a mistake and stopped at just one.
It's all a lie-I'm not mad, I'm sad-Anger's only half of it.
I'm in love with someone I can never half.....a girl.
I'm in love with how thin she is-and I'm jealous of her self control.
I'd die if she knew. It's hell. Love. Hate. There really not that different.
...Now comes the hard part.
School in the morning and maybe a starvation diet of 500 cals....

Night.
P.s. I know I messed up tonight, but life is just sometimes so damn difficult.

All I want to do is...

Cry. It just hits me sometimes-I want my heart to stop hurting. I don't want to feel alone anymore. I feel overwhelmed and lost. I'm not sorry for coming back to school-I have to get it done. I ran today for close to an hour and now I'm just really tired. I Want so many people to understand what I'm going through. I miss my brother dearly. Why did this happen to me? I'm old-I'm 24 and I wish I could stay this number. I feel I was a horrible sister....I wanted to leave and I did. I'm literally in a battle with myself.
I can be so rational-and at other times I feel incompetent. I want to be perfect and I failing at it. I asked myself a long time ago what I was doing and I couldn't answer that question. I want an epiphany-I want to know that my life is worth saving-I would have done anything to switch places with my brother. Everything I loved about him is somewhere inside of me-and I don't know where to find it. I'm sad still......
<3QuietLiLier.

Maybe it's me?

I don't have a 9,818 bill, but what I do have is a 1,000 + one and it's been weighing on my mind along with a couple of other things. I miss having close friends, the type of friends that understand what it's like to struggle. I don't have many here-one to be exact and it just generally sucks. I am already confused by some of my classes and I'm going everyday! It's so only the beginning-Rolls Eyes-and I know I have to do better then last semester. I feel lonely-not the I'm going to self-harm lonely-the type of lonely one whose obsessed with perfection can only relate too. I am obsessed with this new show called Super-size Vs. Super-skinny just like I was once obsessed with pretty-thin. I don't see what other people see, when they look at me. I've been exercising again and it takes some of the pressure off-but not all of it. I have promised myself that I won't slip back into my old pattern of running away from feelings but it's proving harder then I imagined.
Work is a very big stressor-and one I really could do without. This week my schedule was messed up and the blame of course falls on me because I didn't inform them in time. I am going to be an hour late tomorrow and probably get written up. When I was "overdosing" on vitamins I didn't have a clue really-and it made it so much easier. I don't like when people are mad at me and it really scares me. I still feel really anxious around a long time manager and it drives me nuts. I'm beginning to let a lot of stress build and that's scary too. I can feel it in my heart, head, and muscles. I don't know how to relax w/o actually falling asleep.
I have to sort a lot of things out still-I have to relay a couple of messages that aren't going to be pretty too. Oh how I wish this blog was a little more private. Oh well in a sense I'd rather give up some of my freedom then say self-harm. I learned a lot last semester and I'm going to have to put it to good use this semester.

.....My stomach wont stop growling. 
I've had 2 fruit cups, a granola bar, a package of crackers, a jello, and a small orange...for a grand total of 570 calories.
I ran 4.2 miles in 38 min and walked 1 mile in 12 min-for a near expenditure of about 510 calories.

<3QuietLiLier

Yesterday was my Birthday!

So I turned 24 yesterday...and I'm only writing about it now. I am back in school, but I don't know for how long and it scares me. I have had my share of financial troubles but I think this year might be the worst. I have a current bill of 9,818. Yep. That's right! I don't think schools going to be bad, but school and work that's bad. I was feeling extremely ill so I didn't write about my birthday or what I did, nor did I call anyone to celebrate. It's the way it goes i guess. I think I had a terrible headache because I hadn't slept for 12 plus hours and I had only had a small orange before work. I was tired and am completely out of shape. I have challenging classes-all senior level. It feels very, very overwhelming...but exciting. I don't know with work how often I'll be on, but I'll try to keep everyone updated.

I just really want to get through the semester and get in better physical shape.

A Paper!

I have to do a single paper before the new semester and I still haven't done it! Blah, it's nearly 9 at night and it needs to be done by midnight! Ahh I always cut way to close.

I did it; I ate under 1050 calories! I ate 1012 calories!

This morning when I weighed myself I was 133.8, this only happens when I don't binge at night! It's incredibly hard to not binge. If I had to guess why it's so hard it's because I'm a fat kid at heart. When I was 13 I was considerably overweight and was constantly made fun of for it. I grew about 5 inches and lost most of my baby fat but not all of it. When I was 16 I was determined to start loosing weight-copious amounts of weight. I did-I started eating half of anything I ate and I completely cut out soda. I'm going to try and not drink so much coffee, but it's going to be tough-I'm really addicted to it! I'm curious what I'll weigh in the morning-probably the same because my caloric deficit wasn't big enough. I have dropped weight; went from 130-135 to 113. I wish now it was as easy as it was before! I'm not 16...I'm 24 and my body sucks!!!! I'm sick of  going from 135 to 137, to 133 to 131, it's like I can't get my body to loose anymore then 5lbs. 

Oh well I guess, I'm going to keep my goal at 1050 for another day and see how it goes. I work till 7 today. Well to inspire me and those who are following me some more thinspo as promised!

I love this photo-I have an hourglass figure but I weight at least 30 more pounds and am maybe 3-5 inches shorter. She has the perfect weight hip ratio!

I see myself in this photo in that I've been there but can't seem to get back there. Now that I'm a little older it's going to take so much more effort!

I love the dress! And Nina Dobrev <3

Kristin Stewart <3 the dress and she looks amazing here!

Leanne Rimes <3 I don't see the fuss that was made about this picture, she looks amazing here!

Night for now<3 QuiteLiLier

Promises and Calories and Thinspo

8> I have made a several promises to myself<8:

{1}I will eat healthier. 

{2}I will drop 16lbs before May.

{3}I will take no more then one adult multivitamin a day. 

{4}I will graduate in a year!

{5}I will Not MISS more then 5 days of school in the Spring Semester.

{6}On the days specified I will not eat more then 1050 calories and exercise for no less then 30 min when not working.

{8>THINSPIRATION<8}

The first picture is a plan that I will follow starting January 17.

So on the 17, the 24, the 31st and the 7th.

{8>RUNNING-THINSPIRATION<8}

I've been wanting to run for a little while now but haven't really been inspired to due to the cold, so when I go back to school in about a week I am going to jump on the treadmill with my IPod Touch and go to town....till then I found some running inspiration.

{8>BEFORE &AFTER-THINSPIRATION<8} CONT.

Yes even more thinspo.....

In the next couple of days

<3 QuietLiLier

 

Everything Past

On January 17 I will turn 24 and in 3 weeks my brother would have been 25. It's not been a year yet and I'm still touchy about it. It's been about 8 months since May 6, 2011 and a lot has happened in those 8 months. I've been wanting to write about them and that's what this post is going to be about. The day I received the phone call there were several missed calls on my phone. When I reached the phone it wasn't my mother -but an ex bf who called to tell me he was sorry. Everything happened so fast that it really seemed like a blur. The wake, the coffin-less funeral-and then the expectation that I was supposed to go back to life as I knew it. Then my biological father the same day my brother died saying he was sorry for my loss-that made me angry. I didn't loose something I could replace-I lost something that was irreplaceable. I thought that when my brother passed away I was going to loose everything-and I did loose something very precious to me-but I also gained something irreplaceable. For years I've had a perspective that education could never teach me. I can understand things that my mother can't. With the education that I've gotten I understand the need for tough medical decisions-I understand that medicine in all it's glory can't cure everything-obvious right. What I'm getting at specifically is in the past 8 months I've learned that it's not about the steps you take but the reasons that guide those steps and how and when you decide to take steps that matter. A couple of days after my brother passed I couldn't eat-I mostly drank coffee. For about 3 months all I could do was picture my brother laying in the borrowed coffin. And.....then what I had been repressing, all hit me. Call me crazy, but two nights ago I had an AMAZING dream. My brother Michael appeared in my dream and "gave me the gift of peace." He told me not to worry about him and that he was okay. I feel released in a way from what I've been bottling up now for a good 5 months. I feel sad and depressed sometimes and that's okay.
This post turned out a little differently then I thought but I'm glad that in a way I'm back to my sometimes witty self. I haven't self-harmed in about a month, but I've been tempted to several times. It's hard to explain-sometimes it's easy, a little to easy to turn off feelings-especially when feeling overwhelmed and not so hard when I'm not overwhelmed. If I think about all the things that suck then it's easy. No one's life is perfect, and striving for perfection can drive many people crazy-I just happen to be one of those people I guess.

.....Going to start a different line of thinking on another post so c u there-<3QuiteLiLier (PT) screen-name.

I'm going to try-it's all I can do

All I can do is try. I'm scared to go back to school honestly-school for me is college. I wasn't doing well last semester and though my head has cleared a little bit it's not completely cleared. I worry about things I shouldn't worry about. I haven't written in a little bit because I don't know what to say. I can say that I never want to be as sick as I was the night of New Years-but after fully recovering I can't say that is the case-I want to loose 16lbs before the summer-but I hate-HATE-hate being in the cold. I miss running and really do want to pick it up again. I'm getting depressed by the winter already. I wish I was in a much warmer climate-like CA not VT or New England really.

I feel like I'm being sent all these mixed messages
Go to school=good job=better things in life=higher level of happiness [Boyfriend]
Comfortable=scared of the future=procrastination=self sabotaging behavior [Me]
High school education=mother of two=24yrs of responsibility for disabled sibling=living on benefits=No car {Mother}

I want to fully control my life! and I don't feel like I have any control over mine. I eat for other people-sometimes to shut them up, I stopped cutting for someone else- I go to work for someone else-I hate the people and my job. I living someone else's future. I really do wonder what God's plan is for me, cause it doesn't feel like any of the plans that are being set in front of me.

When I get some more time tomorrow I'll write down a meal and exercise plan for the up coming week cause if I don't get out of the house I might go crazy. I'll also post some new thinspo! 16lbs in 4 weeks don't care if it's healthy or not.

{<_QuietLiLier_>}