A food diary-what I call success.

For Friday July 1st I ate 3 egg whites [45], had coffee [80, 30, 10] tea [0], water, and fiber drink [10]. 

(7/1) 175 Calories 137.4 (Start weight)

For Saturday July 2nd I ate 3 egg whites [45], had coffee [40, 30, 10], tea [0] and water,  6oz of Ginger ale [70], red pickled peppers [5] and Fiber drink [10]. 

(7/2) 210 Calories 135.8 (Morning weight)

For Sunday June 3rd I have run out of eggs whites, but will have coffee [120], water, tea, Subway club

(7/3) 299 Calories 133.8 (Morning weight)

My goals have always been to high to reach as far as my weight been concerned in the last couple of years. For a while I was 130 and then 5lbs crept up to 135 and then 5lbs more crept up to 140. It's dawned on me that when I was losing weight that I always has complete control and now that I'm "happy" I just shove down my throat whatever I feel  like. If this is to work in the fashion that I'd like it too I'm going to have to stick to my guns because the 4th of July is coming up and I can end up were I was quite easily. 

I have widdled myself down to 113 before and I can do it again. I have something I need to get off my chest though first. I have thought of suicide once in my life and by the grace of God when I was about to walk in front of a car thought better of it. Does the emotional pain I feel begin to even match the physical pain I know I'm about to incur on myself? The answer is this: I watched for nine years someone I love dearly die. I do believe that my dear brother had anorexia and because of his illness and the physical pain he felt thought it was better to starve. I have mixed emotions about this because I feel like he watched me starve myself and it's how he got the idea to to. I feel as if I starve I can match his pain. I feel sick in the head for even thinking like this. 

It's been years since I've looked in the mirror and seen what I liked. I feel like my face is fat, my stomach could feed a third world country, and my thighs well are tree trunks. I want people at the BBQ I'm going to, to be shocked. I haven' t shocked well anyone in a long time. My present goal is to weigh about 127 for this BBQ since I did weigh 137.... I think that my plan is to reach for about 400 calories and then add some exercise!
Urggg! This damn holiday, as wonderful as it was caused quite the gain. 2.5lbs! I need to figure out a way to get rid of this weight! Today I'm going to the market to get egg whites because those are great for losing weight quickly. 136.6 after the holiday!!!! oh and 12 days till the BBQ and then one more day with the fiancee on Wednesday!

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning