Challenge Day 1

Since I don't have to get up and go to work I've had a lot of free time. My free time is mostly spent sleeping and man do I sleep. When I wake up though I wake up quite hungry. Today's challenge was to not eat breakfast or lunch really. I can't say that I didn't eat lunch, but that's not a bad thing, after not getting that restful of sleep. 

 Lunch

I got up and made a salad. The salad was pretty good. I buy a salad mixture by a company called Olivia's. It's organic and the mixture I got has herbs in it. I added goat cheese, a tomato, cottage cheese and a small bit of Italian dressing.  I had some jelly beans and an ice cream bar. 

Dinner

For dinner I had a 6 piece nugget and a caramel apple sundae with a medium ice coffee. A not healthy official way to start of the 6 week plan-but non the less it's also memorial day weekend. 

Activity

That was followed by 30 min walking and 27 min running.  I walked and got my dinner and then got the newspaper as well before my run/walk.
Weight:
131.8; Goal I believe is 3.5-4lbs a week.  So by June 3rd I should weigh 128.3-127.8

"Think of me in the depths of your despair."

Sometimes all it takes is an image or an idea to trigger someone. Today I found an image that did just that. The image was of a young women that claimed she lost 21 pounds in 6 weeks. I want to loose approximately that much weight by the end of June. I know that it is possible to do this, however it's both tricky and could be/is unsafe. I estimated that in order for this to happen I'd have to lessen my cal intake to 800 and exercise at least  5 days a week. I feel like I could do this, but it's going to be A LOT OF WORK. If I start tomorrow 5/27/12 then 6 weeks from that would be July 1st. In that amount of time I will have moved and had been settled in. Since I won't have access to the internet for a bit-maybe I will by then I'm just going to start writing in a journal. Here is the picture I found.

-well i'm off to clean the apartment-I'm moving in three days! ~Q

Moving in 5 days so..

I don't know how long it will take to get the internet going again, but I'm assuming it will be a little while. So if ya don't hear from me that's why. I didn't purge for two days because the bf was home and felt disgustingly bloated and SO full. He eats so much and I can't ever control myself when I'm around him because I don't want to answer any questions. I'm moving and it's been extremely stressful. Tonight I think I had one of the biggest, grossest binges ever. It felt good to get it out. I have a huge blister on the back of my foot and tried to run today and couldn't do it. So I think that's what lead to my binge. I weigh 135-epic fail. Fuck-I was so close. I'm going to just start throwing shit away. I feel like crying-5 days and my life is going to change. I'm going to be alone again and probably starve-hopefully starve myself back to 130. I just wanted to run today-that was it, and I couldn't take the pain.
Well hopefully I lose 5lbs in the next 5 days. Since it's nearly 2 in the morning I'm going to go to bed. Had a long day and am fairly tired. <3 ~Q

~P

I am s-i-c-k. I wonder how long it's going to take for others to realize this (family-friends-etc). I p-u-r-g-e-d and felt shitty for a bit-but guess what I'm going to do it again. How did it get this bad? It's one of the only things I can control. I've also been running a lot. Today's weight was 130. 4 after my run. The bf has two days off so it will probably go up to about 133. Fuck. I'm tired. ~Q

A 255 cal Binge

I couldn't help it really. I hadn't eaten since I had come back from my workout the night before and what I was tasting wasn't so sweet. I ate healthy; 50 cals of yogurt, 140 cal English muffin, and 65 cals of blueberry jam. I wish that I could stop this though, binging after midnight. I weigh 132 and it makes me feel rather frustrated. I can't control myself-I can't just not eat like I used to. I suppose if I really did try i could-but with my current workouts and running it wouldn't be wise. I'm going to make some camomile tea in a little bit and weigh myself in the morning to see if i lost anything.
I had run out and get more vitamins today. I can't purge without them-sadly. If one were to ask me to stop I don't think I could at this point. When I miss a day I get a severe headache. I know I'm addicted and I wish that there was someone out there doing the same thing so I could relate to them. I don't think that anyone understands how it feels. I feel disgusting, I feel ugly I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I need to find some inner peace. I don't want to feel restless anymore. I still have feelings of guilt and they've only been shallowly buried. I want feel free, both spiritually and mindfully. I bear so much, see so much, hear so much-but I don't say much. I love the movie speak because I can relate to it well. I haven't told my best friend or my mother the true extent of my EDNOS. I have just let them go on believing that I'm fine and that because I've always been strong I'll continue to be.
~QuietLiLier

129.6

How is this even possible? Hours of exercise, and pure determination. Today I walked and ran a little ways all after I took the vitamins I'm supposed to be cutting back on. It didn't look good in the beginning as I almost threw up in the bushes but didn't. I'm honestly surprised at what my body seems to be doing-I only lost 2-3lbs while in school and now it seems to be falling off.  Six pounds down 4 to go. My goal by the end of this month was more, but reality set in and I realized 20 pounds is a bit unrealistic.
Tomorrow makes me a bit nervous; I'm going to the big city. And in the big city me and J eat a lot-mostly JUNK and he wants to see the Avengers again. I think if I'm not too tired I might run for 30 min before we go in the morning. I want this weight to keep coming off and I'm afraid that if I stop I'm going to gain it all back. I am easily influenced by food which sucks-I really hope I can control myself.

It's hard to tell where the six pounds were lost. It's "that time of the month" so I don't know if I am holding in water weight or what. If I am then I might just be a little thinner. I just bought some clothes recently because some of the clothes that I have are getting loose. I'm super picky when it comes to what I will and will not wear. I don't like showing a lot of skin and usually not very bright colors-but I'm beginning to change. One of the best "thin-inspiration" ideas is to buy something you really like in a size smaller then the one you fit in. I have a couple of things like this-one piece I bought nearly two summers ago on a whim. It's a short sleeve super tight white gathered at the sleeves shirt. I don't wear it very often because it shows every bulge, imperfection on my body.

I think that I'm really aiming for a flatter stomach and just a more defined hourglass figure. I don't want curves-right now I'm as curvy as curvy can get. I'm 5'3" and weigh 129 ish pounds. I once weighed 113 pounds. I know that in order to get back there I have to make healthier choices and be active again. I hate right now that I can pinch about an of fat on the insides of my legs. I ask myself how did this happen? It happened because I got comfortable with the way I was. Well to that I say change is a beautiful thing.

My goal for tomorrow is to think healthy-One of two things is likely to happen or both. We're going to stop at McDonald's and were going to eat something at the movie theater. Both are high calorie disaster spots. I have to be up early in the morning to look at an apartment so it's important that I get a good high-fiber breakfast. I think at the moment (100) cals worth of cheerios, (140-160) cals of a plain English muffin, and a banana and then a run will be a good start to the day. A large coffee could be a possibility with skim milk instead of cream.

For some encouragement I feel like adding Thinspo tonight so here goes:

I like this one because she looks like she's running fairly fast. I wish that I were as tall and looked as lean-but it takes work, so let the work begin.

I think that in comparison to me, we would be pretty similar. I have the same problem areas. My legs and stomach are the areas that acre the most fat. My goal is to essentially look like this or thinner.

She's one of my favorite actresses. I think she so pretty. 

I love the colors. I know that bright colors-mostly neon's for me anyway are a big no-no but this is gorgeous.

Love ya'all. QuietLiLier

Small Steps 2 BIG Change

In less then three weeks I move. It's scary really.  In 2 weeks and 5 days I want to implement a few changes. 

1.) Keep a journal that keeps track of what I'm eating and when.

2.) Keep my calorie count under or at 1,000-eventually dropping it to 800; then to 500.

3.) Exercise 5 days a week-find a online buddy

4.) Drink water,  keep soda to a minimum.

5.) Create a thin-inspiration video. 

Favorite part of the day

It's almost 5 in the morning and the sun is trying to peak it's way out. The moon's still in the sky and the trees are black against the dark blue sky. I like this part of the day because in spite of a chaotic world it's quiet. I like to run, walk, etc too because I don't feel as exposed. The past couple of days I've tried to limit my intake an decrease my vitamin intake. I threw up at school during one of my mid-terms and around J. It took just two vitamins too. I'm trying to exercise in spite of a cold and as of yesterday it went pretty well. I will say that it sucks when apps don't work well. For the time being I don't live in a city and am located on the outskirts of what some call a city-but really isn't. Anyway it says it took me 31 min to run less then 3 miles which is like 10 + min. a mile-while the distance was 3+ miles when driven, the app has gaps in it's distance recognition. But that's the way it goes I guess. Now it's 6 min till 5 and it's even lighter out.

Hopefully I'll be back later today-I have to write 2 papers.
<3 ya'all.

Been Awhile

It's been something like a week I think maybe more since I've written. I've been busy-though not as busy as I probably should have been. School is over tomorrow and then vacation begins. A lot has happened and a lot of it is attributed to me overdosing on my vitamins. For about two weeks I took 3 a day and I essentially paid for it with varying side effects. I can sum it up in on word. It felt like I was high. I didn't care about what was happening to me, nor did I care that everything that should have mattered was slipping away. I don't know if it was a result of taking nearly 42 vitamins in 2 weeks or not but I also ended up with a severe cold. I have had debilitating sinus pain for nearly a week now and this morning my ear felt like something was stuck in it. My cold has taken my voice and left me congested. I literally feel like shit. I went from 134 to 130 in a week.

Yesterday was a year to the day my brother passed away. It was a gorgeous day, just like the day he passed away. I carry him everywhere with me because that's all I really can do.  I remember a year ago that I let out a whale of a cry and fell to the floor. I closed the curtains in my bedroom because I didn't want to see the sun. It was not a bright day, but ironically it was.  I wanted to hit the floor running-because my biggest fear had come true; I wasn't there when he died and looking back on it now it probably was what has kept me living. A part of me died 1 year ago, and that parts not coming back. I've learned a lot in a year. I always wondered what it was going to be like-I never imagined that it would be as hard as it is. When someone you love dies only you can miss them in such a way that is unique to you. I've come to understand that the world doesn't care, it moves on, and it often moves on even if you don't want to. I understand now what it's like to have time pass me by. I didn't want to believe that any of it was real and I still don't. It's a pain in my soul, its the deepest sorrow I've ever felt in my life. I have conflicting feeling. Feeling of resentment, anger, guilt, loss, and confusion.

I have written on here repeatedly about why I feel guilty but not so much about resentment. I resent my brother for leaving me alone in this world to fend for myself. I didn't ask to left alone, I didn't ask to have to watch someone I love die. I didn't ask for any of it. If trials and tribulations are supposed to make you stronger then why don't I feel strong. I feel week. I feel like I can't breathe. I have to separate myself from the situation at hand-because if I don't then all I do is cry. I feel horrible for not wanting to think about all the time.

I still haven't healed from this, and I think that the process is still unfolding. It's only been a year and still hurts.

So in memory of my brother I put an add in my local newspaper back home. I put a quote in and I it said: "When people have bad days I am the one who will make them feel great and have good days" and then said I missed him and that we all miss him too.

In loving Memory of Micheal Paul Carver

Love sissy