The dead and the dying share one thing in common-The Reaper
It was brought to my attention last night that my brother witnessed the death of his room mate.
It made me wonder if this experience was traumatizing/beneficial or both?
His name was Robert and he was in the late stages of Cancer.
I feel like I can't stand either death-the quicker or the slower someone dies doesn't matter anymore.
I feel uncomfortable-I feel as if I can't breath
I feel sad-I feel as if I want to hide away, I feel like crying
I know the inevitable is going to happen
THE REAPERS GOING TO COME.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
So the plan is going to go like this: failure isn't an option
I have college classes that are extremely difficult and have presented some challenges. They are almost over and I'm so stressed out! But with that said, I not a-giver-upper so I have to press on and pray that I pass all my classes with C's or better! So I'm going to drop off a couple of mental blocks here:
The first block is:
My worry in general and my family-I often get so side tracked with them that to get any semblance of work done is near impossible. I am worried about my mom and her health and a intuitive feeling I've been getting lately. If it does come to fruition that my brother doesn't make it though to his next birthday then I won't be surprised. I haven't mentioned a lot about what going on with my family because I wanted to keep them outta of this but-I need to say this-What is currently being done to my family by a "family" friend is so wrong, and I have often felt guilty for not stating my feelings, rather opting to stay out of the situation, however I have stated my feeling and I am not sorry for what I said. It makes me so mad to know that this "family" friend has the nerve to alienate both myself and my mother from my brother.
The second block is:
My OCD compulsion to clean! I seriously need everything to be spotless so I don't find reasons to get up and clean. It is a distraction, not being lazy that causes me to not do my homework, and for the time being-I just really need to control myself.
The third block is:
My need for perfection in my work the first time I do anything. I am capable of writing efficient papers, and they do not need to be perfect.
SO MY BF WAS ON MY COMPUTER LAST NIGHT-and he didn't tell me about it. I hope he didn't find this page or click on the link. But in case he did-I will be deleting my history for sure on my computer because I have a lot of other things on my computer-mainly thinspo, BUT I will NOT BE DELETING THE BLOG. So I'm sorry I haven't been on all that much-I have one more week of normal classes and then finals. It's going to be pretty sporatic for the next two weeks!
<3Neverendingalwaysbeginning
The first block is:
My worry in general and my family-I often get so side tracked with them that to get any semblance of work done is near impossible. I am worried about my mom and her health and a intuitive feeling I've been getting lately. If it does come to fruition that my brother doesn't make it though to his next birthday then I won't be surprised. I haven't mentioned a lot about what going on with my family because I wanted to keep them outta of this but-I need to say this-What is currently being done to my family by a "family" friend is so wrong, and I have often felt guilty for not stating my feelings, rather opting to stay out of the situation, however I have stated my feeling and I am not sorry for what I said. It makes me so mad to know that this "family" friend has the nerve to alienate both myself and my mother from my brother.
The second block is:
My OCD compulsion to clean! I seriously need everything to be spotless so I don't find reasons to get up and clean. It is a distraction, not being lazy that causes me to not do my homework, and for the time being-I just really need to control myself.
The third block is:
My need for perfection in my work the first time I do anything. I am capable of writing efficient papers, and they do not need to be perfect.
SO MY BF WAS ON MY COMPUTER LAST NIGHT-and he didn't tell me about it. I hope he didn't find this page or click on the link. But in case he did-I will be deleting my history for sure on my computer because I have a lot of other things on my computer-mainly thinspo, BUT I will NOT BE DELETING THE BLOG. So I'm sorry I haven't been on all that much-I have one more week of normal classes and then finals. It's going to be pretty sporatic for the next two weeks!
<3Neverendingalwaysbeginning
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