Why Can't I?

I am beginning to be resumed to the idea I have little to no will power. The importance of will power come in handy when one is trying to lose weight. I have tried to keep realistic goals and have yet again failed. At work, food is everywhere and it's in all forms. It is like a personified object-the candy bars, the little Debbie snacks, the fried fat, everything calls out eat me! I want to so desperately get out of this binge-purge cycle-but I can't. It is what I can count on at the end of every meal, at the end of the day and when I feel at my lowest. I live on feeling "ill". Feeling ill is the feeling I get when I feel as if I'm going to purge. I feel light headed, almost high, my skin gets shallow, and flushed, my eyes get puffy etc. I've been battling with myself back and forth now for a couple of days....is this Bulimia? I don't purge every day-maybe 4 days a week. I've maintained a weight well within the normal range etc.
I am revolted by the current sight of myself and I feel so close to cutting again it's not funny. I still feel lonely and wish that my brother were here. I feel guilty for a lot of things still and I can't stop beating myself up about them. I feel as if I'm wearing a fat suit and I wish I could just unzip it and walk out 20 plus pounds lighter.

Today was pretty bad food wise. Animal crackers, Twizzlers, a bagel with light cream cheese, some Greek yogurt, a cheese burger, some french fries, an apple, another apple, some more Greek yogurt, a couple Twizzlers and 3 powder donuts and some pretzels.
I want to lose weight more then anything in this world right now and at the rate I'm going I'll do anything-which includes but isn't limited to laxatives, diet pills etc.

Hope ya'all are doing better then me....<3Alwaysbeginningneverending/quietLiLier/quietLiLcontradiction.

August! A new month, a new chance.

I've been slacking on posts because I want my blog to stay private-and the bf is very disagreeable when it comes to me losing weight. I've been trying to eat healthy, and stay away from not so healthy choices. I am back down to 131. I'm getting back into exercise after about a week  rest. I had been closer to 135 (eww)! The other problem I've had lately is I don't have a stable internet connection-Sorry! If it worked better I'd be posting a lot of thinspo. Hopefully soon.

So today I've had lasagna (500 calories), grated cheese (20),  2 green teas (200), 14 carrots (70)....
One of my goals today is to drink at least for glasses of water. 

I got the job! I'm so thrilled-I get to buy more vitamins :) It's at a gas station, so we'll see how it pans out.