Angry-Stressed-Fat

Angry, stressed, and fat are current descriptors of the state I'm in. I can't win with either of my parents. My father is a deadbeat whose trying to hard to make me believe he loves me. My mother seems to think the world revolves around her and her feelings. Cortisol is my best friend at the moment as well to make matters worse. I'm fighting to keep my brother's Facebook page up and my best friend agrees with my mom. Take the page down and of course all our feelings are going to be fucking rainbows and butterflies. It pisses me off that my mother thinks this is going to simply help her move on because the page is stopping her from doing that. It seems to me she's looking at this page in a negative light, when if she looked at it in a more positive one it wouldn't be the "one thing" that's stopping her from moving on. I'm upset because I feel as though my mother is doing what is only best for her. If it were simply taking care of herself, and this included: getting a job, moving out of housing, and not relying on the advice of others then I wouldn't be so upset. She instead has defined taking care of herself as: getting rid of all things related to my brother, using every hypochondriac excuse in the book, and listening to her case worker, and psychotherapist. I'm hurt by this choice that she thinks is only up to her. The consequences of her choice are that I'm not going to talk to her. I'm tired of the same arguments which center around what his lose means to each of us, how I've changed, how I've not moved on...etc. SHE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS. I don't work tomorrow and I'm probably going to sleep. I'm alive though still so I guess that's a good thing....my EDNOS might get interesting in the next week.

I feel better ill-Purging.

A lot has been on my mind lately. I haven't had vitamins for close to a month and was doing well. I have hope that someday I'll get up the courage to stop, but not today. I have a lot of unresolved feelings involving my father. I hate feeling stressed out by it. I have a lot of questions, but an unwillingness to ask them. I don't understand after 25 years why he all of a sudden cares. I have nothing to offer him-I'm empty and broken. I'm MAD as hell! My brother meant the world to me, he's not here and I'm left to pick up the pieces that were lost a long time ago by myself. I wanted to matter to my father when my brother should have mattered to my father. I've had nearly two years to reflect on how I feel about my father, and my opinion of him really hasn't changed. I'm still MAD.