Awareness

I've been going over in my head how aware I've become of those who are struggling with similar things; and this causes me anxiety. I have begun just ordering coffee again and I have a sneaky suspicion that some people know what I'm up to.  Not to long ago someone I don't refer to nicely outside of work made a comment that kinda surprised me. To make a long story short I love the peppermint hot chocolate at McDicks. The comment basically went that ordering them all the time would pack on pounds. In my disordered head it translated to you look like you've gained a lot of weight-probably should lay of the hot chocolate. I weighted nearly 140lbs  a week ago and now I'm at 134.2 so needless to say I haven't eaten there in about that long too. It shouldn't be a struggle but it is to not eat at where I work. In a sense it feels like if your not eating at  work ridicule is sure to follow. I don't appreciate comments or like to be looked at like I'm crazy. It's a terrible feeling to stand out and feel like a freak. I want to know that I'm not alone though. I think that for each of us that does struggle with a type of eating issue we feel alone-and we shouldn't feel that way.
What I'm going to type next, I have a hard time saying out loud. I am self-injurious and I've noticed that so are several other people-mostly all girls at work. From what I know this behavior is caused by having weak coping mechanisms in place or not having any at all. I know that from my own personal experience I learned from someone who did it and he was male. It leads me to suspect that all of us who do it/did it have something in our lives we're either hiding or running away from. From my personal experience I can say that Cutting for me allows me to release all my bottled up anxiety-that as sick as it going to sound watching my skin bleed puts me out of my misery. I can escape, and for just a brief few minutes I don't have to think about the pain I feel or the life I'm stuck with. More and more I've just had this urge to do it, because as dumb as it sounds I can't handle life at the moment.
Does the smell of a certain food or just food in general make you ill? Lately I've had no interest in meat. I work with meat, I handle meat and it's disgusting. It seems lately I have been feeling ill a lot-like I can taste or imagine this one taste and I feel blah right away. My guess is that this "taste" is from when I used to take a shit load of laxatives. The kind that you can take over the counter(and embarrassed to buy-the interents great for this).
There are many topics of discussion that weave in and out on a given day at Mcdicks. The conversation today, later in the day to be specific centered around how mean some people can be. I'm not sure whether it was both managers and crew or just one or the other. If I had to guess it was both. Anyway-someone made the new girl cry.