Observations from many perspectives

I don't know how to respond to the following story I'm going to tell you without well sounding what some individuals might call sick. I have been battling a vitamin addiction for a long time. I basically used them in the past to purge and in the past they worked well reeking havoc on my body. I have of late not used them as much. Getting to my story I was in the girls rest room and heard a girl purging. I call it this because from the way it sounded it was controlled. I was immediately jealous. How sick is that? I can't get it out of my head.

I don't know if I've written about where I work, I think I have and complained about it. There is what many of us affected by our disorderd eating call triggers. Well I have a big trigger at work and she is my ultimate thinspo. To make a long story short she's a manager and her ex-boyfriend is one too. Way back when I first worked at my job I had problems with her because she thought that I was trying to steal her bf. They have since broken up and when I came back her attitude has changed.

Well work was extrememly busy for most of the afternoon and into dinner. I had been assigned to grilling and frying the meat and chicken. I was tired and hot and when I finnally got my break I just got a large ice water. Mind you about an hour before I worked I had payed for a meal outside of the one I would have gotten if I would have used my meal. The two managers I mentioned above had slightly different reactions to me ordering a large ice water but were similar enough to basically say they knew what I was doing and that though I have tried to keep it to myself it's obvious I have a problem. I had brought an orange with me and ate that too-but I was suprised I got a reaction at all. My usual pattern's been to order an ice coffee and maybe once a week maybe twice a week to get food.

I feel like having her as a trigger has made me think twice about what I am putting into my body. I feel like it's a good thing, but I also feel like it puts a lot of added pressure to be perfect on me. I want what she seems to have and that is perfect control. I want to stop binging but I also want to figure out how I got where I am. I fluctuate madly between 136 and 134. In my estimation my trigger weighs less then 100. I know that the healthy way to loose weight is to just eat healthy and exercise but I can't do that atm. Today's calories account is about 500 calories.

I will say that when I came back from my break I felt spacy and what some might describe as light. I remember when I was dropping weight much quicker and the euphoria I always felt when I could say no. I was in control and I know I can be again. It's my body and if I do choose to strarve it's my choice. It is possible to go from 134 to 113 in two months. Whatever reason I feel like I am ready to get past my fear of "if I drop to 130 people are going to notice". I am going to throw it all out the window!!

I am in charge of my body

I can control my need for food

I will make it through all of the pain that this will cause

because I AM DETERMINED

My body will not win the fat war!

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning