What I see and What I hear

I've been unable to write for nearly a week now because much of what I think and what I want to say I can't. I type away normally and when push comes to shove do say exactly what I want to say. I will say that I am scared that this blog has been read by someone close to me other then a few friends that know about it.
I 'll start with some of the things that seem crazy to me. I think that I have begun to treat people who try to get close to me, much like my mother does. I fear close attachments because anything can happen. My bf made another comment about Sara and it wasn't nice. He called her a Gothic chick and said she was freakishly skinny. I sometimes treat Sara with coldness because I fear she can see right through me. I know that sounds stupid-but what I mean is that she reads people extremely well. I feel inferior to her-she's independent, pretty, and skinny. I don't have any of these qualities-or at least I don't feel like I do.  When my bf essentially made fun of Sara I felt like saying - "By the way, you know I wish I looked just like her." Not a lot of people get it-the whole skinny thing. I want to be able to wear anything, to not have to worry about size, or style etc. I want to feel my hip-bones again-I want a thigh gap etc. I want to shock everyone-I can imagine that if I went from 136- to say 106 it would be quite the shock. With the new year coming I intend on SHOCKING everyone. I definitely did gain some holiday weight. I'm up about 4lbs. Anyway...
I have some good news and potentially black mailing news. I about two and half maybe three weeks ago came to a agreement with a friend I've known since 2005. I had told him that I had engaged in self-harming behavior and that I was having a hard time stopping. I agreed that if I talked about cutting myself again that he could potentially black mail me into stopping. By this I said he could tell my bf. I can't lie and that's probably a good thing. I did cut myself the night of our last conversation-because I wanted to get it out of my system. Well I ended up with consequences of my own. I think that a part of me wanted a scar to be left, but another part of me wanted myself to see what I was doing to myself. I haven't cut for about 2 weeks. I know that engaging in self-harming behavior doesn't benefit anyone, it only hurts the ones that love you. I honestly can't guarantee that it wont happen again-but I can work on it each and everyday until I don't think I have to do it anymore.
I'm not sure if vitamins factored into our "black-mailing" agreement-but my guess would be that it would. I couldn't stop myself today and I bought some more. I took three and felt ill for about 20 min. I don't know if it was such a good idea to call my addiction to vitamins a chasing of a high. I hadn't thought of it that way ever and it does make sense-one might speculate that I'm high now because of the three I took earlier. I would say that I need a better reason then the reason I think I have have for destroying parts of myself. I hope that my honesty doesn't doesn't get used against me-I'm not sorry for the vitamins-I am sorry for the cutting.
Tomorrow is in 34 min and I don't plan on eating at work-or really at home. I weigh 136.4-eghh the holidays! Night all bb tommorrow.

Did he know?

It's Christmas Eve morning and it feels bittersweet. I feel a twinge of sadness and it's centered around someone I miss dearly. I can't sleep because all I can think about is if my brother knew that I loved him. My mother says that he used to sit in him room and cry because he missed me. It saddens me to know this, and I can only wonder what he felt or what he wanted to say that he couldn't to me. I feel like a terrible person for not being there all of the time and I wonder what my brother really thought of me. It's not the same this year-nothing about this year has been the same. I never really understood what the meaning of family I guess was. I would do anything to see my brother again-to at least speak to him one more time. Through out this holiday season I've held the tears back and been strong, because that's what I usually do. Has much as having presents is nice-having family is better.
Dear Mr. Mike,
I can't even spell your name long-hand-that's terrible right? I feel like I left a lot of things unsaid-some things I didn't think you were strong enough to handle and others I thought you already knew. I can only say what I thought I knew, and guess on the things I might have known. God blesses us with gifted individuals and those individuals bestow gifts upon those they touch. I don't know why God bestowed the gift of compassion on to me, or why I saw you suffer. God has plans for our lives and his plan for you was to become an angel. You saw things in people, you brought light to people's worlds and you did it in your own way. It's hard to think about you has being gone and often times I have to stop myself from using present tense-I make up jokes and sometimes cry. I wish everyone could have seen you the way mom and I saw you. 
I was well aware of the pain you were in-the struggles you had to go through-and some people only saw that-but I didn't. You tried to hide the pain you were in and you were good at it-and I thought I was too. I lived vicariously through you-but not in the way mom did. I don't think that I'll ever be has strong as you-but I do think that you've given me more strength then I ever could have gotten on my own. I Wish that I had just talked to you a little more, had just let you in a little more into my life, done more things with you. I feel guilty-I FEEL UGLY.  I feel like alone now, and it's not a fun feeling. It's strange but sometimes I think you know. 
I guess I wanted to say if you can read this-which if your in heaven or hell you probably can't I miss you, Love you, and wish you a a wonderful holiday with Jesus. He's got the whole world in his hands-he's got the whole world in his hands. 

Night all-Updates soon-It's been a while since I mentioned my weight etc. Merry Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Holidays:)  

Thinking about a lot

It's getting pretty close to three in the morning and I'm pretty tired to say the least. Before I fall asleep I should probably unload my thoughts so I can get a restful night sleep. I've been thinking a lot about the vitamin thing-and I'm addicted. I can see this now from a simple illustration and the input of someone I care deeply for. I crave them and I want more-I'm getting tired quicker and with them I don't so quickly. I'm more then tempted to buy more and not think twice-in I think two posts back I talked about setting up safe guards and how they do work to a point. There still in place because I have them in place.
It's winter, it's been 6 months since my brother passed away and it's almost christmas...and my mom is staying until the second.
....I'll post soon I know it's been a lil bit...easier when I don't have prying eyes!

Always, QuietLiLier

Just what I want to hear.

Is it really necessary to be called out on taking one too many food items-when there's more then enough to go around? I don't really think so-not to mention calling me out by name! I wanted to cry-and just walk away. That's just plain insensitive. Catherine that's too many put those two back....WTF. Again it's like what she really meant was you don't look like your starving and you certainly weigh enough why do you need any really at all?

I don't know what else to say-that really was embarrassing and I believe uncalled for.  

Last night...

I feel like I've been in a daze for the last couple of days. The type of daze that is caused when one suddenly stops something and goes cold turkey. I have not had any vitamins for two days and I have done this off and on and for whatever reason never felt as terrible as I have in the last two days. Last night I was really disappointed with the amount of food I ate and take twice the recommended dose of laxatives to make up for it. I paid for it-with a headache and less then adequate sleep. I weighed 131.8 as a result and that was shocking-who knew right...When I got back from work I weighed 133.8. Seriously! I gained two pounds. I realized something tonight though that's a little shocking. I have specific rules when it come to eating food at McDonald's. I don't eat crispy chicken, crispy strips, fish, really anything crispy. I also don't eat Quarter meat, or Mcdouble, Double, Cheeseburger orHamburger meat. About the only thing I let myself eat are the nuggets and the grilled chicken. On occasion I'll eat a McChicken, or a McDouble-but as of late I don't eat really anything their but the following: Chicken soup, grilled wraps, and nuggets. I have coffee and it gets me through for the most part. My "Inspiration" ordered a crispy club and that's when I realized how fucked up I must appear as of late....
I had 930 last night.....last I counted so I'll say 1200 at most. Tonight I've had 630. It kinda feels good. Now that my headache has gone away. Well that's all for right now-I have to start drawing, figure out my finals schedule, and bake some cookies.  So, So close to vacation-EXCITED!

chasing a high

"You're chasing the high",That is what one of my friends said I was doing-and he's right. That's exactly what I did last night after I got off the phone with him. Stupid ehh? I took the vitamins and it felt so fucking good-that I didn't feel anything, like I was in this place where no one could touch me, but then I woke up and my head was killing me. A real reality check and that was just with three off them. JUST THREE. It's so fucking crazy and I'm not so sure I want to stop-I didn't feel ANYTHING once the vitamins were coursing through my veins! This so messed up! And I don't have anymore.
I had to also hide behind a shirt today-it's easy to just say that I'm freezing; I'm not sure if anyone at work's figured it out. I'm hiding behind the shirt because with each cut my shame grows, and with each pound lost I'm closer to falling off the edge. I want to be in control of something and not eating at work is the only way I know how to do that. Today I just had soup and coffee-4 cream 2 Splenda. with two small glasses of coke and dr. pepper. I weigh 133.4 and I'm excited by it. 3lbs away from 130 and 3lbs away from that is 127. That's my goal for next Friday. Also something that is messed up.

Am I killing myself slowly? The only way I can answer that is by relating it back to my past. I watched for 10 years someone I love slowly die. It's a process that not only kills the person who has to live through it, but the individuals who are watching that person die. I can't forgive myself for "giving" my brother what I consider an eating disorder. At least that's what I call it. He watched me and was the only one that knew what was going on with me and tried to stop me in his own way. I told my friend last night that it's not easy to go from feeling nothing at all to everything. No one knows about this-about how I really feel. The honest answer to the question above is yes-inadvertently.

I don't like the term drug addict, but I am addicted to vitamins and that is my drug of choice. When I picture a drug addict, I picture someone who puts the drug before anything else, who is selfish, someone who isn't stable-someone whose in a lot of emotional pain-their either running from something or trying to bury something. As I re-read this, it fits me in ways I haven't really ever thought did.
I want to know that I'm loved without conditions-because right now I don't feel unconditionally loved. I feel like I'm always playing catch-up. I've been running a race that seems endless. Nothing that I've ever done has been for me. I wanted to get out of my hell and away from not being validated that I ran away and tried to find it somewhere else. There's always been something missing and I hate it. I hate that I'm falling apart-I'm not strong enough to fight as hard anymore.

.....I wanted to tell this friend that I loved him-but it just wouldn't escape my lips. I wondered if this was the last time I'd hear from him. He's in the military and it scares me. We share a history-we have an understanding that runs deep. I care for him greatly. He seriously wants me to stop-and in the deepest way possible I want to stop for him-but I feel like I should stop because this isn't the kind of life that my brother would have wanted for me. Does it really matter who I stop for? Probably-the person I should be stopping for is me.
I don't understand why I was forced to watch my brother struggle. I don't know where his strength came from-most of it came from God. My heart is hardened and I don't know what to believe. I'm not as strong as he was-nor do I think I ever will be. I've fallen of the band wagon and as much has I can pretend I'm fine I'm not-I'm really sick.
.....This is something I can't admit all at once to the one's I love. I don't like causing people pain and letting them all in on it would cause a lot if not more pain. I have to tell my best friend-and then eventually my mother and then eventually the person I live with my bf.
...lol as I'm writing this I'm crying because everything that my friend said is true and I don't want to admit he's right. There's only so many things that I can hide/lie about. With my friend he can tell when I'm lying and when I'm not-When I talk to him, I feel safe-everything's that ever been good or bad in my life doesn't matter. I wish that it was this way with my bf.
This post has gotten upper long! I apologize. Apparently I have a lot on my mind. -This coming week is finals week so I'll be busy for a lil bit, but I'll update about my weight during the week.
Love you all-formally Neverendingalwaysbeginning, CathTGreatF & now-QuietlilLer

Awareness

I've been going over in my head how aware I've become of those who are struggling with similar things; and this causes me anxiety. I have begun just ordering coffee again and I have a sneaky suspicion that some people know what I'm up to.  Not to long ago someone I don't refer to nicely outside of work made a comment that kinda surprised me. To make a long story short I love the peppermint hot chocolate at McDicks. The comment basically went that ordering them all the time would pack on pounds. In my disordered head it translated to you look like you've gained a lot of weight-probably should lay of the hot chocolate. I weighted nearly 140lbs  a week ago and now I'm at 134.2 so needless to say I haven't eaten there in about that long too. It shouldn't be a struggle but it is to not eat at where I work. In a sense it feels like if your not eating at  work ridicule is sure to follow. I don't appreciate comments or like to be looked at like I'm crazy. It's a terrible feeling to stand out and feel like a freak. I want to know that I'm not alone though. I think that for each of us that does struggle with a type of eating issue we feel alone-and we shouldn't feel that way.
What I'm going to type next, I have a hard time saying out loud. I am self-injurious and I've noticed that so are several other people-mostly all girls at work. From what I know this behavior is caused by having weak coping mechanisms in place or not having any at all. I know that from my own personal experience I learned from someone who did it and he was male. It leads me to suspect that all of us who do it/did it have something in our lives we're either hiding or running away from. From my personal experience I can say that Cutting for me allows me to release all my bottled up anxiety-that as sick as it going to sound watching my skin bleed puts me out of my misery. I can escape, and for just a brief few minutes I don't have to think about the pain I feel or the life I'm stuck with. More and more I've just had this urge to do it, because as dumb as it sounds I can't handle life at the moment.
Does the smell of a certain food or just food in general make you ill? Lately I've had no interest in meat. I work with meat, I handle meat and it's disgusting. It seems lately I have been feeling ill a lot-like I can taste or imagine this one taste and I feel blah right away. My guess is that this "taste" is from when I used to take a shit load of laxatives. The kind that you can take over the counter(and embarrassed to buy-the interents great for this).
There are many topics of discussion that weave in and out on a given day at Mcdicks. The conversation today, later in the day to be specific centered around how mean some people can be. I'm not sure whether it was both managers and crew or just one or the other. If I had to guess it was both. Anyway-someone made the new girl cry. 

The usual

I got a comment!!!! Thanks Katie for that-sometimes most of the time I feel like I'm writing to thin air.

Anyway I digress...
Today's entry is going to be about how I've been feeling lately. The last several entries have been really dark and if I've scared anyone I'm sorry. I need to figure out a way to channel my feelings though and not shut down or shut them off. So I guess just bear with me.
It's amazing that time has just passed me by-I'm letting life pass me by and for some, most people in my life that's hard to watch.
I don't have the answers or the solutions-I'm just burnt out. I've been told what to do , when to do it, and how to do it and without anyone I feel lost.
I feel ugly, alone, and not ever good enough-I feel suffocated. I want to still wake up from this dream called life. 
I had a reason to feel sad, I had a reason to hate myself and it seems to have all changed somehow. I know that what I'm doing is slowly killing me but I don't have the strength to stop. How do I bring myself back to life when what's keeping me alive is killing me?
I feel like I've changed so much-but not enough for those around me to notice.
I tonight didn't stop eating after seven. I had my usual one meal well before seven and then I had three egg whites and 4 breathe mints with a fiber drink couple of hours later. This was probably the case because I cleaned the house for about an hour after 7. What I will say is that by having a time in place it made me stop and think about what I was eating. I initially wanted pretzels but second thought it and went with protein instead. I guess very small steps are the key for me.

I won't be on for two days-the bf doesn't know about my blog and I'd like to keep it that way.

Tonight's weight is 134.6. My starting point I think, because I fluctuate between 138-133! So day 1 of setting a time in place. It went well. To take my mind off of food I usually visit my fav. Thinspo site...

<3 formally, NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning and CathTGreatF

Vitamins again

I don't know how longs it's been since I mentioned I take an excessive amount of vitamins, but I'm going to mention it tonight because it's important. I have been taking them again. They have a certain side effect that stops me from feeling hungry. I in other words feel nauseated and my hunger urge is gone. The reason why I'm mentioning this is that I think that if I keep up taking these vitamins in excess that I might die. I take three-six at a time. My heart has begun to feel tight and weak.
...Where it all began Part 1.
I crack under pressure there's no way around it. When I feel like the weight of the world is on me I just stop and check out. About a year and a half ago-maybe two now-I had realized one of two things; 1. that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough, so I just stopped and checked out. 2. that my brother wasn't going to watch me graduate and that he was only getting sicker. I started dropping weight and stopped going to school. But I had to work and when I came to work little did I know that my choices would land me where they did. I wasn't any good at work-that is work in a fast food joint and not only did I frustrate the people that I worked with but I frustrated myself.
It took awhile for me to get something right and eventually I did. That's where my now manager-thin-inspiration comes into the picture. I hated my job and her more then anything that had gone wrong in my life and she didn't make things easy for me. I don't know how or when people caught on to what I was doing-but they did. From what I remember I used to be sick a lot and I used to drink a lot.
...A lot of this is hard to follow and I apologize. I just want to find out the truth about myself. I don't want to run away anymore. I've been hurting for far to long. I hope someone figures it out soon-cause I can't live in misery forever. It's not a life.

I weigh 133.8. I had ice coffee, a small shake, cheddar and bacon bake, and several slivers of chocolate. I'm running a race at 10. I'd love to drop 2lbs or so in the morning. I also want to try an experiment to see if my weight loss could be accelerated if I have a set eating schedule/specific time I don't eat after.

I'm going to write in a journal and set the time in which I can't eat after as 7:00.

<3 formally Neverendingalwaysbeginning, caththegreatf.