Maybe I'm fooling myself-Maybe it's a good thing.

It is a Thursday night and I am alone in the computer lab of my college typing yet another post because I have nothing better to do on a Thursday night-it is kinda tragic. I am ashamed to admit that the past two days have been a steady binge toward what I call my fat suit body. I feel like I am in one and it sucks-I feel like there's not much I can about it. I hate my body so much that I have begun to disassociate myself from it-or at least that is my plan.

If I am on a one way train to destruction then I better start destroying myself before the train comes to a complete stop and I can't do it anymore. Right now my stomach is gurgling and growling and I feel supremely empty. If a fat girl can seriously lose 10lbs and a skinny girl can loose nearly 30lbs then it is not impossible for me to a. starve and b. drop 15lbs-eventually getting to 30. I've done it before and the road isn't easy but it's better then being fat today, tomorrow, a month from now, or a year from now.

I want my body to look vulnerable-I want someone to describe me as skinny or extremely thin. It has been way to long since I posted my idealism; so I'm going to do just that.

So my current weight is 134.5 and I am 5ft three. I am too embarrassed to post a lard picture that would be more disturbing then what I hope to achieve so I won't. I was 113 at my lowest and I was able to hide how I lost weight so quickly and I'll be doing that again-Stressfull!-Worth the reward though.

Just a passing thought but I really have the desire to purge at the moment. I feel like doing it-I repulse myself that much. I also wanted to mention though that I also need to keep myself preoccupied so I can ignore what i am going to start calling instant gratification growls, gurgles, and pains.

This what I want to become and be.

This I thought was simply pretty!
Night for now
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning