Just outright ignorance

It is not a crime to not know or assume that all eating disorders are not the same. It is however a misjudgement to assume that all eating disorders are followed by a stereotypical set of symptoms. I do not believe that all eating disorders can be looked at in a stereotypical way without making the illnesses and the ones it encompasses; anorexia, bulimia, BED, etc seem unlike what they are. It hurts deeply to hear those closest make the biggest mistakes when it comes to all these mental illnesses. I for example am not starving because I want to make those closest to me miserable, nor am I sticking my finger down my through for the joy of it to throw up what I can not control. It's hideous what society has made others believe about these illnesses. Eating disorders are diseases that not only to a hold of a person, but becomes part of an individuals identity. There a mountainous climb up and a slippery slope down.

It's a tumultuous phrase, "I have an eating disorder." A whispered phrase for those struggling with a disease that does kill. So what does it mean to me? I couldn't tell you a straight answer if I tried. I will give you the best answer I can and it is this. It is absolutely terrifying. Not many of my close friends know. Not many of my family members know. I am extremely degrading on myself, I often feel like crying and if I could let myself not be frighted of some of the possibilities of  asking the right questions in an attempt to get help I would. With that said on the flip side I don't want to stop-I want to know what feeling thin is like again. I want to wear those thin clothes I have, those size 3 jeans. I'll do anything I have to do loose those 20lbs-even if it means 1 meal a day 600 calories tops.

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Triggered

It happened earlier in the week and caught me by surprise. I had made several things at work and just couldn't finish what i made. I've been doing a lot of "wasting" a lot lately. I even talked about a lot things I've kept to myself for quite some time with a co-worker. The trigger is something unusual-a t.v. show. I'm back to post thanksgiving weight. I have the day of again today and I'm going to try and both eat as little as possible and drink a ton of tea.....my goal is to see ribs again.

Had the biggest scare of my life last night and I don't know what to really think. I left the site prettythin up before I left for work and forgot the bf had the day off. Pretty sure he saw it but didn't say anything about it. I bought a dark chocolate bar and binged on it....ended up with probably a little over 1,000 cals for the day. Going to lesson it to 800 or less today and try and either purge or go for a walk on 1 meal. I can do it-I've just been extremely weak as a person.

Still taking an excess of vitamins....and unable to will myself off-...i know it's wreakless, dangerous...but the best way I have to cope with what I feel.

Feeling tired and a bit resigned to the fact I'm fat.

It's pretty close to winter here in New England. I usually don't like the weather or this time of year. It's a time where I am  stuck inside and have to find something to do. I get board and if i can't find something to do I eat for no good reason really. I haven't purged in about a week, but have been feeling odd. I think I'm coming down with a cold because I've been congested a lot lately. I weighed myself and I'm up to 139. I don't know how this is happening! If I eat less I weigh more. I can't seem to control myself and feel as if I might resort to the only thing that did keep my weight in check. I'm at a wits end and I'm tired of living in a fat suit. It's not pretty and I'm not happy. ....so I just weighed myself 137.6..still too high!

All that matters

Tonight has been a good night for the most part. I got out of work at 8 and have been online for a while now. I ate a lot today but have resisted eating junk thus far. I really want this badly. I want to lose enough weight for myself to feel good. I honestly feel that if that ends up being close to a dangerously low weight then it's up to me. In a lot of ways I have always felt like I do things to please a lot of other people and I am the last person I please. I like to keep others happy and avoid any conflict. I'm hoping that the weather is good because I would like to run for a little bit. I need to run a lot of things out. The holidays are a hard time for me since I lost my brother and I wish that I could avoid them all together-but that's not what he'd want.
Tomorrow I do not work but I think the bf will be home so I'm hoping that I can control myself better then I can at work. I'm beginning to think that the key to eating less is first eating something healthy then if I'm hungry again drinking some water. I have been wanting a pumpkin muffin for days now and have yet to eat it, because it just leads to more and more munching. Something that I promised myself after leaving McDicks I wouldn't do. I was under so much stress there and I don't know how I made it through some days. I made it through though.

...don't know how much I weigh....not sure I want to know either. (138)!!!!!!!! Fuck me.
Could it be due to the strength training I've been doing?

All by myself and still none-the-better.

Over the last week I have essentially fluctuated 4lbs. It is both stressing me out and making me want to just return to what I was doing and that was essentially nothing. I've been doing lunges, hip raisers, and fire hydrant leg lifts as well has switching my walk and run days. I have struggled with night binges and haven't purged since the beginning of the week. I feel like my legs are getting worked but my intake has increased instead of decreased like I would have liked it too. Apparently exercising is a big deal according to my bf and he doesn't seem to like it. I like exercising because it makes me feel better but do wish that I was in better shape. I hate my body and the way I look. I'm obsessed with ebay and spending money. I know that short of losing a limb or starving for long periods of time that I'm not going to just drop 20lbs but I do feel discouraged. I ate a couple of things I regret now but I guess that's how it goes.

Comming days

The next two days will be interesting, they're days I dread simply because I HAVE to hide how I feel about food etc. They are days where I simply have to eat A LOT.




2 tea
3 water
1 Peanut butter cup                 88 
1 Greek yogurt                       110
1.5 rice, broccoli, and cheese 225
4 sandies                                 320
Multi-grain wheat thins          140
Ran for 15 min.  175.51 (burned calories)

707.49
Current Weight: 134.6

It's been awhile...

It's been really too long. I find myself writing about what feels like a demise only waiting to happen. I have gotten in the habit of binging and purging because I can't control myself. I hate what I'm becoming and in my eyes it's a blob. I feel like a giant mass of fat and the farthest I've felt from loving myself in a long time. I won't step on the scale because I can tell just by looking at myself my weight has gone up. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me or if I just am really a fat blob.
I wish that losing weight was easy and the simple truth is that it isn't. I know what it's like to be terrified of gaining weight and yet through the binging and purging nothing has changed. I feel trapped in a box, and getting out of the box is only possible with a key. The key doesn't belong to me it belongs to something not controlled by me. I want to stop eating all together sometimes, but then I wonder what purpose would that serve and who would I be hurting other then myself. After all the only person who saw anything remotely wrong wouldn't see me suffer. I'm draw back to reality though and reality is far less dramatic. If I want to lose weight it's not up to who loves me to tell me what the right number is. If I believe the the right number is 95 then as long as I'm not dying it's an alright number. I remember how in the summer I felt at 128-the number for one day dropped to 126 and then went to 131. It was exhilarating to know I controlled the number.
If I were completely honest I would add that when I say binging and purging I mean purging once a day and if at all possible at least 5 days a week if I have enough vitamins. I now can't get my weight anything below 136 and if I'm lucky 134. I need to not eat junk food and think about what I'm drinking at work.

My other wish some might find truly shocking but I wish I had a weight loss buddy to correspond with on a regular basis. I don't have anyone to compare notes with or to exchange photos with. It's crossed my mind that the internet is a giant place and it's likely that I could find a buddy but just haven't tried hard enough too. I want to go on a 800 calorie diet with at least 10 min of running 20 min of walking. The winter is coming though and my goal of 110 by Dec 1st is a useless one unless I either find a buddy who will truly help me out or I make a promise to myself-whatever the cost.

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