Hope

Can one person truly be the key?
Is there a reason why one person sees something another person doesn't.
Is it really the eye of the beholder?
Am I the one who's vision has gone all wrong?
I don't see him, I don't feel him, I don't remember enough about him.
Can one person's pain be the Key?
I saw mine, I saw yours, and no one knew mine.
Am I privy to pain all my life, silently hoping and praying just one person will see.
You just can't turn a light switch and say everything's alright.
You have to have patience and bear my sorrows.
I am just hoping- you'll catch my fall.

Feelings

I believed anything was possible, that at any moment the unthinkable would happen.
I don't believe this anymore, some might say I've lost my faith entirely, and I might say it fell by the waste side.
I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to die-but I'd never let anyone I loved know.
I knew it wasn't ever easy, Life that is; Some of us run, some of us walk, some of us crawl and some of are brought to our knees.
I have been brought to my knees.
I have to pray that someday I'll breath again, hope again.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning 

I have to start again..

I want/need to make the following changes:

The first change is:

creating a morning routine.This morning routine would consist of at least 30 min. of exercise and 10 min of weight training. I know that having a routine that controls how much I exercise and what I eat would help the pounds melt. 

The second change is:

creating a no-eating-zone. This means that if I do eat it is between 9A.M. and 6P.M. After this time I am relegated to chamomile tea. 

The third change is:

follow through with my weight loss-after I got down to 113 I promised myself I would never go below 130. Every time I get near 130 I freak out. I know what I have to do and the process is slow and painful. I dictate what I put into my mouth and if I'm putting cookies in my mouth then I'm nothing more then a binge-r. In order for my confidence and hopes to go up I have to slowly eat less and less. Like Eminem says "Till I collapse."

MY GOAL for the SUMMER from June 6th-August 31st is to loose at most 30lbs and at the least 15lbs. That equates to about 2.5lbs per week! I want those people who didn't think I had it in me to look at me and say wow! So here I come 110-115

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Sigh-dedicated to M.P.C 2/7/87-5/6/11

It has been over a month since I posted and it's because so much has happened. On May 6th my brother passed away from a long time illness at the age of 24. I can talk about his passing but writing about his passing is different. I don't honestly want to remember the Friday he passed or the phone call I received or my reaction to both. It is so fucking hard to smile and I'm so much deeper saddened then anyone else seems to be aside from my mom. We both knew that he was going to pass eventually but didn't expect it to be as randomized as it was. I can't express in words how much I seriously miss him so I'm not going to try.

I will say this though; Michael

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you,

I tried to come up with words to sum up who you were,

They're aren't any that are good enough.

The sunshine you brought others always brightened even the most thunderous of your sky's.

You touched lives in ways I believe you couldn't even imagine.

I'm a better person because of you.

When the storms came you weathered them, when the pain was to much to bear you bared it.

Some of us are given choices, you choose Christ when he called your name and eventually home,

What a glorious site it must be, now your body is free,

No more sorrow, No more pain.

I was blessed to have known you and now I can sing

Christ can you hear me? If you can I need you.

Your are my sunshine-Unknown

I listened to this song in the days after his passing it made me cry, but it has a soothing melody.

Amazing Grace- Leann Rimes

The day that my brother passed away a man that's never been in either of our lives wrote to say that he was sorry for my loss. That man was my biological father and in order to get through the day without having an anxiety attack I just listened to this over and over again. If there's anything that I ever learned from my brother; it was to find forgiveness, and I pray someday I will for my father. 

Tears In Heaven-Eric Clapton

I found this song toward the end of the month and it brought me a little bit of peace; just another soothing song.

In Loving Memory-Alter Bridge

I found this song also toward the end of the month and it pretty much sums up how I feel about my brothers passing.