So the scale read 138.8 tonight and if I were actually taking my own advice I might be at 128.8 instead. If I thought that thanksgiving had much to do with my weight gain then I would have eaten less then I did, but in truth I think a lot of different things have to do with the number on the scale. This years been extremely tough and if I were to to pretend that I'm not hurting I would be lying. I don't fit into a size eight anymore and that's going to change for sure because I'm not comfortable with that. I used to be so neurotic about a lot of things and I have really just become lazy. I don't care about the things I used to-my looks, what people think about me-and yet I do.
I don't know who I am anymore, it was always clearly defined for me and now it isn't. It's scary to live in the shadow of someone who meant the world to the one who meant the world to you. When they're not around anymore you are left exposed to the world alone. I wish I wasn't alone anymore-I never wanted to be alone. I wanted to be the exceptional child and nothing I ever did matched in comparison. I promised myself I would never put myself through the hell I did just so I could be loved or a least feel loved.
I want to just die sometimes-maybe most of the time. I safeguard myself against it though and it is because in truth I just want to run away from the pain. I have kept most of my feelings to myself and that's tough too. All I can do is try and hang on..and find a solution.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning
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