I've been unable to write for nearly a week now because much of what I think and what I want to say I can't. I type away normally and when push comes to shove do say exactly what I want to say. I will say that I am scared that this blog has been read by someone close to me other then a few friends that know about it.
I 'll start with some of the things that seem crazy to me. I think that I have begun to treat people who try to get close to me, much like my mother does. I fear close attachments because anything can happen. My bf made another comment about Sara and it wasn't nice. He called her a Gothic chick and said she was freakishly skinny. I sometimes treat Sara with coldness because I fear she can see right through me. I know that sounds stupid-but what I mean is that she reads people extremely well. I feel inferior to her-she's independent, pretty, and skinny. I don't have any of these qualities-or at least I don't feel like I do. When my bf essentially made fun of Sara I felt like saying - "By the way, you know I wish I looked just like her." Not a lot of people get it-the whole skinny thing. I want to be able to wear anything, to not have to worry about size, or style etc. I want to feel my hip-bones again-I want a thigh gap etc. I want to shock everyone-I can imagine that if I went from 136- to say 106 it would be quite the shock. With the new year coming I intend on SHOCKING everyone. I definitely did gain some holiday weight. I'm up about 4lbs. Anyway...
I have some good news and potentially black mailing news. I about two and half maybe three weeks ago came to a agreement with a friend I've known since 2005. I had told him that I had engaged in self-harming behavior and that I was having a hard time stopping. I agreed that if I talked about cutting myself again that he could potentially black mail me into stopping. By this I said he could tell my bf. I can't lie and that's probably a good thing. I did cut myself the night of our last conversation-because I wanted to get it out of my system. Well I ended up with consequences of my own. I think that a part of me wanted a scar to be left, but another part of me wanted myself to see what I was doing to myself. I haven't cut for about 2 weeks. I know that engaging in self-harming behavior doesn't benefit anyone, it only hurts the ones that love you. I honestly can't guarantee that it wont happen again-but I can work on it each and everyday until I don't think I have to do it anymore.
I'm not sure if vitamins factored into our "black-mailing" agreement-but my guess would be that it would. I couldn't stop myself today and I bought some more. I took three and felt ill for about 20 min. I don't know if it was such a good idea to call my addiction to vitamins a chasing of a high. I hadn't thought of it that way ever and it does make sense-one might speculate that I'm high now because of the three I took earlier. I would say that I need a better reason then the reason I think I have have for destroying parts of myself. I hope that my honesty doesn't doesn't get used against me-I'm not sorry for the vitamins-I am sorry for the cutting.
Tomorrow is in 34 min and I don't plan on eating at work-or really at home. I weigh 136.4-eghh the holidays! Night all bb tommorrow.
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