I have gone a-wall the last two days. Completely absent from class but not work. I'm insecure and stressed out. I feel disadvantaged and yet experienced in ways that aren't applicable to my current studies. I'm tried all of the time-so tired that I just stayed at home for the last two days. My bf sister is apparently 5lbs underweight and I'm jealous-it must be nice. I just fluctuate between 2-5lbs. Anyway...this is not my week. I wanted it to go so much better. I was going to be perfect have all my assignments done and everything-but I think a part of my depression is a part of why I feel the way I do. I'm so tired of everything and I always seem to make it though. I can't cut or take vitamins, or stop eating-which takes away all the things that are self destructive. In all honesty I wish that I had a reason to feel this way, and i do but a lot of people wouldn't use it as an excuse or give themselves pity parties. To a lot of people it must seem like I don't care-like I can't do it. But that's not it at all. I'm overwhelmed with a guilt that has paralyzed me into silence. I don't want to feel better, I don't want to be aware of what's around me, or how crazy I feel-I just don't want to care again. Some might say I want to be out of control so that I could have negative attention-the type that might put me into a psy. hospital. It's the way I feel-cause in all honesty I don't feel alright. I Want To Starve but don't have the nerve. I'm not really interested in sex but obviously my bf is so I can't cut in any obvious place. My heart's weakened by the vitamins I used to take to purge.  Clearly I need help right....

Possibilities

I feel rather ill when I think of them. I feel tired and stressed at the end of most days. The energy I expend and the amount that I'm eating seem to be sufficient enough for me but not my body. I've fallen into a hole that's just getting bigger-I want to black out and just fucking disappear. I want to be fucking thin- I want to find a better way to feel dead inside. I just want to scream.

It's all in the Coffee

Without coffee I get headaches, and with coffee I don't get headaches. It boils down to caffeine. I have a few plans for the next week that some could argubly say are dangerous and unhealthy. I'm going to take my food intake from about 1500-2000 to 400-500. I have vacation and work that's it. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but i'm going to try. I weigh about 133 lbs and by the time I go back to school I'd like to weigh about 125 lbs.
On another note, I've been intrigued about something for a little while and up to this point have been candid with those that I believe to be trust worthy. Cutting is a form of self injury and can occur due to many causes. Most individuals that cut are young women. I am one of those in a sea of statistics. One day when I was in the library last week I came across a book that both intrigued me and got me wondering about why I do/did it.
I have had a lot on my mind lately and not had anyone to really express how much it's bothered me. I'm supposed to be fine with everything, fine with death; after all it happens all the time. I should be happy that I'm not being driven crazy, but in a possibly sick way I miss it. I feel like I'm being exposed, like i'm a phoney. I don't think I believe I'm beautiful. If I had to write about how I actually feel about myself it would resemble the definition of someone who has body dysmorphic disorder. I wish that I was sick-sickly skinny, who wishes that? Someone who's sick right.

So today I did binge-crazy right....but I figured if it was the last day I could eat, drink etc anything, i'd just do that. I'm going to as a way of keeping focused actually keep my food intake on here-so I don't eat crap. Eating healthy is good and eating less is even healther.

This is what I want to look like:

Right now I'd imagine that I'm at lwast 30lbs from this.

QuietLiLier

Feeling a bit destructive

I can't exactly pin point it but I feel weak and tired and I can remember how I felt way back when. I can't even say it out loud. No one knows I'm struggling with my body image, who should care though right? I hate everything about my body, it's awful, I lack confidence and I just want to loose weight-a lot of weight, enough to look sick. I want to stop eating, but I don't have enough sophistication to hide what I really want to be doing. I need a guise, tips something to sink my teeth into; a goal that's not only shared by me but someone else too. Someone to compare notes food with; a real competitor.

I think I'm going to start a list of things I'm not allowed to eat or drink:
Soda-I've developed an affinity to Dr. Pepper and way back when it was orange soda.
Starchy substances-stuff like potatoes, crackers, non-wholegrain bread, breaded items.
-when I was growing up I was forced to eat a ton of potatoes and for the most part I don't eat a lot of potatoes but, I do eat crackers and mostly because of the salt. Instead of a sweets tooth I have a salt tooth so my problem basically is that I retain a ton of salt even though I drink a lot of water.
-when I was also growing up I had to eat a lot of pasta, rice and sauce. I've moved away from that but since it's quick and easy, lasts forever, and for the most part I don't eat now.

I like fruit-this is tricky though because some are really sweet and others not so much. Vegtables are good but I loose interest in them, don't have them everyday and am very picky when it comes to them.

So Goals for the week:
Limit the amount of cream that I put in my coffee.
Limit my meals to one, without snacks in between.
If I do have one meal to not eat after 7 P.M.
Write down all of what I eat.

QuietLiLier

Nails

My nails usually stay long when I can handle stress or at least I think I can. I haven't been eating all that well and it's not my fault-I've been sick. I hate when I'm sick, but when I'm sick I do lose a little bit of weight. I weigh 133. Yeah me right-Not. I don't have any control over myself and it sucks I love food-but hate it too. I want to just eat 500 calories a day and exercise like a mad women! hmmmm....What I need is to keep a daily ACCURATE account of what I'm doing but it's near impossible on days when J is here, my fiance. I guess I have to figure something out-I'd love to actually look A LOT THINNER. Well-that's kinda all for now, I've been home all day with the acception of early this morning and I have to get homework done before class and email some people.

QuietLiLier

Quite Reflection

Today my brother would have been 25. He was my best friend and I miss him greatly. He was someone who knew a lot about what seemed nothing at times. He would always be running his mouth and was never quiet. I remember the last time I visited with him-it was the winter I ate the only snickers bar he had. We sat at this long brown table in an area they labeled for visitors. I brought my crocheting stuff with me and tried to crochet to pass the time. We went all over the place he was put in-he wanted me meet people and show me around. I enjoyed spending that time with him. That was the last time I saw him alive. I didn't want to leave and I wish I hadn't. He knew he wasn't going to make this far and he was right.
I just hope I can keep it together at school-I have up to this point. Today is going to be a celebration of my brother life.
Dear Michael,
It's been the longest and shortest nine months of a year. If I stand still long enough time seems to just go right on by. I feel so lonely sometimes, bitter others, and even worse sometimes resentful of others who have siblings. I wish that everyone who had a sibling realized how special they are. I used to cry almost everyday, and now I cry every once and a while-I'm so sorry for being selfish. You were patient for such a long time-and all of us wondered why. Your reward was heaven-ours was knowing you. The day that I left you-I felt it in my heart it would be the last time. I was right-it's so hard to hear people say I was a good sister-because I don't believe I was. I'm sorry for leaving you. I thought it would make me feel better. I never lost sight of you-I never forgot to think about you. Sometimes I think your still here-and in spirit you are. 
I could have sworn Mr. Michael you came to me in a dream-without saying much you assured me that you were okay-it's what's I needed to know. Thank you for that. 
Love Sissy

I have to.

I have to do better-the worlds moved on and as sad as I can be, I can't be. I feel really good some days and awful others. I'm exhausted most of the time and oh yeah I weigh about 133 so I've lost a little-it really does depend on if I eat a lot or a little though. For about a month now I've felt out-smarted, like I was dumb and slow. The students in my classes all have a present goal or at least that's my conjecture. I feel like I don't have any friends in my psychology program. I don't know anyone-and at times it's not a really big deal, but at others it's what leaves me feeling even more lonely then I was before. I'm not supposed to be doing this alone. Last semester was a mess and I don't even want to know what people thought of me then. I've never been traditional in the sense of anything. I either overdue it or just don't even try at all. I know that there are people to support me in what I'm doing-but sometimes I just need more. I need to know that even if I do screw up their love is unconditional and it doesn't feel that way. I have a ungodly schedule this semester and I set it up this way. I did it because last semester I almost had to much time to think about how pitiful my life actually was. I have to try and set attainable goals for myself and that seems exhausting at times. I said I wasn't going to use excuses anymore-and yet I still have. Life knows how to put you flat on the floor.

Resolve.Resilience.Strength. all things that make me who I am.