Loneliness makes me want to cut..

I feel like some things have changed, but not enough to create an attitude change.
I'm distracted, but it's not enough-it's hard to not focus on the one thing that's staring me in the face.
This phase of denial seems limitless-I just want to go back to how my life was before- I was morning someone very dear to me that wasn't dead.
The very word dead is distancing to me. How do you avoid feeling anything for years when it feels like you've felt everything. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore.
I feel like it should have been me. What do I have to offer the world?
My mind and my heart are not in sync- I just want to cry when I come home from work-some people don't know how good they have it.
All I have are memories and that's not good enough for me. I want to see my brother so much it hurts.
I've been emotionally eating a lot and it's starting to show-all this stress isn't helping.
Is alright to just want to scream sometimes are just be so angry you just want to drink?
I don't have any place to put what feels like the weight of the world down..
I want to just bleed really-I have too many scars though and have run out of explanations.
Anything I've ever felt just doesn't match the misery of feeling empty.
The world moves on and some people skip grief entirely-at least that's the way it feels.
I'm in a fog and I can only pretend things are completely fine for so long. My heads still in the clouds two months later.
Maybe I just honestly don't care what the world thinks anymore.
I was always afraid of what would happen to me after my brothers passing and it wasn't anything I didn't expect-I fell apart....
I just want to drink and drink and drink and then cry, cry, cry.
I can sum it up to this-I want to die but I don't want to die-I just wanted to go home and I didn't in time.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.