Been Thinking...Day 7

Today is day 7! I'm embarrassed to write down what I've eaten, but what the hell right? So my intake consisted of 2-3 yogurt granola bars, one regular one, Doritos, a piece of bread, and oatmeal. I didn't feel good this morning-woke with the worst stomach feeling. I felt completely and utterly empty. I had some green tea, some diet green tea, and ginger ale. I didn't go out and walk just worked cleaning the house.  I weigh....an outrageous number to me, but really is average. I finally got an interview. I'd be working at a gas station/deli if I got hired. Cross fingers hope I do.

I'm tired and yes still hungry-but I'll manage to deal. My goal for tomorrow is to drink more water!

Day 6-the sugar conspiracy!

So the past two days I've had limitless amounts of food and not so much exercise. I feel like a blimp! I binged and binged and didn't purge. The bf was around and I couldn't risk it. I finally had a sliver of good news on the job front and have an interview in the morning. I was down to 128.6 and now I'm back at 133.8 +! Once I do get a job and get payed I'm going to get some more vitamins and possibly do a cleanse. For now though.... here goes


Intake: 2 vanilla yogurt granola bars, 1 can Beefaroni, Doritos, and a mocha latte frap (Starbucks 100 cal) .

Exercise:

Current weight: (ashamed)

Day 3

I don't know what I'm going to exactly eat today. I know that my caloric intake should only reach 800 calories so I think that since there isn't much food in my apartment I might make something up. I wish that I had more of an urge to poo then to pee! Just saying-all this water is making it seem like I'm getting up all the time. I have to stay away from making something up though...if I don't know how many calories are in what I'm making up I'll only gain weight! 

REMINDER: Many have reached your goal, Many have failed to reach their goals which one are you going to be?

Intake: PLANNED FOR DAY. Benifiber (10) Oatmeal packet (160) 1 hotdog  (325) 1 ear of corn with 1tbsp butter (100), pretzel rods (60), Grilled chick strips (240), Ketchup (15),  2 pieces of bread (240), Peanut butter (250), Milk (55) and Mustard sauce.

Okay so here goes...I woke up with a headache drank, some benefiber, some ice water and kinda got up for the day.  I made the bf lunch as usual and had some too. I made corn on the cob and him chicken nuggets. I wasn't going to make anything and then I decided to make some grilled chicken strips for myself. I snuggled back into bed and woke up a couple hours later, and had a small serving of pretzel rods. I feel weak and tired ...don't really want to go for a walk but think it might help. Plus I could burn off 100 calories..well make that 204! So 1380 (10 calorie drink mix) -204 gives me 1011!!!!!  Oye vay-I literally lost control. Had 2 cups of camomile tea, and soon to be green tea.
Weight:128.6

Just an fyi for the next one to two days I will be a-wall. I will update as soon as I can:)
~Q

30 Day Challenge (Day 2)

Day Two-"I'm going to prove you wrong because I know I can lose weight and still be healthy." Intake: 1 green tea (0 calories) 1 large coffee (35 calories) PLANNED for DAY- 1 packet oatmeal (160 calories) 1 apple (77), 1 peach (61), 7 carrots (35), 1 medium tomato (35) and a pasta mix. ( Pea's, tuna, Miracle whip and pasta) 400-600 calories...

Exercise: 1 hour housework, 2.0 mile walk, 2.0 mile = 178+120+78=376.

Well it's a little after midnight almost one in the morning and I feel unsettled- I feel like a waste of space small lifer and like I am off little value.

.....well it's late and my previous post was accidentally deleted! I'll talk in the afternoon.
Weight: 128.8!

Okay so it's not the afternoon but around lunch. Man did I have a hard time falling asleep with an empty stomach. It took about two hours. I am tired but I'm also glad that my resolve seems to be getting stronger. It helps to see other people progress. Still no job, and getting very anxious. Something has to work out right? I should be getting s license soon and then I can do whatever I want. Freedom is nice-although it shouldn't come at the cost of my mental health. I must say that it amazes me any weight is coming off-2lbs exactly in one day! Ahhh-well I have to stay focused I guess, no late night munches..etc.

bb later tonight!

Got back from my run/walk. I had the last half of my meal. I really don't know how many calories were in the pasta, my guess is I had 300 plus calories. Ehh, I'm not gonna sweat it to much I guess. I added 1bsp of peanut butter to the apple (200). and I'm on my second cup of green tea. I want to eat the whole house....but it will have to wait until breakfast/lunch tomorrow!
Okay. So I'm human. I ended up eating more pasta salad stuff then I thought I would and had three and a half whole wheat, butter substitute cookies at about 10:30 p.m. It sucks I'm alone in this as my bf doesn't care about his weight-or being overweight. I also though in my defense had 4 large glasses of water after the four I previously had earlier in the day. For preventative measures I threw the rest of what I made out along with quite a few cookies. It wouldn't surprise me if I gained weight because of this-I might go for an early morning walk just so I can boost my chances. Hoping for 127.8....probably going to see 131 flat.

well night all-the next post will be coming very soon!
~Q

30-Day Challenge (Day 1)

Okay so you might be asking 30 days to what and what kind of challenge am I talking about. In 30 days I want to drop 15lbs. So I will begin with what each entry citing what I ate, how much exercise I did, the challenges of the day, my energy level and possibly some more stuff as the days progress.

Day One-The "I have had enough, have to get off my ass and do something about it because if I don't then I never will."

  Intake: 1 cup lactose free milk (110), Strawberry Hersey sauce (100), raw cookie dough (?) 1 cup of peas  salt and pepper-olive oil(180), 8 whole wheat, butter substitute, sugar cookies(640?),  Pasta mix (350)= 1380-488= 892 so far...4 large classes water.

   Exercise: 1 hour housework, 2.3 mile walk, 2.3 mile run= 488 burned.


Woke up with a headache. I usually eat well into the night and last night I had liquids instead of food. I don't know whether my headache was from dehydration, an actual need for food or if it is a withdrawal symptom as it stands I've been 5-6 days without vitamins. I'm feeling a little ill and just kind off tired. After I drank some green tea last night before the milk my stomach went sour.  After exercise we'll see...so the run was definitely tough on my stomach....but I made it16 whole minutes. So my total for the day is under 1000, and ends at 892 or if y'all like round numbers 900. Almost 100 over. 


Weight: 130.8
It's 7 minutes to 11 and I just have the urge to grab a bunch of crap eat it and then purge. I don't normally stop eating until right about now and the only way I've managed to gain a huge amount of weight is through exercise. I am worried that the only job I'll end up with is the one I mentioned (McDicks). It's looking more and more likely. I've had so far two teas and soon some coffee with 70 cals of creamer-@ midnight.  

Looking for a buddy-not for the many reasons why I shouldn't be

Last night I drove home with the bf in tow, crying as silently as I could. I wanted to explain to him badly the real reason why I didn't want to go back to work for McDonald's. I fear that if I am forced to go back that I am going to gain a large amount of weight. He doesn't know this and instead choose to lecture me for 10 minutes about how when someone is an adult they have to do things they don't want too. In an argument similar to the one last night I had argued that I payed my dues when it came to not doing things I didn't like. I fear that I may start cutting again because of the stress as well. To him non of this matters, just that we survive and if it means my mental health being effected so be it. I can't and wont work at a place where almost every girl has SI marks on there arms and writs. I didn't believe or know that people could be so cruel before working at McDonald's. I also fear that like most people my life have, if I worked at a McDonald's they wouldn't take seriously my hearing loss. I guess one could say that I'm very sensitive. 

What this post was originally going to about was the use of a buddy in the facilitation of self injurious behavior and how it effects those who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder and those who haven't been. I personally have not been diagnosed but from what I have gathered I am EDNOS with bulimic tendencies. Lately I've been feeling lonely and control-less. I have good days and bad days, some shadowed by what seems manic episodes that end in me feeling worse then when I started. I so desperately want to lose the 33lbs I have weighing me down and prove that I can be healthy and weigh 101 pounds. But everything that I've been doing doesn't seem to work. Stress is a powerful thing and right now I am stressed. If it's not asking to much I would like a BUDDY to at the very least compare notes with. I eat at most 1300 calories and at the least 500. I exercise, mostly running and walking. I want to know what it's like to feel my stomach grumble again, the headaches, the fizzy vision, it all is what I'm prepared for.

I don't need any hate from anyone-I know that my desire to be thin is heading in a direction that may or may not have a great outcome. Today is July 19, 2012 and It is the first day in which I will restrict/possibly fast. I'm tired of being fat and feeling contemptuous. 

Feel free to email me at bhschick06@hotmail.com if you want to join.

[QuietLiLier]

Coming Soon a Giant Thinspo post!

It's nearing the end of July and I have so much to still do. I still have weight to lose, a job to get, and bills to pay. The older I get the more complicated life gets. I can't wait until I do get a job because then I'll have money again. In the next day I'll post a lot of thinspo-it hopefully will encourage me and the 8 followers I have. Got to Go :) bbs.


QuietLiLier

Just the stillness

Almost all the lights in my apartment are on and not for any other reason then I'm alone tonight again.
I'm listening to music and just thinking about what the words mean to me.
I miss the days when I was sad but optimistic, now I'm hardened and cynical.
I love the Vampire Diaries and feel like a lot of the songs are relevant to how I feel.
I wish immortality was something attainable-tangible.
I wish that I could starve and live on nothing.

Yes-I'm alive.

I wish that I hadn't lost a part of me. I feel like the things I used to hide well were brought front and center when I lost my brother. It's a subject I'm left to contemplate on my own. I have a lot to think about-I hid well and exposure is the last thing I ever wanted. I think about the guilt I feel, the sadness, the anger, the pain-nothing that I ever could do to myself could ever change any of it. My brother was born to die and I was born to watch it happen. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I'm really alive-I feel dead. I am still talking the vitamins because at this point it's the only pain I feel. It really is sad when you can't say anything good about yourself-and that's where I'm at. I still have to come to terms, get a grip, whatever you want to call it a year later with it all. Death is never kind...

I exercised twice today because I had nothing else to really do. I still have to find a job. I made it down to 127 and am back to 132-oh the vicious cycle. What I'm hoping will work is exercising within reason twice a day. In the morning and at night. Likelyhood I'll wake up in the morning Nill-so my hw tonight is to look up way to get up early when your not a morning person. My first thought Coffee! Well ....the internet is scatter-brainy so ..Night all.