Lost

It's the easiest way to explain how I feel-uncontrollably lost. I didn't plan this for myself. I'm supposed to be happy and I've lost what that's supposed to feel like. I'm deeply saddened and it's a place that hurts to be in. I'm stuck and I have been afraid for years that I would become stuck. Talking about how I feel only helps for a little while and then I'm alone and I don't have anyone to talk to-that's the worst.
I'm so physically here but not anywhere in the building psychologically. It's seriously as if I have checked out-it's hard to explain. For 3 or 4 months I was able to control it, the feelings of emptiness, sadness, tiredness or at least that's what I thought. I have spent a lifetime running from the very thing that I should have been facing. I was always told it wasn't my grieve to feel, it wasn't my feelings that mattered and it's destroyed me. I feel so angry about it all really. My life was messed up, fucked up and no one cared because in the end it didn't matter. I've been quite about so many things for far to long.
I need to find a strength I've not ever known to get out of this rut, and I need to find it fast. It's so hard to just forget everything that's happened this year. I can't and I don't think that that's the right solution either. I am a strong person and I can't let the circumstances be what they may stop me from being successful. As sad has it makes me say this I know that my brother was always proud of me-you can't buy that kind of love. I have to keep myself together for two more weeks.

On a completely different note today consisted of fries (Not the McDonald's kind) some ketchup two coffee's a granola bar, some yogurt and a Gatorade. A very heavy dose of exercise that was outside that nearly froze me to death.  So I'm not sure where I weigh in at but it's safe to say not 138. My guess would be in the high 135-low 137 range. So not much to eat. What I like to plan on doing for the semester forward is to narrow my meals down to one meal a day and 30 min of exercise. In order to start this though it would be keeping a continuous journal of when I did this , how I did it, when I didn't do it etc.
Just another side note-For the rest of this week including Friday I'm going to try and drink tea before I go to school/work. Or do something that leaves me less anxiety stricken.
So the moral of the story boys and girls is that if you just write down how your feeling and elaborate on it will make the "rock" on your shoulder lighter.-Now I am going to begin the long list of homework assignments and when I'm done I'm going to be the happiest gal on the planet!
<3 formally NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning