Lost

It's the easiest way to explain how I feel-uncontrollably lost. I didn't plan this for myself. I'm supposed to be happy and I've lost what that's supposed to feel like. I'm deeply saddened and it's a place that hurts to be in. I'm stuck and I have been afraid for years that I would become stuck. Talking about how I feel only helps for a little while and then I'm alone and I don't have anyone to talk to-that's the worst.
I'm so physically here but not anywhere in the building psychologically. It's seriously as if I have checked out-it's hard to explain. For 3 or 4 months I was able to control it, the feelings of emptiness, sadness, tiredness or at least that's what I thought. I have spent a lifetime running from the very thing that I should have been facing. I was always told it wasn't my grieve to feel, it wasn't my feelings that mattered and it's destroyed me. I feel so angry about it all really. My life was messed up, fucked up and no one cared because in the end it didn't matter. I've been quite about so many things for far to long.
I need to find a strength I've not ever known to get out of this rut, and I need to find it fast. It's so hard to just forget everything that's happened this year. I can't and I don't think that that's the right solution either. I am a strong person and I can't let the circumstances be what they may stop me from being successful. As sad has it makes me say this I know that my brother was always proud of me-you can't buy that kind of love. I have to keep myself together for two more weeks.

On a completely different note today consisted of fries (Not the McDonald's kind) some ketchup two coffee's a granola bar, some yogurt and a Gatorade. A very heavy dose of exercise that was outside that nearly froze me to death.  So I'm not sure where I weigh in at but it's safe to say not 138. My guess would be in the high 135-low 137 range. So not much to eat. What I like to plan on doing for the semester forward is to narrow my meals down to one meal a day and 30 min of exercise. In order to start this though it would be keeping a continuous journal of when I did this , how I did it, when I didn't do it etc.
Just another side note-For the rest of this week including Friday I'm going to try and drink tea before I go to school/work. Or do something that leaves me less anxiety stricken.
So the moral of the story boys and girls is that if you just write down how your feeling and elaborate on it will make the "rock" on your shoulder lighter.-Now I am going to begin the long list of homework assignments and when I'm done I'm going to be the happiest gal on the planet!
<3 formally NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

The things I've convinced myself of

I hold so much in sometimes that I forget to breathe. If I were a metaphor I would describe myself as drowning in an ocean and the ocean would be sorrow, pain, misery, disappointment, disapproval, emptiness and sadness.  I think that I have convinced myself that giving up is better then fighting. I am tired of fighting with myself. I want to be so perfect, I want to be so thin, I want what I can't have, I want my old life and old self back without it I don't feel right. I don't know what to fight for, I am lost and it scares me so much. I set up reinforcements to stop myself from getting into my old disordered habits and their failing. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore and this time I haven't resorted to drugs or alcohol. I feel so alone in all of this and I wish it didn't feel that way. I think I might just be depressed after all. Feeling everything sucks.
Lately this all I see-all I imagine and I'm tired of imagining it. My brother is dead and I remember everything. I remember that Saturday when I viewed his body how cold he was and how afraid I was. I was afraid to touch him. I remember being at the wake and him laying their so peacefully. I remember saying goodbye and not meaning it-because theirs a part of me that still doesn't want to believe that he's dead. The cold hard facts make me sick.
I've convinced myself that one meal a day is okay.
Yesterday I worked at Mcdick's and ordered 2 large coffee's with two shots of espresso a piece. Some diet coke and some cereal.
Tonight I'm at school and I had a Luna bar, three coffees, pita chips and a turkey sandwhich with banana peppers, cheddar cheese and bacon. And I'm pulling an all nighter.

I have to fight through it ALL. I have to remember that I am STRONG ENOUGH. And on the days I feel my weakest I have to remember that it's ALL RIGHT.

<3 NeverEndingAlwayBeginning

Should probably be taking my own advice..

So the scale read 138.8 tonight and if I were actually taking my own advice I might be at 128.8 instead. If I thought that thanksgiving had much to do with my weight gain then I would have eaten less then I did, but in truth I think a lot of different things have to do with the number on the scale. This years been extremely tough and if I were to to pretend that I'm not hurting I would be lying. I don't fit into a size eight anymore and that's going to change for sure because I'm not comfortable with that. I used to be so neurotic about a lot of things and I have really just become lazy. I don't care about the things I used to-my looks, what people think about me-and yet I do.
I don't know who I am anymore, it was always clearly defined for me and now it isn't. It's scary to live in the shadow of someone who meant the world to the one who meant the world to you. When they're not around anymore you are left exposed to the world alone. I wish I wasn't alone anymore-I never wanted to be alone. I wanted to be the exceptional child and nothing I ever did matched in comparison. I promised myself I would never put myself through the hell I did just so I could be loved or a least feel loved.
I want to just die sometimes-maybe most of the time. I safeguard myself against it though and it is because in truth I just want to run away from the pain. I have kept most of my feelings to myself and that's tough too. All I can do is try and hang on..and find a solution.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Maybe I'm fooling myself-Maybe it's a good thing.

It is a Thursday night and I am alone in the computer lab of my college typing yet another post because I have nothing better to do on a Thursday night-it is kinda tragic. I am ashamed to admit that the past two days have been a steady binge toward what I call my fat suit body. I feel like I am in one and it sucks-I feel like there's not much I can about it. I hate my body so much that I have begun to disassociate myself from it-or at least that is my plan.

If I am on a one way train to destruction then I better start destroying myself before the train comes to a complete stop and I can't do it anymore. Right now my stomach is gurgling and growling and I feel supremely empty. If a fat girl can seriously lose 10lbs and a skinny girl can loose nearly 30lbs then it is not impossible for me to a. starve and b. drop 15lbs-eventually getting to 30. I've done it before and the road isn't easy but it's better then being fat today, tomorrow, a month from now, or a year from now.

I want my body to look vulnerable-I want someone to describe me as skinny or extremely thin. It has been way to long since I posted my idealism; so I'm going to do just that.

So my current weight is 134.5 and I am 5ft three. I am too embarrassed to post a lard picture that would be more disturbing then what I hope to achieve so I won't. I was 113 at my lowest and I was able to hide how I lost weight so quickly and I'll be doing that again-Stressfull!-Worth the reward though.

Just a passing thought but I really have the desire to purge at the moment. I feel like doing it-I repulse myself that much. I also wanted to mention though that I also need to keep myself preoccupied so I can ignore what i am going to start calling instant gratification growls, gurgles, and pains.

This what I want to become and be.

This I thought was simply pretty!
Night for now
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning