If you knew me

When I write I often write in short sentences or in poem like pros. It enables me to write down what I'm thinking faster and in a way that leaves my soul purged of it's deepest thoughts and concerns. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I just need to unwind for a bit.

I can't deny anymore that you've passed away, I'm angry and I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to say goodbye, because I'm afraid I'll forget you.
I keep picturing you in the craziest way, your not whole and that bothers me.
I wanted to be with you, and I know I can't be with you now, Where are you?!
Work is not enough of a distraction for me, I'm not distracted enough at this point.
I wonder what it would be like to just stop eating for a month.
I want to waste away so I can truly feel your pain,
If I thought the guilt, the pain, and the emptiness was going to get better with your passing I couldn't have been more wrong. 
I'm in a nightmare in which I will never wake from, the before and the after are just that.
I'm not sure what I believe at this point-miracles are a stretch for my heart.
If it is true that God doesn't give any one person more then they can handle why does it feel like I've been given so much.
I'm physically here but I'm not emotionally here-in that I feel so distanced from those around me.
I want to want to live and right now it's harder then ever to do so.
I wish that when I tried to speak about what I'm actually feeling I wasn't shut down.
No amount of work-No amount of distraction is going to bring back what is marked now as the past.
I used to be good at avoiding my emotions and putting them in a box-I broke down at work.
I'm tired and I just don't care about the things I used to care about.
I'm taking a lot of vitamins and it doesn't matter.

If

It seems like a lot of my decisions lately hinge on an if. If I spend this money here I can't spend it there. I'm so damn indecisive. If I take an extra laxative then I'll be sick all day today and wont eat much but I can't afford to do that with a 4-5 hour car ride. It's driving me a little nuts. I feel like I'm inside of a fat suite and it really is all my fault. I have to step on the scale so I know how much I weigh, but I know I'm not going to like the number. 137.2 and I don't like the number, although I thought it'd be something like 145 so I'm a little relieved. Is it even possible to get to 120? My body's making it seriously seem pretty close to impossible. 17lbs! Can I loose that much in two months? a month?
I'm in need of some new thinspo :)

Epic fail

I don't want to step on the scale, because the number would probably scare me. I hate feeling tired and I hate exercising. I hate my job, and I hate how time doesn't stop for anyone or any thing. I feel stressed out and wish I could completely chill myself out. I've built up a tolerance to the vitamins and can't purge. I fit into a size 12 dress which is two sizes away from a 14! Fuck! So somethings definitely need  to change! This week work is going to be crazy!

Suspect behavior

People are not dumb or at least the ones that are close and care about you. I'm loosing myself in the ones around me and just trying to make them happy when I'm not. I've used food for the last couple of months to console me and it's what I feared would happen with the passing of my brother. Isn't that sick?
I work at 11 and leave at 8, and usually only get an ice coffee....well on my 30 min. break-and have yet to loose any weight. Gr..!

Vitamins

It wasn't always the way it is now, by this I mean what the point of this blog is all about. I remember when life as I knew it was better, but isn't that how we all see it. No one knew my secret, no one knew the real reason why I was blacking out or what I was doing in my bedroom. I had a routine, I had a way of dealing with things. I put everything that hurt, everything that was troubling me in a box that was always out of the way. I put my heart into running and that was it. The following are just experiences I remember that have stuck with me and have to do with some level of addiction.

Wisdom Teeth

I remember feeling so much anxiety the day my wisdom teeth were pulled and then I was knocked out. To make a long story short I had an IV and after counting to 10 I was out. I woke up a while later in recovery and felt wonderful until the medicine started warring off. Later that week I ran the best 800 meter dash of my life; 2:52 with the assistance of pain killers.

Comments

I remember the coach's comment clearly and wonder how I could be so impressionable at 17. I loved track and field because it took me away from what I couldn't run away from. It was a safe place and I belonged. He stated that if I lost 10-15lbs I could be faster. I was crushed but I also took that to mean I was obese when in reality I was within a healthy range. There were no sit at the table rules so I would take dinner into my bedroom and throw half of it out, and run the shower and purge. One of the last times I did this was with ipecac syrup and I though I was going to die. I did this until I weighed in at 113.

When I was younger I remember feeling invincible and even though I'm not that old I feel like those days are long gone. I feel tired of putting my feelings in a box and hiding them away. I know that this vitamin thing is an addiction and it's something that could do some harm but it doesn't matter I guess. I guess my work place and the stress I felt can be to blame for picking up such a destructive habit. I wonder what they call this? 

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Life as I know it.

It's the things that we are the most afraid of that make us all stronger. I have days were nothing matters and other days when everything matters. I cried at work and was a bit sad at work and hid it well. I wish that someone would have asked if I was alright but they didn't. Lately the only thing I've wanted is alcohol to make me forget the time I felt like I lost with my brother. And I was dangerously close to getting a bottle of Jack Daniels but I didn't. I'm working on getting some vitamins again which probably isn't such a good idea, but I need them. They relieved my stress level a lot. My weight is getting ridiculous and I really need to keep up with it. I'm so tired when I get out of work that I usually eat dinner and zonk out.
So this next part might sound ridiculous but I have the best thinspo ever at work. I've never really said anything about it to anyone before but thus far she's the reason I don't eat the fast food when I'm working. I've been ordering coffee. I'm going to throw some shit out of the house-because comfort food SUCKS.
A kind of to do list is definitely an order:
1. One-a-day vitamins, weight smart or energy-get used to the nauseous feeling again.
2. Take the vitamins with liquid based food and not starch based food.
3. The feeling normally lasts for 30-45 min before anything happens.
I hope I feel a little better when I get them on Friday.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.

Loneliness makes me want to cut..

I feel like some things have changed, but not enough to create an attitude change.
I'm distracted, but it's not enough-it's hard to not focus on the one thing that's staring me in the face.
This phase of denial seems limitless-I just want to go back to how my life was before- I was morning someone very dear to me that wasn't dead.
The very word dead is distancing to me. How do you avoid feeling anything for years when it feels like you've felt everything. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore.
I feel like it should have been me. What do I have to offer the world?
My mind and my heart are not in sync- I just want to cry when I come home from work-some people don't know how good they have it.
All I have are memories and that's not good enough for me. I want to see my brother so much it hurts.
I've been emotionally eating a lot and it's starting to show-all this stress isn't helping.
Is alright to just want to scream sometimes are just be so angry you just want to drink?
I don't have any place to put what feels like the weight of the world down..
I want to just bleed really-I have too many scars though and have run out of explanations.
Anything I've ever felt just doesn't match the misery of feeling empty.
The world moves on and some people skip grief entirely-at least that's the way it feels.
I'm in a fog and I can only pretend things are completely fine for so long. My heads still in the clouds two months later.
Maybe I just honestly don't care what the world thinks anymore.
I was always afraid of what would happen to me after my brothers passing and it wasn't anything I didn't expect-I fell apart....
I just want to drink and drink and drink and then cry, cry, cry.
I can sum it up to this-I want to die but I don't want to die-I just wanted to go home and I didn't in time.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.

Work-Depression-Suicide

I may have to go back to the place where I left because I was unhappy and there was more then enough drama to go around. I'm literally freaking out about it!It wasn't a good place for me and I'm actually a little scared to go back. The place is a literal hell hole and it's a restaurant. I know I need a better attitude cause it does make a difference in the end, I just don't like failing and that's what I felt like I was doing. I could never do anything right enough if that makes any sense at all.
With my brother passing I just want things to be the way they were. He meant the world to me and my world just isn't the same. It really does hurt that I'm alive and he's not. I feel like I'm sinking slowly into a sand pit. In the days after his death I just had coffee and didn't sleep for two days until my body couldn't take it anymore. I don't understand why things happen the way they do.
I can only try to explain what I mean when I say I want to die. I want to stop eating, I want to require medical assistance and yet I know that in order to do that I'm going to have to suffer. My mind and my will power are always playing tug-a-war. I'm always in situations where I can say no I'm not hungry and I eat. I'm failing miserably at getting back on my fast I have not so many days left till the BBQ and I'm fucking up.
One of the only advantages I see with getting payed again is I can start to buy vitamins and purge the misery away. I've don't know if I've mentioned  that I am able to purge food when I basically overdose on vitamins. I take 2 or 3 and eat mostly liquid-y food and within 30 min I purge. I don't remember when I got addicted to vitamins. I do remember however when I was at my lowest weight that I used to purge pretty much without the aid of anything.
I hate that none of my habits have truly transferred to living on my own/with my fiance. I loved having my own room where after meals or even during them I could only eat half of what was served and throw the rest out. I felt disciplined when I used to basically run on empty. I can fast the majority of the time because my fiance's at work and restrict. I hate being watched when I'm eating. I hate being the fat friend.
If I've learned anything thus far with my Ana tendencies it's that I have to be patient. Habits are learned and unlearning them takes time. I'm an emotional avoid-er-that emotionally eats. My first goal is to pretty much control the time in which I allow myself to eat. I have to unlearn the fear that's held me back from my true intentions-weather they be harmful or not. All I have is time right? I do have pretty good control when I'm by myself it's when I around others that I'm easily influenced.
Well if this sounded like the ranting of a mad-women it was. I have felt pretty crazy at times and this has to be pretty close to the first time I felt extraordinarily crazy. I think the next time I post I'm going to have to come up with a mantra that fits my relentless pursuit for losing 30lbs. I do believe that I can do it and I will; I just have to work out the kinks first.

 This def. isn't me-and YES this is a FAIL.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

A food diary-what I call success.

For Friday July 1st I ate 3 egg whites [45], had coffee [80, 30, 10] tea [0], water, and fiber drink [10]. 

(7/1) 175 Calories 137.4 (Start weight)

For Saturday July 2nd I ate 3 egg whites [45], had coffee [40, 30, 10], tea [0] and water,  6oz of Ginger ale [70], red pickled peppers [5] and Fiber drink [10]. 

(7/2) 210 Calories 135.8 (Morning weight)

For Sunday June 3rd I have run out of eggs whites, but will have coffee [120], water, tea, Subway club

(7/3) 299 Calories 133.8 (Morning weight)

My goals have always been to high to reach as far as my weight been concerned in the last couple of years. For a while I was 130 and then 5lbs crept up to 135 and then 5lbs more crept up to 140. It's dawned on me that when I was losing weight that I always has complete control and now that I'm "happy" I just shove down my throat whatever I feel  like. If this is to work in the fashion that I'd like it too I'm going to have to stick to my guns because the 4th of July is coming up and I can end up were I was quite easily. 

I have widdled myself down to 113 before and I can do it again. I have something I need to get off my chest though first. I have thought of suicide once in my life and by the grace of God when I was about to walk in front of a car thought better of it. Does the emotional pain I feel begin to even match the physical pain I know I'm about to incur on myself? The answer is this: I watched for nine years someone I love dearly die. I do believe that my dear brother had anorexia and because of his illness and the physical pain he felt thought it was better to starve. I have mixed emotions about this because I feel like he watched me starve myself and it's how he got the idea to to. I feel as if I starve I can match his pain. I feel sick in the head for even thinking like this. 

It's been years since I've looked in the mirror and seen what I liked. I feel like my face is fat, my stomach could feed a third world country, and my thighs well are tree trunks. I want people at the BBQ I'm going to, to be shocked. I haven' t shocked well anyone in a long time. My present goal is to weigh about 127 for this BBQ since I did weigh 137.... I think that my plan is to reach for about 400 calories and then add some exercise!
Urggg! This damn holiday, as wonderful as it was caused quite the gain. 2.5lbs! I need to figure out a way to get rid of this weight! Today I'm going to the market to get egg whites because those are great for losing weight quickly. 136.6 after the holiday!!!! oh and 12 days till the BBQ and then one more day with the fiancee on Wednesday!

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Managed to be successful.

I feel almost invincible-almost that is. I evaded food completely today! I'm on a 3 day fast that might just be longer then 3 days. 

Okay so here's the deal. I noticed that if I cut back on certain foods then my body does it's thing. I've been watching E.D. related films all day and they are so inspiring. I have had literately coffee, tea, and water all day cause of it. If I were to keep this up I might finally have my pre-college body back. I WILL have my pre-college back. The hunger pains are just fat leaving the body.

Here is my declaration:

Take me away, because I deserve to be free.

I deserve to be thin because there are so many fatties that aren't,

Because the ones I love the most don't believe I can.

I deserve to look like my inspiration, even if it's my best friend

Because even though no one says it; I am fat.

I deserve to be in control of what I put down my throat and how much,

Because average just isn't enough for me.

I deserve the to starve myself, take laxatives, and purge,

Because in the end it doesn't really matter.

I deserve to be weightless like a feather,

Because 93lbs is 15% under 

I deserve control

93 pounds.

My current weight is 137.4 and I checked it 3 times.

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning