Not sure what I'm doing-should probably figure that out.

Lately it's all been a blur of work, shopping, decorating and eating! I don't know which I hate more, myself for gaining weight or myself for loosing control of my weight. I can't say that I don't like eating because I do,but lately it's been all I think about. I hate the winter because it limits what little running I already do. I have comfortably grown numb to what passes my lips and that is scary. I think that this holiday and really any holiday brings up emotions that I try to hide at all costs.
I can't get the recent events out of my head that took place in Connecticut.There will be little girls and little boys not opening gifts, there won't be laughter and hugs from their parents, and their won't be birthdays, graduations, or weddings to be celebrated. There lives were taken and this holiday season a nation will grieve. I hope that we all hold each other a little tighter and remember that we are not even guaranteed the day; it's not the presents that matter it's the lives that however short or long we touch that should mean the world to us.

To all who do read my blog..Have a Holiday!

Just outright ignorance

It is not a crime to not know or assume that all eating disorders are not the same. It is however a misjudgement to assume that all eating disorders are followed by a stereotypical set of symptoms. I do not believe that all eating disorders can be looked at in a stereotypical way without making the illnesses and the ones it encompasses; anorexia, bulimia, BED, etc seem unlike what they are. It hurts deeply to hear those closest make the biggest mistakes when it comes to all these mental illnesses. I for example am not starving because I want to make those closest to me miserable, nor am I sticking my finger down my through for the joy of it to throw up what I can not control. It's hideous what society has made others believe about these illnesses. Eating disorders are diseases that not only to a hold of a person, but becomes part of an individuals identity. There a mountainous climb up and a slippery slope down.

It's a tumultuous phrase, "I have an eating disorder." A whispered phrase for those struggling with a disease that does kill. So what does it mean to me? I couldn't tell you a straight answer if I tried. I will give you the best answer I can and it is this. It is absolutely terrifying. Not many of my close friends know. Not many of my family members know. I am extremely degrading on myself, I often feel like crying and if I could let myself not be frighted of some of the possibilities of  asking the right questions in an attempt to get help I would. With that said on the flip side I don't want to stop-I want to know what feeling thin is like again. I want to wear those thin clothes I have, those size 3 jeans. I'll do anything I have to do loose those 20lbs-even if it means 1 meal a day 600 calories tops.

<3 br="br" quietlilcontradiction="quietlilcontradiction">

Triggered

It happened earlier in the week and caught me by surprise. I had made several things at work and just couldn't finish what i made. I've been doing a lot of "wasting" a lot lately. I even talked about a lot things I've kept to myself for quite some time with a co-worker. The trigger is something unusual-a t.v. show. I'm back to post thanksgiving weight. I have the day of again today and I'm going to try and both eat as little as possible and drink a ton of tea.....my goal is to see ribs again.

Had the biggest scare of my life last night and I don't know what to really think. I left the site prettythin up before I left for work and forgot the bf had the day off. Pretty sure he saw it but didn't say anything about it. I bought a dark chocolate bar and binged on it....ended up with probably a little over 1,000 cals for the day. Going to lesson it to 800 or less today and try and either purge or go for a walk on 1 meal. I can do it-I've just been extremely weak as a person.

Still taking an excess of vitamins....and unable to will myself off-...i know it's wreakless, dangerous...but the best way I have to cope with what I feel.

Feeling tired and a bit resigned to the fact I'm fat.

It's pretty close to winter here in New England. I usually don't like the weather or this time of year. It's a time where I am  stuck inside and have to find something to do. I get board and if i can't find something to do I eat for no good reason really. I haven't purged in about a week, but have been feeling odd. I think I'm coming down with a cold because I've been congested a lot lately. I weighed myself and I'm up to 139. I don't know how this is happening! If I eat less I weigh more. I can't seem to control myself and feel as if I might resort to the only thing that did keep my weight in check. I'm at a wits end and I'm tired of living in a fat suit. It's not pretty and I'm not happy. ....so I just weighed myself 137.6..still too high!

All that matters

Tonight has been a good night for the most part. I got out of work at 8 and have been online for a while now. I ate a lot today but have resisted eating junk thus far. I really want this badly. I want to lose enough weight for myself to feel good. I honestly feel that if that ends up being close to a dangerously low weight then it's up to me. In a lot of ways I have always felt like I do things to please a lot of other people and I am the last person I please. I like to keep others happy and avoid any conflict. I'm hoping that the weather is good because I would like to run for a little bit. I need to run a lot of things out. The holidays are a hard time for me since I lost my brother and I wish that I could avoid them all together-but that's not what he'd want.
Tomorrow I do not work but I think the bf will be home so I'm hoping that I can control myself better then I can at work. I'm beginning to think that the key to eating less is first eating something healthy then if I'm hungry again drinking some water. I have been wanting a pumpkin muffin for days now and have yet to eat it, because it just leads to more and more munching. Something that I promised myself after leaving McDicks I wouldn't do. I was under so much stress there and I don't know how I made it through some days. I made it through though.

...don't know how much I weigh....not sure I want to know either. (138)!!!!!!!! Fuck me.
Could it be due to the strength training I've been doing?

All by myself and still none-the-better.

Over the last week I have essentially fluctuated 4lbs. It is both stressing me out and making me want to just return to what I was doing and that was essentially nothing. I've been doing lunges, hip raisers, and fire hydrant leg lifts as well has switching my walk and run days. I have struggled with night binges and haven't purged since the beginning of the week. I feel like my legs are getting worked but my intake has increased instead of decreased like I would have liked it too. Apparently exercising is a big deal according to my bf and he doesn't seem to like it. I like exercising because it makes me feel better but do wish that I was in better shape. I hate my body and the way I look. I'm obsessed with ebay and spending money. I know that short of losing a limb or starving for long periods of time that I'm not going to just drop 20lbs but I do feel discouraged. I ate a couple of things I regret now but I guess that's how it goes.

Comming days

The next two days will be interesting, they're days I dread simply because I HAVE to hide how I feel about food etc. They are days where I simply have to eat A LOT.




2 tea
3 water
1 Peanut butter cup                 88 
1 Greek yogurt                       110
1.5 rice, broccoli, and cheese 225
4 sandies                                 320
Multi-grain wheat thins          140
Ran for 15 min.  175.51 (burned calories)

707.49
Current Weight: 134.6

It's been awhile...

It's been really too long. I find myself writing about what feels like a demise only waiting to happen. I have gotten in the habit of binging and purging because I can't control myself. I hate what I'm becoming and in my eyes it's a blob. I feel like a giant mass of fat and the farthest I've felt from loving myself in a long time. I won't step on the scale because I can tell just by looking at myself my weight has gone up. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me or if I just am really a fat blob.
I wish that losing weight was easy and the simple truth is that it isn't. I know what it's like to be terrified of gaining weight and yet through the binging and purging nothing has changed. I feel trapped in a box, and getting out of the box is only possible with a key. The key doesn't belong to me it belongs to something not controlled by me. I want to stop eating all together sometimes, but then I wonder what purpose would that serve and who would I be hurting other then myself. After all the only person who saw anything remotely wrong wouldn't see me suffer. I'm draw back to reality though and reality is far less dramatic. If I want to lose weight it's not up to who loves me to tell me what the right number is. If I believe the the right number is 95 then as long as I'm not dying it's an alright number. I remember how in the summer I felt at 128-the number for one day dropped to 126 and then went to 131. It was exhilarating to know I controlled the number.
If I were completely honest I would add that when I say binging and purging I mean purging once a day and if at all possible at least 5 days a week if I have enough vitamins. I now can't get my weight anything below 136 and if I'm lucky 134. I need to not eat junk food and think about what I'm drinking at work.

My other wish some might find truly shocking but I wish I had a weight loss buddy to correspond with on a regular basis. I don't have anyone to compare notes with or to exchange photos with. It's crossed my mind that the internet is a giant place and it's likely that I could find a buddy but just haven't tried hard enough too. I want to go on a 800 calorie diet with at least 10 min of running 20 min of walking. The winter is coming though and my goal of 110 by Dec 1st is a useless one unless I either find a buddy who will truly help me out or I make a promise to myself-whatever the cost.

<3 alwaysbeginningneverending, quietlilcontradiction

Rum and Diet Pepsi

It has been a long time since I've had a drink. I used to drink quiet often, every weekend but that got old after a while. It allowed me to release a lot of tension. I wish that lately I didn't feel like crying. I have this ache that just isn't going away and I think that a lot of it has to do with what I did right after my brother passed away. I shut down. I still feel guilty, I still feel lonely, and I still feel empty. 

I wanted to believe that a miracle was possible, and yet I felt like there wasn't ever going to be one. I firmly believe that if someone believes there is hope that anything is possible though. I find parallels with what I'm dealing with. I still believe that there is hope for me that I can get better, it's a matter of being determined to get better-right now is not the time for me. 

I'm hung up on this and it's not going to stop being this way until I can fully comprehend how I feel. When I'm in the the binge-purge cycle I don't think about it all and that's what's nice about it. It is one of the crappiest coping mechanisms ever and I would never recommend anyone try and purge. 

On another note who like the Vampire Diaries? I <3 them and can't wait until the October 11 premier. In celebration of it here is some Vampire Diary thinspo with Nina Dobrev who plays the lead female role! and her co stars!

"All you have to do is not eat"

I swear it's all I've heard in my head for the past two days. If I listen to this voice I know how things will turn out. I feel as if the clock is ticking and time is running out. I've tried to loose weight in the past and it's not worked out. For whatever reason though now I feel as if it might work. I have promised myself that by the end of this month I would loose 10 pounds and if I don't there will be consequences. I also though have been feeling more drawn to cutting. Am I loosing my mind?
I might be.

I think that tomorrow I'll start drinking copious amounts of tea, and try and eat as little as possible. I work in a deli and while making sandwiches normally don't make me hungry the fried food does.
Fuck....two small tomatoes, a slice of cheese and probably 30-40 cheeze its later here I am.
So I work in 7 hrs! My first time on register and all that goes with it....asking for id's, bad attitudes, and a possible slip up. I think that instead of getting stuff at the place I work I'm going to bring them. So my goal is nothing fried tomorrow. I'm going to bring two small tomatoes, possibly a half sandwich and half the size of cheeze its as something salty, along with a big bottle of water, a smaller bottle of water and some drink mix. That will be my morning/breakfast intake. I'll probably drink some coffee throughout the day too...the bf will be home some I'll have to stall on dinner and snacks. So my mauntra for this month is....

All you have to do is not eat.

and

I know you can handle what comes

with it, headaches etc., You've done

it before.

My ed working against me....this is what I faintly hear and it's upsetting:

Yeah you, you selfish, immature, bloated, fat pig-those cheeze its you ate earlier they are going to straight to your ass. You know what you have to do to work that off don't you? Get up off your ass and do something about it. If you keep eating at the rate you are your just going to fail like all the other times you've said you weren't. If you really want it, to loose that fat you look at when you wake up in the morning your going to have to start restricting, lying, and all together it will pay off. That ache in your stomach that's what you get for gorging your self. 

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining, now....quietlilcontradiction or quietlilier on PT.  

Reality truly sucks

I have been M.I.A because I didn't have anything to complain about or share in the past couple of weeks. I am back tonight however because I think it's important I clear a few things up with how i am. It's easy to recognize when someone else has a problem, but not so easy to recognize when you do. I don't know what to call my problem or who to go to about it, because I don't want anyone else to know about it. Whether you want someone to know about it or not they know. I've been talking to a dear friend about what I have started calling a problem. 

I am addicted to weight loss/ metabolism boosting vitamins. I use them nearly everyday to purge what I can. Taken in large doses they cause numerous effects. They induce vomiting, they cause headaches, and they cause inflammation. None of these side effects are glamorous or beneficial. I can go about a month without them, but this leads to debilitating headaches and an eventual need for more to get the same effect. I'm ashamed that I purge, but not ashamed enough to stop. Most of this takes place in private and for good reason.

At this point I don't want to stop. I have days were it seems like the right thing to do for my body-but today is something I needed. I've been feeling like I just want to cry. I have a guy friend that I've let know what's going on, but also have a bf whom I'm engaged to that doesn't know the half of it. If this guy friend decides to tell my bf then all hell's going to break loose. How can two people live together and live so far apart. 

I guess I'm going to complain now. Last night the bf seemed genuinely bothered by the fact that the employees he is in charge of suck. He then went on to say that he hates his job and that he wants another one. I was all ears but didn't have much to say about it. I insisted on telling him how he makes me feel when I tell him how much I hate mine. He went on to inform me that because of me telling him how I felt he felt like I wasn't listening.

I have developed a problem that leaves no tell tale signs. I can clean up the vomit and I can muffle the noise it creates. I can cope with what people say and what they don't say through this release. The only person who could make me stop destroying myself is gone. I am left with a miasma of guilt that dissipates with each swallowed pill. I only ask for those closest to listen to me and not force the inevitable on me (This is for you Z).

I wonder how many times I'm going to write about this until something changes. I don't like to hurt people, though it's something I'm pretty good at. I fear that my bf sister might actually have an ED and one that is specified. She's been loosing a lot of weight-and instead of wishing her well I secretly am jealous of the control she has. I don't have any-how sick is that. 

Honestly the reality of it is-what it is I am doing to myself is completely in my hands. I fear that if I told a doctor, a psychologist they would just laugh me out of the office. I am 132lbs my bf sister is about the same height and 105-underweight. She's more believable then me. 

Why Can't I?

I am beginning to be resumed to the idea I have little to no will power. The importance of will power come in handy when one is trying to lose weight. I have tried to keep realistic goals and have yet again failed. At work, food is everywhere and it's in all forms. It is like a personified object-the candy bars, the little Debbie snacks, the fried fat, everything calls out eat me! I want to so desperately get out of this binge-purge cycle-but I can't. It is what I can count on at the end of every meal, at the end of the day and when I feel at my lowest. I live on feeling "ill". Feeling ill is the feeling I get when I feel as if I'm going to purge. I feel light headed, almost high, my skin gets shallow, and flushed, my eyes get puffy etc. I've been battling with myself back and forth now for a couple of days....is this Bulimia? I don't purge every day-maybe 4 days a week. I've maintained a weight well within the normal range etc.
I am revolted by the current sight of myself and I feel so close to cutting again it's not funny. I still feel lonely and wish that my brother were here. I feel guilty for a lot of things still and I can't stop beating myself up about them. I feel as if I'm wearing a fat suit and I wish I could just unzip it and walk out 20 plus pounds lighter.

Today was pretty bad food wise. Animal crackers, Twizzlers, a bagel with light cream cheese, some Greek yogurt, a cheese burger, some french fries, an apple, another apple, some more Greek yogurt, a couple Twizzlers and 3 powder donuts and some pretzels.
I want to lose weight more then anything in this world right now and at the rate I'm going I'll do anything-which includes but isn't limited to laxatives, diet pills etc.

Hope ya'all are doing better then me....<3Alwaysbeginningneverending/quietLiLier/quietLiLcontradiction.

August! A new month, a new chance.

I've been slacking on posts because I want my blog to stay private-and the bf is very disagreeable when it comes to me losing weight. I've been trying to eat healthy, and stay away from not so healthy choices. I am back down to 131. I'm getting back into exercise after about a week  rest. I had been closer to 135 (eww)! The other problem I've had lately is I don't have a stable internet connection-Sorry! If it worked better I'd be posting a lot of thinspo. Hopefully soon.

So today I've had lasagna (500 calories), grated cheese (20),  2 green teas (200), 14 carrots (70)....
One of my goals today is to drink at least for glasses of water. 

I got the job! I'm so thrilled-I get to buy more vitamins :) It's at a gas station, so we'll see how it pans out.

Been Thinking...Day 7

Today is day 7! I'm embarrassed to write down what I've eaten, but what the hell right? So my intake consisted of 2-3 yogurt granola bars, one regular one, Doritos, a piece of bread, and oatmeal. I didn't feel good this morning-woke with the worst stomach feeling. I felt completely and utterly empty. I had some green tea, some diet green tea, and ginger ale. I didn't go out and walk just worked cleaning the house.  I weigh....an outrageous number to me, but really is average. I finally got an interview. I'd be working at a gas station/deli if I got hired. Cross fingers hope I do.

I'm tired and yes still hungry-but I'll manage to deal. My goal for tomorrow is to drink more water!

Day 6-the sugar conspiracy!

So the past two days I've had limitless amounts of food and not so much exercise. I feel like a blimp! I binged and binged and didn't purge. The bf was around and I couldn't risk it. I finally had a sliver of good news on the job front and have an interview in the morning. I was down to 128.6 and now I'm back at 133.8 +! Once I do get a job and get payed I'm going to get some more vitamins and possibly do a cleanse. For now though.... here goes


Intake: 2 vanilla yogurt granola bars, 1 can Beefaroni, Doritos, and a mocha latte frap (Starbucks 100 cal) .

Exercise:

Current weight: (ashamed)

Day 3

I don't know what I'm going to exactly eat today. I know that my caloric intake should only reach 800 calories so I think that since there isn't much food in my apartment I might make something up. I wish that I had more of an urge to poo then to pee! Just saying-all this water is making it seem like I'm getting up all the time. I have to stay away from making something up though...if I don't know how many calories are in what I'm making up I'll only gain weight! 

REMINDER: Many have reached your goal, Many have failed to reach their goals which one are you going to be?

Intake: PLANNED FOR DAY. Benifiber (10) Oatmeal packet (160) 1 hotdog  (325) 1 ear of corn with 1tbsp butter (100), pretzel rods (60), Grilled chick strips (240), Ketchup (15),  2 pieces of bread (240), Peanut butter (250), Milk (55) and Mustard sauce.

Okay so here goes...I woke up with a headache drank, some benefiber, some ice water and kinda got up for the day.  I made the bf lunch as usual and had some too. I made corn on the cob and him chicken nuggets. I wasn't going to make anything and then I decided to make some grilled chicken strips for myself. I snuggled back into bed and woke up a couple hours later, and had a small serving of pretzel rods. I feel weak and tired ...don't really want to go for a walk but think it might help. Plus I could burn off 100 calories..well make that 204! So 1380 (10 calorie drink mix) -204 gives me 1011!!!!!  Oye vay-I literally lost control. Had 2 cups of camomile tea, and soon to be green tea.
Weight:128.6

Just an fyi for the next one to two days I will be a-wall. I will update as soon as I can:)
~Q

30 Day Challenge (Day 2)

Day Two-"I'm going to prove you wrong because I know I can lose weight and still be healthy." Intake: 1 green tea (0 calories) 1 large coffee (35 calories) PLANNED for DAY- 1 packet oatmeal (160 calories) 1 apple (77), 1 peach (61), 7 carrots (35), 1 medium tomato (35) and a pasta mix. ( Pea's, tuna, Miracle whip and pasta) 400-600 calories...

Exercise: 1 hour housework, 2.0 mile walk, 2.0 mile = 178+120+78=376.

Well it's a little after midnight almost one in the morning and I feel unsettled- I feel like a waste of space small lifer and like I am off little value.

.....well it's late and my previous post was accidentally deleted! I'll talk in the afternoon.
Weight: 128.8!

Okay so it's not the afternoon but around lunch. Man did I have a hard time falling asleep with an empty stomach. It took about two hours. I am tired but I'm also glad that my resolve seems to be getting stronger. It helps to see other people progress. Still no job, and getting very anxious. Something has to work out right? I should be getting s license soon and then I can do whatever I want. Freedom is nice-although it shouldn't come at the cost of my mental health. I must say that it amazes me any weight is coming off-2lbs exactly in one day! Ahhh-well I have to stay focused I guess, no late night munches..etc.

bb later tonight!

Got back from my run/walk. I had the last half of my meal. I really don't know how many calories were in the pasta, my guess is I had 300 plus calories. Ehh, I'm not gonna sweat it to much I guess. I added 1bsp of peanut butter to the apple (200). and I'm on my second cup of green tea. I want to eat the whole house....but it will have to wait until breakfast/lunch tomorrow!
Okay. So I'm human. I ended up eating more pasta salad stuff then I thought I would and had three and a half whole wheat, butter substitute cookies at about 10:30 p.m. It sucks I'm alone in this as my bf doesn't care about his weight-or being overweight. I also though in my defense had 4 large glasses of water after the four I previously had earlier in the day. For preventative measures I threw the rest of what I made out along with quite a few cookies. It wouldn't surprise me if I gained weight because of this-I might go for an early morning walk just so I can boost my chances. Hoping for 127.8....probably going to see 131 flat.

well night all-the next post will be coming very soon!
~Q

30-Day Challenge (Day 1)

Okay so you might be asking 30 days to what and what kind of challenge am I talking about. In 30 days I want to drop 15lbs. So I will begin with what each entry citing what I ate, how much exercise I did, the challenges of the day, my energy level and possibly some more stuff as the days progress.

Day One-The "I have had enough, have to get off my ass and do something about it because if I don't then I never will."

  Intake: 1 cup lactose free milk (110), Strawberry Hersey sauce (100), raw cookie dough (?) 1 cup of peas  salt and pepper-olive oil(180), 8 whole wheat, butter substitute, sugar cookies(640?),  Pasta mix (350)= 1380-488= 892 so far...4 large classes water.

   Exercise: 1 hour housework, 2.3 mile walk, 2.3 mile run= 488 burned.


Woke up with a headache. I usually eat well into the night and last night I had liquids instead of food. I don't know whether my headache was from dehydration, an actual need for food or if it is a withdrawal symptom as it stands I've been 5-6 days without vitamins. I'm feeling a little ill and just kind off tired. After I drank some green tea last night before the milk my stomach went sour.  After exercise we'll see...so the run was definitely tough on my stomach....but I made it16 whole minutes. So my total for the day is under 1000, and ends at 892 or if y'all like round numbers 900. Almost 100 over. 


Weight: 130.8
It's 7 minutes to 11 and I just have the urge to grab a bunch of crap eat it and then purge. I don't normally stop eating until right about now and the only way I've managed to gain a huge amount of weight is through exercise. I am worried that the only job I'll end up with is the one I mentioned (McDicks). It's looking more and more likely. I've had so far two teas and soon some coffee with 70 cals of creamer-@ midnight.  

Looking for a buddy-not for the many reasons why I shouldn't be

Last night I drove home with the bf in tow, crying as silently as I could. I wanted to explain to him badly the real reason why I didn't want to go back to work for McDonald's. I fear that if I am forced to go back that I am going to gain a large amount of weight. He doesn't know this and instead choose to lecture me for 10 minutes about how when someone is an adult they have to do things they don't want too. In an argument similar to the one last night I had argued that I payed my dues when it came to not doing things I didn't like. I fear that I may start cutting again because of the stress as well. To him non of this matters, just that we survive and if it means my mental health being effected so be it. I can't and wont work at a place where almost every girl has SI marks on there arms and writs. I didn't believe or know that people could be so cruel before working at McDonald's. I also fear that like most people my life have, if I worked at a McDonald's they wouldn't take seriously my hearing loss. I guess one could say that I'm very sensitive. 

What this post was originally going to about was the use of a buddy in the facilitation of self injurious behavior and how it effects those who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder and those who haven't been. I personally have not been diagnosed but from what I have gathered I am EDNOS with bulimic tendencies. Lately I've been feeling lonely and control-less. I have good days and bad days, some shadowed by what seems manic episodes that end in me feeling worse then when I started. I so desperately want to lose the 33lbs I have weighing me down and prove that I can be healthy and weigh 101 pounds. But everything that I've been doing doesn't seem to work. Stress is a powerful thing and right now I am stressed. If it's not asking to much I would like a BUDDY to at the very least compare notes with. I eat at most 1300 calories and at the least 500. I exercise, mostly running and walking. I want to know what it's like to feel my stomach grumble again, the headaches, the fizzy vision, it all is what I'm prepared for.

I don't need any hate from anyone-I know that my desire to be thin is heading in a direction that may or may not have a great outcome. Today is July 19, 2012 and It is the first day in which I will restrict/possibly fast. I'm tired of being fat and feeling contemptuous. 

Feel free to email me at bhschick06@hotmail.com if you want to join.

[QuietLiLier]

Coming Soon a Giant Thinspo post!

It's nearing the end of July and I have so much to still do. I still have weight to lose, a job to get, and bills to pay. The older I get the more complicated life gets. I can't wait until I do get a job because then I'll have money again. In the next day I'll post a lot of thinspo-it hopefully will encourage me and the 8 followers I have. Got to Go :) bbs.


QuietLiLier

Just the stillness

Almost all the lights in my apartment are on and not for any other reason then I'm alone tonight again.
I'm listening to music and just thinking about what the words mean to me.
I miss the days when I was sad but optimistic, now I'm hardened and cynical.
I love the Vampire Diaries and feel like a lot of the songs are relevant to how I feel.
I wish immortality was something attainable-tangible.
I wish that I could starve and live on nothing.

Yes-I'm alive.

I wish that I hadn't lost a part of me. I feel like the things I used to hide well were brought front and center when I lost my brother. It's a subject I'm left to contemplate on my own. I have a lot to think about-I hid well and exposure is the last thing I ever wanted. I think about the guilt I feel, the sadness, the anger, the pain-nothing that I ever could do to myself could ever change any of it. My brother was born to die and I was born to watch it happen. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I'm really alive-I feel dead. I am still talking the vitamins because at this point it's the only pain I feel. It really is sad when you can't say anything good about yourself-and that's where I'm at. I still have to come to terms, get a grip, whatever you want to call it a year later with it all. Death is never kind...

I exercised twice today because I had nothing else to really do. I still have to find a job. I made it down to 127 and am back to 132-oh the vicious cycle. What I'm hoping will work is exercising within reason twice a day. In the morning and at night. Likelyhood I'll wake up in the morning Nill-so my hw tonight is to look up way to get up early when your not a morning person. My first thought Coffee! Well ....the internet is scatter-brainy so ..Night all.

Challenge Day 1

Since I don't have to get up and go to work I've had a lot of free time. My free time is mostly spent sleeping and man do I sleep. When I wake up though I wake up quite hungry. Today's challenge was to not eat breakfast or lunch really. I can't say that I didn't eat lunch, but that's not a bad thing, after not getting that restful of sleep. 

 Lunch

I got up and made a salad. The salad was pretty good. I buy a salad mixture by a company called Olivia's. It's organic and the mixture I got has herbs in it. I added goat cheese, a tomato, cottage cheese and a small bit of Italian dressing.  I had some jelly beans and an ice cream bar. 

Dinner

For dinner I had a 6 piece nugget and a caramel apple sundae with a medium ice coffee. A not healthy official way to start of the 6 week plan-but non the less it's also memorial day weekend. 

Activity

That was followed by 30 min walking and 27 min running.  I walked and got my dinner and then got the newspaper as well before my run/walk.
Weight:
131.8; Goal I believe is 3.5-4lbs a week.  So by June 3rd I should weigh 128.3-127.8

"Think of me in the depths of your despair."

Sometimes all it takes is an image or an idea to trigger someone. Today I found an image that did just that. The image was of a young women that claimed she lost 21 pounds in 6 weeks. I want to loose approximately that much weight by the end of June. I know that it is possible to do this, however it's both tricky and could be/is unsafe. I estimated that in order for this to happen I'd have to lessen my cal intake to 800 and exercise at least  5 days a week. I feel like I could do this, but it's going to be A LOT OF WORK. If I start tomorrow 5/27/12 then 6 weeks from that would be July 1st. In that amount of time I will have moved and had been settled in. Since I won't have access to the internet for a bit-maybe I will by then I'm just going to start writing in a journal. Here is the picture I found.

-well i'm off to clean the apartment-I'm moving in three days! ~Q

Moving in 5 days so..

I don't know how long it will take to get the internet going again, but I'm assuming it will be a little while. So if ya don't hear from me that's why. I didn't purge for two days because the bf was home and felt disgustingly bloated and SO full. He eats so much and I can't ever control myself when I'm around him because I don't want to answer any questions. I'm moving and it's been extremely stressful. Tonight I think I had one of the biggest, grossest binges ever. It felt good to get it out. I have a huge blister on the back of my foot and tried to run today and couldn't do it. So I think that's what lead to my binge. I weigh 135-epic fail. Fuck-I was so close. I'm going to just start throwing shit away. I feel like crying-5 days and my life is going to change. I'm going to be alone again and probably starve-hopefully starve myself back to 130. I just wanted to run today-that was it, and I couldn't take the pain.
Well hopefully I lose 5lbs in the next 5 days. Since it's nearly 2 in the morning I'm going to go to bed. Had a long day and am fairly tired. <3 ~Q

~P

I am s-i-c-k. I wonder how long it's going to take for others to realize this (family-friends-etc). I p-u-r-g-e-d and felt shitty for a bit-but guess what I'm going to do it again. How did it get this bad? It's one of the only things I can control. I've also been running a lot. Today's weight was 130. 4 after my run. The bf has two days off so it will probably go up to about 133. Fuck. I'm tired. ~Q

A 255 cal Binge

I couldn't help it really. I hadn't eaten since I had come back from my workout the night before and what I was tasting wasn't so sweet. I ate healthy; 50 cals of yogurt, 140 cal English muffin, and 65 cals of blueberry jam. I wish that I could stop this though, binging after midnight. I weigh 132 and it makes me feel rather frustrated. I can't control myself-I can't just not eat like I used to. I suppose if I really did try i could-but with my current workouts and running it wouldn't be wise. I'm going to make some camomile tea in a little bit and weigh myself in the morning to see if i lost anything.
I had run out and get more vitamins today. I can't purge without them-sadly. If one were to ask me to stop I don't think I could at this point. When I miss a day I get a severe headache. I know I'm addicted and I wish that there was someone out there doing the same thing so I could relate to them. I don't think that anyone understands how it feels. I feel disgusting, I feel ugly I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I need to find some inner peace. I don't want to feel restless anymore. I still have feelings of guilt and they've only been shallowly buried. I want feel free, both spiritually and mindfully. I bear so much, see so much, hear so much-but I don't say much. I love the movie speak because I can relate to it well. I haven't told my best friend or my mother the true extent of my EDNOS. I have just let them go on believing that I'm fine and that because I've always been strong I'll continue to be.
~QuietLiLier

129.6

How is this even possible? Hours of exercise, and pure determination. Today I walked and ran a little ways all after I took the vitamins I'm supposed to be cutting back on. It didn't look good in the beginning as I almost threw up in the bushes but didn't. I'm honestly surprised at what my body seems to be doing-I only lost 2-3lbs while in school and now it seems to be falling off.  Six pounds down 4 to go. My goal by the end of this month was more, but reality set in and I realized 20 pounds is a bit unrealistic.
Tomorrow makes me a bit nervous; I'm going to the big city. And in the big city me and J eat a lot-mostly JUNK and he wants to see the Avengers again. I think if I'm not too tired I might run for 30 min before we go in the morning. I want this weight to keep coming off and I'm afraid that if I stop I'm going to gain it all back. I am easily influenced by food which sucks-I really hope I can control myself.

It's hard to tell where the six pounds were lost. It's "that time of the month" so I don't know if I am holding in water weight or what. If I am then I might just be a little thinner. I just bought some clothes recently because some of the clothes that I have are getting loose. I'm super picky when it comes to what I will and will not wear. I don't like showing a lot of skin and usually not very bright colors-but I'm beginning to change. One of the best "thin-inspiration" ideas is to buy something you really like in a size smaller then the one you fit in. I have a couple of things like this-one piece I bought nearly two summers ago on a whim. It's a short sleeve super tight white gathered at the sleeves shirt. I don't wear it very often because it shows every bulge, imperfection on my body.

I think that I'm really aiming for a flatter stomach and just a more defined hourglass figure. I don't want curves-right now I'm as curvy as curvy can get. I'm 5'3" and weigh 129 ish pounds. I once weighed 113 pounds. I know that in order to get back there I have to make healthier choices and be active again. I hate right now that I can pinch about an of fat on the insides of my legs. I ask myself how did this happen? It happened because I got comfortable with the way I was. Well to that I say change is a beautiful thing.

My goal for tomorrow is to think healthy-One of two things is likely to happen or both. We're going to stop at McDonald's and were going to eat something at the movie theater. Both are high calorie disaster spots. I have to be up early in the morning to look at an apartment so it's important that I get a good high-fiber breakfast. I think at the moment (100) cals worth of cheerios, (140-160) cals of a plain English muffin, and a banana and then a run will be a good start to the day. A large coffee could be a possibility with skim milk instead of cream.

For some encouragement I feel like adding Thinspo tonight so here goes:

I like this one because she looks like she's running fairly fast. I wish that I were as tall and looked as lean-but it takes work, so let the work begin.

I think that in comparison to me, we would be pretty similar. I have the same problem areas. My legs and stomach are the areas that acre the most fat. My goal is to essentially look like this or thinner.

She's one of my favorite actresses. I think she so pretty. 

I love the colors. I know that bright colors-mostly neon's for me anyway are a big no-no but this is gorgeous.

Love ya'all. QuietLiLier