Yes-I'm alive.

I wish that I hadn't lost a part of me. I feel like the things I used to hide well were brought front and center when I lost my brother. It's a subject I'm left to contemplate on my own. I have a lot to think about-I hid well and exposure is the last thing I ever wanted. I think about the guilt I feel, the sadness, the anger, the pain-nothing that I ever could do to myself could ever change any of it. My brother was born to die and I was born to watch it happen. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I'm really alive-I feel dead. I am still talking the vitamins because at this point it's the only pain I feel. It really is sad when you can't say anything good about yourself-and that's where I'm at. I still have to come to terms, get a grip, whatever you want to call it a year later with it all. Death is never kind...

I exercised twice today because I had nothing else to really do. I still have to find a job. I made it down to 127 and am back to 132-oh the vicious cycle. What I'm hoping will work is exercising within reason twice a day. In the morning and at night. Likelyhood I'll wake up in the morning Nill-so my hw tonight is to look up way to get up early when your not a morning person. My first thought Coffee! Well ....the internet is scatter-brainy so ..Night all.