It's been really too long. I find myself writing about what feels like a demise only waiting to happen. I have gotten in the habit of binging and purging because I can't control myself. I hate what I'm becoming and in my eyes it's a blob. I feel like a giant mass of fat and the farthest I've felt from loving myself in a long time. I won't step on the scale because I can tell just by looking at myself my weight has gone up. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me or if I just am really a fat blob.
I wish that losing weight was easy and the simple truth is that it isn't. I know what it's like to be terrified of gaining weight and yet through the binging and purging nothing has changed. I feel trapped in a box, and getting out of the box is only possible with a key. The key doesn't belong to me it belongs to something not controlled by me. I want to stop eating all together sometimes, but then I wonder what purpose would that serve and who would I be hurting other then myself. After all the only person who saw anything remotely wrong wouldn't see me suffer. I'm draw back to reality though and reality is far less dramatic. If I want to lose weight it's not up to who loves me to tell me what the right number is. If I believe the the right number is 95 then as long as I'm not dying it's an alright number. I remember how in the summer I felt at 128-the number for one day dropped to 126 and then went to 131. It was exhilarating to know I controlled the number.
If I were completely honest I would add that when I say binging and purging I mean purging once a day and if at all possible at least 5 days a week if I have enough vitamins. I now can't get my weight anything below 136 and if I'm lucky 134. I need to not eat junk food and think about what I'm drinking at work.
My other wish some might find truly shocking but I wish I had a weight loss buddy to correspond with on a regular basis. I don't have anyone to compare notes with or to exchange photos with. It's crossed my mind that the internet is a giant place and it's likely that I could find a buddy but just haven't tried hard enough too. I want to go on a 800 calorie diet with at least 10 min of running 20 min of walking. The winter is coming though and my goal of 110 by Dec 1st is a useless one unless I either find a buddy who will truly help me out or I make a promise to myself-whatever the cost.
<3 alwaysbeginningneverending, quietlilcontradiction
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