I have been M.I.A because I didn't have anything to complain about or share in the past couple of weeks. I am back tonight however because I think it's important I clear a few things up with how i am. It's easy to recognize when someone else has a problem, but not so easy to recognize when you do. I don't know what to call my problem or who to go to about it, because I don't want anyone else to know about it. Whether you want someone to know about it or not they know. I've been talking to a dear friend about what I have started calling a problem.
I am addicted to weight loss/ metabolism boosting vitamins. I use them nearly everyday to purge what I can. Taken in large doses they cause numerous effects. They induce vomiting, they cause headaches, and they cause inflammation. None of these side effects are glamorous or beneficial. I can go about a month without them, but this leads to debilitating headaches and an eventual need for more to get the same effect. I'm ashamed that I purge, but not ashamed enough to stop. Most of this takes place in private and for good reason.
At this point I don't want to stop. I have days were it seems like the right thing to do for my body-but today is something I needed. I've been feeling like I just want to cry. I have a guy friend that I've let know what's going on, but also have a bf whom I'm engaged to that doesn't know the half of it. If this guy friend decides to tell my bf then all hell's going to break loose. How can two people live together and live so far apart.
I guess I'm going to complain now. Last night the bf seemed genuinely bothered by the fact that the employees he is in charge of suck. He then went on to say that he hates his job and that he wants another one. I was all ears but didn't have much to say about it. I insisted on telling him how he makes me feel when I tell him how much I hate mine. He went on to inform me that because of me telling him how I felt he felt like I wasn't listening.
I have developed a problem that leaves no tell tale signs. I can clean up the vomit and I can muffle the noise it creates. I can cope with what people say and what they don't say through this release. The only person who could make me stop destroying myself is gone. I am left with a miasma of guilt that dissipates with each swallowed pill. I only ask for those closest to listen to me and not force the inevitable on me (This is for you Z).
I wonder how many times I'm going to write about this until something changes. I don't like to hurt people, though it's something I'm pretty good at. I fear that my bf sister might actually have an ED and one that is specified. She's been loosing a lot of weight-and instead of wishing her well I secretly am jealous of the control she has. I don't have any-how sick is that.
Honestly the reality of it is-what it is I am doing to myself is completely in my hands. I fear that if I told a doctor, a psychologist they would just laugh me out of the office. I am 132lbs my bf sister is about the same height and 105-underweight. She's more believable then me.
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