I couldn't help it really. I hadn't eaten since I had come back from my workout the night before and what I was tasting wasn't so sweet. I ate healthy; 50 cals of yogurt, 140 cal English muffin, and 65 cals of blueberry jam. I wish that I could stop this though, binging after midnight. I weigh 132 and it makes me feel rather frustrated. I can't control myself-I can't just not eat like I used to. I suppose if I really did try i could-but with my current workouts and running it wouldn't be wise. I'm going to make some camomile tea in a little bit and weigh myself in the morning to see if i lost anything.
I had run out and get more vitamins today. I can't purge without them-sadly. If one were to ask me to stop I don't think I could at this point. When I miss a day I get a severe headache. I know I'm addicted and I wish that there was someone out there doing the same thing so I could relate to them. I don't think that anyone understands how it feels. I feel disgusting, I feel ugly I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I need to find some inner peace. I don't want to feel restless anymore. I still have feelings of guilt and they've only been shallowly buried. I want feel free, both spiritually and mindfully. I bear so much, see so much, hear so much-but I don't say much. I love the movie speak because I can relate to it well. I haven't told my best friend or my mother the true extent of my EDNOS. I have just let them go on believing that I'm fine and that because I've always been strong I'll continue to be.
~QuietLiLier
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