Looking for a buddy-not for the many reasons why I shouldn't be

Last night I drove home with the bf in tow, crying as silently as I could. I wanted to explain to him badly the real reason why I didn't want to go back to work for McDonald's. I fear that if I am forced to go back that I am going to gain a large amount of weight. He doesn't know this and instead choose to lecture me for 10 minutes about how when someone is an adult they have to do things they don't want too. In an argument similar to the one last night I had argued that I payed my dues when it came to not doing things I didn't like. I fear that I may start cutting again because of the stress as well. To him non of this matters, just that we survive and if it means my mental health being effected so be it. I can't and wont work at a place where almost every girl has SI marks on there arms and writs. I didn't believe or know that people could be so cruel before working at McDonald's. I also fear that like most people my life have, if I worked at a McDonald's they wouldn't take seriously my hearing loss. I guess one could say that I'm very sensitive. 

What this post was originally going to about was the use of a buddy in the facilitation of self injurious behavior and how it effects those who have been clinically diagnosed with an eating disorder and those who haven't been. I personally have not been diagnosed but from what I have gathered I am EDNOS with bulimic tendencies. Lately I've been feeling lonely and control-less. I have good days and bad days, some shadowed by what seems manic episodes that end in me feeling worse then when I started. I so desperately want to lose the 33lbs I have weighing me down and prove that I can be healthy and weigh 101 pounds. But everything that I've been doing doesn't seem to work. Stress is a powerful thing and right now I am stressed. If it's not asking to much I would like a BUDDY to at the very least compare notes with. I eat at most 1300 calories and at the least 500. I exercise, mostly running and walking. I want to know what it's like to feel my stomach grumble again, the headaches, the fizzy vision, it all is what I'm prepared for.

I don't need any hate from anyone-I know that my desire to be thin is heading in a direction that may or may not have a great outcome. Today is July 19, 2012 and It is the first day in which I will restrict/possibly fast. I'm tired of being fat and feeling contemptuous. 

Feel free to email me at bhschick06@hotmail.com if you want to join.

[QuietLiLier]