Low

It's so hard to pretend that everything's okay all of the time. I got some disheartening news recently and the only way I continue to bear it is by writing. I have years worth of suffering bottled up inside and it's been  consuming me lately. I want to die because of it sometimes and I want my loved ones to know that they should never feel as alone as I do at times.  I wish there was a way that I could convey that; at the moment the only way I can is through meticulous articulation of words.

Sometimes I have so much to write and other times I can hardly write. It feels like the weight of the world is getting heavier and I have two choices: To run from the pain or to keep being strong. Both choices suck.

I had a conversation with my significant other (SO) the other night that got me thinking- My SO asked me "What is the difference between a distraction and laziness". It was clear that the definition of both words were the same and that I clearly think say house work is more important then schoolwork. What my SO doesn't get is that numbing pain can be done is several ways; through avoidance, through self infliction, and through whatever means a person deems necessary. My major is Psychology and it is stressful-housework is a way for me to get away from A. the stress B. the emotions I cant avoid.

I can't avoid the following feelings; ANGER, HATE, RAGE, JEALOUSLY, GUILT, SADNESS, DISAPPOINTMENT, HURT, RESENTMENT, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, EMPTINESS, REJECTION. The feeling that feels the worst is GUILT, for feeling JEALOUS.

I'm going to end this post with a few hopeful things because even though I feel like it's hard to pretend everything's alright all of the time-I do my best to at least try.

Here's a video by Lady Antebellum. It's entitled Never Alone.

Here is a quote from the book entitled Messenger: The Legacy of Mattie J. T. Stepanek and Heartsongs

I need a hope...a new hope.

A hope that reaches for the stars....

A hope that inspires me to live, and

To make all these things happen, 

So that the whole world can have

A new hope too.

Here another video that I can relate too. It's entitled Under My Skin

and Here is one last video who's lyrics have become quite familiar to me

 

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