It's always at midnight [Dammit]

I am not proud to say that when I make food for other people that I can just not eat it. Last night around 10:30 I started making Shepards Pie. The whole process takes about an hour, and then the whole things put into the oven for 20 min. I made it and just pigged out on the potatoe part of it, and then had a hudge peice of it. I made it to 11 I think and I just ate- I'd been really good for the whole day- God I shouldn't be eating anything at all-I'm not exercising, so I dont NEED food, let alonge DESERVE it. So tonight an hour before fucking midnight I ate cantelope, potatoes, and shepards pie [meat, corn, potatoes].

It's not 3 am yet, but it's going to be-my fiance has the day off today and it's going to be a real test of wills and silent power. I'm supposed to go to the movies have some junk of sort and pretend the oblivian I always feel like I'm in lately is passed.

Honestly Monday morning I have to talk to a councilor- I don't even know what to say now-I let slip that I almost commited suicide. It's really complicated, but when someone who's supposed to love you says something so terrible that you can't take-death does feel better then hate. The concilor thinks I might be depressed-dah I could have told you that-but I can't let on that there are specific reasons why [Ana] wise...I know the rules for when someone legally has to be commited. I don't want to put my family or fiance through that.
I am dedicated to currently 121 [my weight is 139 currently] No idea what it'll be when I get back later tonight. I have to skip lunch-and think of ways to say I'm not hungry in less obvious ways.

There are days where I want to be sick, and I'm going to stick it to the very people that didnt think I was sick when I was [hopefully that makes sense]. And others that stop and think about what it would do/does to people. I am strong enough. I am brave enough, and I will SURVIVE. 

This is someone whom I belive is beautifully restless.

Hillary duff

is

Inspritation!