Inside A Restless Soul: Frustrated

So I haven't been on in two days I believe? I've had what I would consider a bad start to the week for many reasons, but the two main reasons are: I feel week and ultimately hiding this from friends has been challanging. I have a lot of stressful events going on school wise, and I seriously almost lost it the other day; on Monday.

I know what my ultimate goal is, and it's to reach 113lbs. I'd like to attain it in 2 months.

I feel as if my quote on quote pain is nothing compared to the suffering of my brother. My brother whom I've not mentioned until now has a terminal illness. When I think about eating-I feel guilty. In 2006 or 2005 I had widdled myself down from the 130's to 113;during this process my brother noticed while, my mother was oblivious.He was the only one in my family that caught on.

But I digress. I'm a bonified avoider, with things that scare me or cause me discomfort. When someone you love is dieing and you can't stop it, it tears you up inside. People deal with it differently, and I honestly believe that this is the only way I can deal with it at the moment-by just putting my fork down-and taking a truely introspective look at where my life is, what my life is going to be, and how I'm going to live it.

I digress yet again, today I had 820 calories. A pretty bad day on the grading scale. Okay so I have a story from earlier today. I'm part of a track club and prior to the track club actually running there's a little time to talk and chit chat about the day. Well first there's quite a few guys on the club, but I don't know all of them. One of them is taking a nutrition class-and he had mentioned the athlete triad. While some how the word amenorria ended up in the conversation, and aparently none of the other girls knew what it meant. I-the "smart" one knew what it was an was like-it's a cesation of the menstral cycle or the disruption of one. After I answered it, I wished I hadn't.....This person has seen my scars from self harming-and I again the "smart" one when he asked if I had, had surgery said no. I hope he's not on to me.....

I always try to post a picture of someone whom I think is beautifully restless at the end with the exception of my poem like writing, so here are some.