Been Awhile

It's been something like a week I think maybe more since I've written. I've been busy-though not as busy as I probably should have been. School is over tomorrow and then vacation begins. A lot has happened and a lot of it is attributed to me overdosing on my vitamins. For about two weeks I took 3 a day and I essentially paid for it with varying side effects. I can sum it up in on word. It felt like I was high. I didn't care about what was happening to me, nor did I care that everything that should have mattered was slipping away. I don't know if it was a result of taking nearly 42 vitamins in 2 weeks or not but I also ended up with a severe cold. I have had debilitating sinus pain for nearly a week now and this morning my ear felt like something was stuck in it. My cold has taken my voice and left me congested. I literally feel like shit. I went from 134 to 130 in a week.

Yesterday was a year to the day my brother passed away. It was a gorgeous day, just like the day he passed away. I carry him everywhere with me because that's all I really can do.  I remember a year ago that I let out a whale of a cry and fell to the floor. I closed the curtains in my bedroom because I didn't want to see the sun. It was not a bright day, but ironically it was.  I wanted to hit the floor running-because my biggest fear had come true; I wasn't there when he died and looking back on it now it probably was what has kept me living. A part of me died 1 year ago, and that parts not coming back. I've learned a lot in a year. I always wondered what it was going to be like-I never imagined that it would be as hard as it is. When someone you love dies only you can miss them in such a way that is unique to you. I've come to understand that the world doesn't care, it moves on, and it often moves on even if you don't want to. I understand now what it's like to have time pass me by. I didn't want to believe that any of it was real and I still don't. It's a pain in my soul, its the deepest sorrow I've ever felt in my life. I have conflicting feeling. Feeling of resentment, anger, guilt, loss, and confusion.

I have written on here repeatedly about why I feel guilty but not so much about resentment. I resent my brother for leaving me alone in this world to fend for myself. I didn't ask to left alone, I didn't ask to have to watch someone I love die. I didn't ask for any of it. If trials and tribulations are supposed to make you stronger then why don't I feel strong. I feel week. I feel like I can't breathe. I have to separate myself from the situation at hand-because if I don't then all I do is cry. I feel horrible for not wanting to think about all the time.

I still haven't healed from this, and I think that the process is still unfolding. It's only been a year and still hurts.

So in memory of my brother I put an add in my local newspaper back home. I put a quote in and I it said: "When people have bad days I am the one who will make them feel great and have good days" and then said I missed him and that we all miss him too.

In loving Memory of Micheal Paul Carver

Love sissy