Seeing Red

I didn't just do it on a whim, I've wanted to do it for so long
To just feel that rush again, to get butterflies in my stomach,
To not feel vile, to not want to vomit at the sight of myself,

The silver edge of a razor blade- one dull and one piercing.
I promised I wouldn't, but I had enough. I had to feel like I could breathe again, and I breathed.
I slide the blade into my skin, I watched my skin open up and bleed.
I'm tired of feeling everything-I just want to feel nothing.
I don't want my thoughts to overwhelm me-so I slid till I saw more blood.
I want to do it a thousand more times, but I know it wont make me feel better.
Tonight I want to drink until I'm silly-but I know there would  be consequences. 
I'm so tired-and yet I don't want to die.
I've never been defined as myself, I'm scared to be full of capabilities.
No one I loves knows I self-injure on a periodic bases-in my family anyway.
I have to be up in 8 hours and I don't know how I'm going to hide the cut.
I convinced myself that I was making a mistake and stopped at just one.
It's all a lie-I'm not mad, I'm sad-Anger's only half of it.
I'm in love with someone I can never half.....a girl.
I'm in love with how thin she is-and I'm jealous of her self control.
I'd die if she knew. It's hell. Love. Hate. There really not that different.
...Now comes the hard part.
School in the morning and maybe a starvation diet of 500 cals....

Night.
P.s. I know I messed up tonight, but life is just sometimes so damn difficult.