Everything Past

On January 17 I will turn 24 and in 3 weeks my brother would have been 25. It's not been a year yet and I'm still touchy about it. It's been about 8 months since May 6, 2011 and a lot has happened in those 8 months. I've been wanting to write about them and that's what this post is going to be about. The day I received the phone call there were several missed calls on my phone. When I reached the phone it wasn't my mother -but an ex bf who called to tell me he was sorry. Everything happened so fast that it really seemed like a blur. The wake, the coffin-less funeral-and then the expectation that I was supposed to go back to life as I knew it. Then my biological father the same day my brother died saying he was sorry for my loss-that made me angry. I didn't loose something I could replace-I lost something that was irreplaceable. I thought that when my brother passed away I was going to loose everything-and I did loose something very precious to me-but I also gained something irreplaceable. For years I've had a perspective that education could never teach me. I can understand things that my mother can't. With the education that I've gotten I understand the need for tough medical decisions-I understand that medicine in all it's glory can't cure everything-obvious right. What I'm getting at specifically is in the past 8 months I've learned that it's not about the steps you take but the reasons that guide those steps and how and when you decide to take steps that matter. A couple of days after my brother passed I couldn't eat-I mostly drank coffee. For about 3 months all I could do was picture my brother laying in the borrowed coffin. And.....then what I had been repressing, all hit me. Call me crazy, but two nights ago I had an AMAZING dream. My brother Michael appeared in my dream and "gave me the gift of peace." He told me not to worry about him and that he was okay. I feel released in a way from what I've been bottling up now for a good 5 months. I feel sad and depressed sometimes and that's okay.
This post turned out a little differently then I thought but I'm glad that in a way I'm back to my sometimes witty self. I haven't self-harmed in about a month, but I've been tempted to several times. It's hard to explain-sometimes it's easy, a little to easy to turn off feelings-especially when feeling overwhelmed and not so hard when I'm not overwhelmed. If I think about all the things that suck then it's easy. No one's life is perfect, and striving for perfection can drive many people crazy-I just happen to be one of those people I guess.

.....Going to start a different line of thinking on another post so c u there-<3QuiteLiLier (PT) screen-name.