Running away the pain.

Running is amazing and I'm lov'n it!
I'm obsessed-again I think. In fact I know I am probably going to have to become even better at hiding what I'm already bad at hiding. I did get new running shoes and they're actually pretty sweet. I've been running and it feels so good to get out the feelings I've had about school, life, and suicide. I'll add that they're suicidal thoughts not idealization. I feel anxious lately a lot and it's stressful.
Yesterday when I wrote that I was high it felt great to just relax. I'm finding myself angry lately-and a lot of it has to do with my family. LoL-I have no idea how the fuck works going to go....because I got high and it was so very funny.
Another thing happened-I felt tired but glad that I was actually doing something other then just thinking about food and when I don't think about food I don't eat. I worked for 8.5 hours. When I went to go on my break I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I essentially didn't want any fast food-the kind that has grease sliding off of it. Anyway, I ordered a medium ice coffee and the usual cream and sugar, and then said I'd like two apple dippers with it. Well I apparently didn't say it loud enough and got one.




 Well....I had written a paragraph about 20 min ago and just accidentally deleted it....

Anyway...the jest of the paragraph was that I'm wonder always wonder if anyone's caught on to my habits or if I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. S who I've mentioned in the past was who didn't hear me about the dippers and it just made me really curious. Well S is one of my biggest triggers. She is what I wish I looked like-my guess is she weights around 90lbs at most. I want that more then anything in the world. The question is can I get it or is my self-control not going to allow me to get it? If i can loose 3lbs then I can loose 33lbs.  It's at this point all about determination and will. What am I willing to do?

Well-since I'm bored and I need to write this down somewhere I'll do it here. My daily intake and exercise.

My intake began very early and usually always does because the shakes make me nervous. I' began at about 12 midnight and went from there.

Midnight binge
1. Fruit loops (2.5) servings...would have been nearly 3.5 but I threw a lot of it on the floor on purpose.
2. PopTarts (2) 1 serving. Woke up in the middle of the night just craving something (also the time when J came home)
3. Mandarin Orange cup.
Calories= 400+270+80= 750

Lunch binge
1. Grilled Chicken (1) serving
2. 1/4 Cup Regular Yoplait
Calories= 150+75= 225

Dinner binge
1. Cracker Cheese bitz. (2) servings
Calories= 260

Snack
1. Popcorn (2) servings
Calories= 125

Coffee Creamer (3) 75 cals
TOTAL=1435-354=1081.

...through some research (2512-[1435-377])=1058(Calories eaten/burned) 2512-1058=1454 (calories lacking).

Here I come bones!