Well there are many things that I lack in general, but it's almost to point now where everything is privy to disorder. I can't remember my ass from my elbow and if I do remember my elbow it's because someone else tells me where it is. I have never been good at writing things down-but I've always thought of my memory has being something that was clear-as of late it's both unclear and not reliable. I have done damage to my body that both is outward-through scaring from cutting and internal that has caused me to have chest pains, loss of memory and constant headaches. Needless to say if I were a car-I might be on my last leg.
I have such an urge lately to just purge that its sickening. I want to get my hands on the same vitamins that I used before-because not know whether one is coming or going can have its advantages. I'm obsessed with getting thinner-and at any cost I'll try almost anything.
OK. So what prompted the post today has to do with what happened earlier in the week. I didn't show up to work when I was supposed to, nor did I let anyone know that I "was just going to disappear". In case anyone at work has a clue-that's all I want to do. I didn't loose my job-but it was a close call. Too close. I didn't cry at work like I usually would have. Instead I walked out the door and walked home, called my mom and talked to her about it. I have a lot going on in my life that I haven't mentioned because it's just so overwhelming. And that's the problem.
So tonight I came to work on time and it was S's floor. I felt tired and didn't get as much done as I wish I would have. My times sucked and I felt ill. I felt vertigo-like I never had felt before. I know the feelings and I'm not afraid of them anymore. I think that I've decided I'm going to just let this thing that has a grip on me take it's course.
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