Haunted

I'm haunted by the very thing that I obsess about and some of the people closest to me don't have a clue about. I can't even say it out loud it brings with it a lot of emotion. When I think back to the times in my mind that stick out the most and have to do with an eating disorder I just wish I was back there. I felt protected even if it was on an unconscious level. Tonight I cried when I tried to make peanut butter cookies-breathed made the mix and then ate both the actual cookie and some mix. I felt dizzy shortly before and remembered the feeling from when I was really ill and nobody had a clue. I don't know if it's the fact that no one noticed what I was doing to myself or how serious it could have gotten if my brother hadn't asked me why I was measuring my food. I'm truly haunted by the ramifications that were caused by me. I've been told most of my life by my mother that everything was my fault and when she used to get mad it was always me she directed her anger toward. How could she not have a clue?
I've been running lately and it's been my release from work, my life, the stress, everything. I can let go-I can run away from it all.
I wish that I could literally disappear and not have to deal with the stream of information that just keeps flowing out of both my parents. My dad makes me want to crank the radio so loud that I just burst out laughing instead of crying. I don't want to be hurt by them and I have to say with a little reluctance it's exactly whats happening. I've held on to so many beliefs about things that I thought to be true and now they're not true. I don't want to be lied to anymore. I've had to hide my true feelings all my life because no one wants to hear them. I'm not free of the things that I thought I would be. It's going to sound nuts but I still worry about my brother, I still feel like in some deep way I'm still fighting for him. I've convinced myself that the only way I'll be able to feel anything is by feeling nothing. I don't want to get up in the morning because I know what each day will bring. It's the quiet in my head that I'm afraid off. It's like I feel flat lined and that usually is an indication of being dead. I want the memories, the  guilt that I feel to stop raining down on me-I want the heavy clouds of guilt to fade and for the sky to be bright.

Today I drank 2 pitchers full of water in an attempt to rid my body of the cookies because I felt disgusting after eating them. I also ran over 4 miles to just think; running faster then I was comfortable with. So for calories-not a clue my guess is high on the scale-I'm averaging about 1150. So according to www.caloriecount.com I should be eating 1812-I'm consistently under this number and am about 133. I have a current goal of 125 and an ultimate goal of 100...which I know to most is probably not healthy but I think I can control what's eating me..

<3 QuietLiLier