I have gone a-wall the last two days. Completely absent from class but not work. I'm insecure and stressed out. I feel disadvantaged and yet experienced in ways that aren't applicable to my current studies. I'm tried all of the time-so tired that I just stayed at home for the last two days. My bf sister is apparently 5lbs underweight and I'm jealous-it must be nice. I just fluctuate between 2-5lbs. Anyway...this is not my week. I wanted it to go so much better. I was going to be perfect have all my assignments done and everything-but I think a part of my depression is a part of why I feel the way I do. I'm so tired of everything and I always seem to make it though. I can't cut or take vitamins, or stop eating-which takes away all the things that are self destructive. In all honesty I wish that I had a reason to feel this way, and i do but a lot of people wouldn't use it as an excuse or give themselves pity parties. To a lot of people it must seem like I don't care-like I can't do it. But that's not it at all. I'm overwhelmed with a guilt that has paralyzed me into silence. I don't want to feel better, I don't want to be aware of what's around me, or how crazy I feel-I just don't want to care again. Some might say I want to be out of control so that I could have negative attention-the type that might put me into a psy. hospital. It's the way I feel-cause in all honesty I don't feel alright. I Want To Starve but don't have the nerve. I'm not really interested in sex but obviously my bf is so I can't cut in any obvious place. My heart's weakened by the vitamins I used to take to purge.  Clearly I need help right....