Dead and Dying

The dead and the dying share one thing in common-The Reaper

It was brought to my attention last night that my brother witnessed the death of his room mate.
It made me wonder if this experience was traumatizing/beneficial or both?
His name was Robert and he was in the late stages of Cancer.
I feel like I can't stand either death-the quicker or the slower someone dies doesn't matter anymore.
I feel uncomfortable-I feel as if I can't breath
I feel sad-I feel as if I want to hide away, I feel like crying
I know the inevitable is going to happen
THE REAPERS GOING TO COME.

So the plan is going to go like this: failure isn't an option

I have college classes that are extremely difficult and have presented some challenges. They are almost over and I'm so stressed out! But with that said, I not a-giver-upper so I have to press on and pray that I pass all my classes with C's or better! So I'm going to drop off a couple of mental blocks here:

The first block is:
My worry in general and my family-I often get so side tracked with them that to get any semblance of work done is near impossible. I am worried about my mom and her health and a intuitive feeling I've been getting lately. If it does come to fruition that my brother doesn't make it though to his next birthday then I won't be surprised. I haven't mentioned a lot about what going on with my family because I wanted to keep them outta of this but-I need to say this-What is currently being done to my family by a "family" friend is so wrong, and I have often felt guilty for not stating my feelings, rather opting to stay out of the situation, however  I have stated my feeling and I am not sorry for what I said. It makes me so mad to know that this "family" friend has the nerve to alienate both myself and my mother from my brother.
The second block is:
My OCD compulsion to clean! I seriously need everything to be spotless so I don't find reasons to get up and clean. It is a distraction, not being lazy that causes me to not do my homework, and for the time being-I just really need to control myself.
The third block is:
My need for perfection in my work the first time I do anything. I am capable of writing efficient papers, and they do not need to be perfect.


SO MY BF WAS ON MY COMPUTER LAST NIGHT-and he didn't tell me about it. I hope he didn't find this page or click on the link. But in case he did-I will be deleting my history for sure on my computer because I have a lot of other things on my computer-mainly thinspo, BUT I will NOT BE DELETING THE BLOG. So I'm sorry I haven't been on all that much-I have one more week of normal classes and then finals. It's going to be pretty sporatic for the next two weeks!
<3Neverendingalwaysbeginning

A Plan

Monday

Goal 800 calories

No Coffee and Creamer, Only tea

 (The caffeine drop off is going to be so HARD)

Dinner

"Forced food"

Corn w/salt & butter and large chicken w/lemon pepper crumbs

[111+270]

Possible ideas

Breakfast

20 cal fiber drink

100 cal of Soy Milk w/ Raisin Bran 190 cal

Lunch

A bell pepper 50 cal

Carrots 35 cal

so....

Grams of fat= 32 g

 Grams of Protein=34 g

Carbs=101Carbs

390+310+50+35= 786

so....

30 min exercise

This time I am not going to appear down or "loose" it.

I literally am going to be a library nerd for the next two weeks!

So...if I were to keep this up for 5 weeks which am going too I could weigh 129.6!!!!!! 

So Goal date of May 15!

Okay so I know I can do this!!!!!I will do this!!!!

The pictures below are just helpful reminders when I feel like I might "Loose It."

So when this summer I go on a vacation I can actually undress and not feel ashamed by fat

 

 <3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

The same time of night; 11 p.m.

It's at this point that I either usually binge after calling my SO. As of late my significant other however has been pissing me off and as my coping mechanism I've been throwing large amounts of food out. Tonight was was I've deemed a last supper. Yes today was Easter and as my SO implies holidays like that are for kids and not important religious wise or manufacturing wise. I'm going to do the tossing out of some more food in the hope that I wont have to be "forced" to eat it. Tomorrow is my significant others day off and I'm going to be at school most of the day so I'm going to try and not bring dinner "up". I have to make it so I can always do something to it I suppose. I have to be extra careful at this point because of two things. I've been wearing loads of clothes and I have new scares.

I feel a sadness welling up in my soul and a pain in my heart
I want to be left alone for a while with my thoughts
It's really painful for me to talk about death, but I have to do it
I feel like an empty shell just going through the motions

My school mind then usually gives rise to panic. I feel like some people can see right through me and it terrifies me. I haven't got the time to let what haunts me haunt me with the amount of work I have due this week. Wow this post is completely discombobulated and probably in some places contradictory. But anyway I digress with a plan!

I'm going to go to the gym this week all seven days-my goal for the week is to drop 5lbs.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Low

It's so hard to pretend that everything's okay all of the time. I got some disheartening news recently and the only way I continue to bear it is by writing. I have years worth of suffering bottled up inside and it's been  consuming me lately. I want to die because of it sometimes and I want my loved ones to know that they should never feel as alone as I do at times.  I wish there was a way that I could convey that; at the moment the only way I can is through meticulous articulation of words.

Sometimes I have so much to write and other times I can hardly write. It feels like the weight of the world is getting heavier and I have two choices: To run from the pain or to keep being strong. Both choices suck.

I had a conversation with my significant other (SO) the other night that got me thinking- My SO asked me "What is the difference between a distraction and laziness". It was clear that the definition of both words were the same and that I clearly think say house work is more important then schoolwork. What my SO doesn't get is that numbing pain can be done is several ways; through avoidance, through self infliction, and through whatever means a person deems necessary. My major is Psychology and it is stressful-housework is a way for me to get away from A. the stress B. the emotions I cant avoid.

I can't avoid the following feelings; ANGER, HATE, RAGE, JEALOUSLY, GUILT, SADNESS, DISAPPOINTMENT, HURT, RESENTMENT, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, EMPTINESS, REJECTION. The feeling that feels the worst is GUILT, for feeling JEALOUS.

I'm going to end this post with a few hopeful things because even though I feel like it's hard to pretend everything's alright all of the time-I do my best to at least try.

Here's a video by Lady Antebellum. It's entitled Never Alone.

Here is a quote from the book entitled Messenger: The Legacy of Mattie J. T. Stepanek and Heartsongs

I need a hope...a new hope.

A hope that reaches for the stars....

A hope that inspires me to live, and

To make all these things happen, 

So that the whole world can have

A new hope too.

Here another video that I can relate too. It's entitled Under My Skin

and Here is one last video who's lyrics have become quite familiar to me

 

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining

The Long Haul

It's come to my attention that I no longer have to attend track practice and that my internship will be ending on Wed. All that is left is past due work, presentations, and final exams. I have promised myself that this summer is going to be different and failed each year. I have been binging for a week nearly and it literally is unacceptable. I've gotten through the days better this way, but when I'm alone the stories different. Some people in my life seem to think that depression is either a joke or an excuse to not get things done. I sometimes feel like I'm living on a completely different planet. I've cut several times within the month of April and now have numerous scares, with no answers for them other then I don't know how that happened? If I actually get through everything this semester I will be amazed. I'm going to fast off this weekend into Tuesday and try to literally not breakdown. It's so scary sometimes not to say what is on the tip of my tongue-like oh by the way sometimes I wish I could just take a bottle of pills and know that I'm not going to die because sometimes I just feel dead inside.

Promises

[Ana Save Me]

You are nothing without me, I will make you beautiful, I will be your best friend. If you don't eat today, the hunger pains will be well worth your suffering-for thin is what beauty is all about. When you choose to eat, you are only thinking of yourself, you will surely loose the only best friend in the world who knows what is truly good for you. I know you'll be back and when you do come back, expect to suffer-I will force you to bleed and for that you only have yourself to blame. None-the-less when you do come back, the hunger pains, dizziness, and blackouts will return [remember thin is what beauty is all about] welcome them and do not be afraid. I am what makes you, beautifies you, will always be there for you. Food will NEVER do what I can do-so the next time you want to eat remember how ugly and insecure you are.

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining

[Ana Control Me]

I will be thin, at all costs. It is the most important thing; nothing else matters.

I must weigh myself, first thing, every morning, and keep that number in mind throughout the remainder of that day. Should that number be greater than it was the day before, I must fast that entire day. 

I shall not be tempted by the enemy (food), and I shall not give into temptation should it arise. Should I be in such a weakened state and I should cave, I will feel guilty and punish myself accordingly, for I have failed her. 

<3AnA BoNeS

[Letter to Ana]

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each week with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

<3Neverendingalwaysbegining