To say I have appropriate coping mechanisms is a lie. I cope with things the best way I can, and best ways I know are destructive. I have self-injured, I have buried thing, I have denied things, and I have hid away from things. I don't self injure as frequently anymore because it's getting closer to summer and I don't want leave anymore scares behind. I still bury things, deny things and hide away from things. I know that I need to start talking to people again, especially the ones that love me-but I can't. I am worst of all stubborn. Usually this would be a good thing, but it's not when you know someone else is right and your wrong.
I took on too much this semester and knew it halfway in and I didn't speak up and let anyone know. So honestly what do I do now? I've been hit with this giant wall of grief and some of the one's closest to me don't have a clue. I wish they knew how not awesome I'm doing. I feel like crying and I don't know why sometimes. I sit and stare out the window wondering about the future and not knowing what mines going to look like. I'm still sad and sometimes it's paralyzing. The world moved in the past year and it feels like I didn't. No one else has to care about my brother dying-it wasn't there loss, it was mine. I feel so alone and not strong enough to reach out and say it hurts so much I'm hurting myself.
It wont make sense, but this is what gets me through the day; denying that my brother is dead. What I know is that he is and he's not coming back. I'm a million miles away and going nowhere fast it seems. I think that I figured this process would take awhile, and I wished that the world was a more forgiving place. 16 days it will 1 year.
I didn't eat much and ended up purging most of what I did eat. I don't remember the very first time I did it or tried to do it. I want to say when I was in high school. I started to not eat and restrict a lot in high school. I felt guilty for wasting food and I think that's when I started to purge. My mother didn't have a clue. One of my most vivid memories was after eating more then I thought was adequate and waiting for my mom go to bed I took 1or 2 teaspoons of IPECAC syrup. I was so sick after it. At that time I was doing track and running at least two hours a day. I ate very little and went from 130-113 in a matter of two months. I don't remember if the gain was quick or not, but I ended up maintaning 121 for a little bit and then jumped to 130 and maintaning that for awhile and then slowly creeping up to 135.
I want to be 113 more then anything in the world right now and the stress I'm under isn't helping. I am sad, lonely, and probably dangerously impulsive when it comes to a few things. I want to be perfect lol- I know we all do in someway. I feel trapped however in this. I feel guilty and I wish that I could let go of it all.
In this time of uncertainty all that we can be certain of is that nothing is certain. ~Confucius
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