I got back from work, took a shower and basically ate-and feel asleep only to wake up feeling like I had the flu. I think I know why I might feel sick and weak and it boils down to one word. I have the attention span of someone half my age and all I think about is how much I'm pretty much fucked and how moving and finding a new job etc is going to be stressful. I could cause a panic attack in myself it's really that bad. I'm getting aches and pains now more...but I can't stop now. I haven't weighed myself in two, three, four days because I know I'm not 130 anymore-wouldn't surprise me if I were 133-135ish. I wish I had a buddy to converse with-it really does suck when I can't talk to anyone else that I think could understand the predicament I put myself in. I can't just openly say that I take vitamins to make myself purge because I think that I'm not thin enough, pretty enough etc. It not exactly pretty-and I really hate hiding things, lying about things-I'm horrible at both.
I'm hurting and it's the eve nearly of my brothers death. I cried a couple of days ago, honestly because I have so many unresolved feeling about it. I feel like he left me and that God played a cruel trick on me. I don't want to hurt anymore-a year later hasn't done much to make that hurt or anger go away. I didn't expect to feel the way I do now, how do you move on from that? I need to figure out a way to grieve that suites me not anyone else. With that said I feel as though I was rushed through the process because it inconvenienced certain people. I feel like I should have been sick and died. I'm still here and now I have to navigate this world by myself. I really wish that siblings knew how important it is to tell each other how much they love them because it is so easy to take them for granted. What do you do when you feel guilty for one not being there because you had to go to college, and for two couldn't stand to watch someone you love die? I feel GUILTY!!!!! Guilt is CRIPPLING. My sadness comes from a very, very deep part of my soul. I watched someone I loved dearly die a slow, painful, undeserved death. He knew that he was dying and I couldn't take that away. I wish that I could just hug him and tell him how sorry I was for not being a very good sister.
I went from what I can only describe as a numb feeling to feeling everything overnight
It's an unsettling and overwhelming feeling when the coping mechanisms that are already unhealthy turn potentially deadly.
I haven't cut because honestly if I were to cut every time I felt overwhelmed or sad I'd have a scar on every inch of my body.
I have gained so much more insight about myself, I believe then I ever would have without going through what I have.
My brother made me a better person-a stronger person, someone who loves deeply.
The vitamins numb the pain I still feel, and the pain that they cause make me know that I'm still alive.
I need to resolve this internal fight with myself or I'm going to die.
TTYS~QuietLiLier
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