It's been awhile or at least a while for me. I didn't finish the last post because I was tired and I've had a lot on my mind. I can't seem to get it right or a least seem to keep myself on a structured weight loss system. I literately fail. The only thing I can think of to do is to just stop-just stop eating. To stop going to the dinning hall for lunch, to stop going to the snack bar for food. I did this last year and I apparently was getting noticeably thinner. It's really sick that I want to feel as sick on the outside as I do on the inside. If I were to bring up that I have this disordered eating no one would believe me. It's all honestly so fucked up. To be more specific I am still taking vitamins but they don't have the same effect and it makes me mad.
Here's a short list of what I'm stressed out about:
I hate that I've been eating
I don't know if school's going to get payed for
I feel like I'm being haunted by my brothers passing
I hate my job
I still have to finish a class from spring semester
Today has been a long day and not for the obvious reasons. I have been steadily trying to eat healthy and to incorporate exercise which hasn't worked out too well. I have a cold that has made it difficult to work, go to school and exercise. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin-I look at my skin and wish that I could do something to just cut the fat off. I feel like I'm in a fat mans suit.
....bb to edit this post hw calls and so does my personal laptop!
First things first-the hurricane has passed and I and my family are safe. Secondly I think I've had something click in my mind that until now hasn't crossed it. There's a back story I have to explain however first. It's simply this; I drank I wrote and now it all clicks. I had written in a journal that I thought a co-worker with was basically an unsuspecting idol. What I find amazing about her is her subtle frailty. She's a hard worker and nothing seems to stop her. I want to be subtlely frail-I don't want to be solid looking-sold is healthy. If I felt what I looked like I would not be solid.
There's something that I've also been wondering about and it's this; if I'm only ordering coffee then what are my co-workers thinking? I sometimes order food too but that is predictable or bring in food. I know how the foods made and how it's cooked both when I bring it and sometimes when I eat in. I haven't had a mcdouble in forever-which makes me feel good-but is also scary.
So the gist of this post is to convey at least to myself frailty is what makes beauty.
I can't say that I'm exactly thrilled to go back-I can say that I'm ecstatic that I won't be working as much hopefully. I only say as much because I've been siting on my notice for about two weeks and I'll be giving it when I go to work in the afternoon. The school is booming once again with SOAR a student welcoming program for incoming freshman. I've been coming up more since my days off have been coinciding.
It's raining outside, and it's almost 5 in the morning I have to be to work in 6. I can't sleep because a lot is on my mind. I'm nervous about the semester, I'm nervous about how it's going to turn out and about working at the same time. If I don't live up to my expectations or other then I've failed. I know what I want to do-but want and will are two different things entirely. When school starts back up I'm going to be in the gym at least 5 days a week running and three days a week swimming.
I just want to do well and not be scared that it's going to fall apart. I keep so much inside and I have to be careful what I say to certain people. I hate that I have to do this because sometimes I forget who knows and who doesn't. I have a rant about the vitamins I've got currently- and it goes like this; fuck knock-offs! The vitamins I need are $20! Because the ingredients are slightly different I've unsuccessfully purged. A good thing right?
I feel so lonely. Lately at work I've drifted into outer space-sometimes I catch myself and sometimes I don't. There a whole lot left of feeling to do but no time to really do it. It's so hard to believe that I'm meant to go through all this shitty stuff for a reason. Pretending to be normal is a full time job. I wouldn't wish the pain of watching someone die slowly on anyone. It's all I can think about sometimes-especially at work.
Work is breaking me and I have to put a stop to it. It seriously only happens in the summer and I have no summer figure to speak off. The girl at work that I wish with every fiber of my being I looked like weight wise seems to do it effortlessly. I ended up pretty ill yesterday and was sent home about a half hour early-the result of my habit; vitamins. To be completely honest I wonder if the girl I mentioned above notices any of my tendencies. I usually order a lot of coffee. I obviously am addicted to caffeine but what would someone think if they only saw someone drink coffee. My weights only slightly fluctuated since I started there. I weigh a disgusting 135 and am at my wits end as to what to do to drop about 25lbs. I have no desire to exercise after a long days work and that is killing me. On nights where I feel up to it I go running-but that when I need to get something off my chest. It only amounts to two nights a week out of seven.
I have literately been unable to purge with the vitamins that I have. The vitamins I'm getting in about a week however will ensure this. I can't use laxatives when I have to work the next day because I have to move and function. It's not fun to purge-it's a stress reliever like cutting that doesn't leave scars. I know this paragraph sound crazy but I can't write how I'm really feeling in a journal because that gets read by my fiance which isn't fair.
I am stressed out for the most part with the prospect of going back to college. Between being hired back at Mcdick's and school I have to be ready and alert. I find myself drifting into oblivion so much lately that it's scary. The death of a loved one is never a easy process and individuals go through it all differently. I'm definitely not ready to go back in two and a half weeks.
The college that I go to, has an annual running camp, which runs through late June and goes till mid August brings so much thin-inspiration to me. It also makes me jealous though-the girls are all so thin! I am hideous in comparison to many of them and it's not making me feel so great. I should look great too and there's no reason for me not too. I need to stick to what I say and create a stable routine-so I can be that girl everyone compares themselves to-body wise anyway.
Well this as been a pretty long post and I need some inspiration. I think I'll start with a couple of video's and then some pictures. <3 NeverEndingAlwaysBegining!
Here a little of scary and not so scary running/normal thinspo.
I miss him so much it hurts. I cried tonight again and am haunted by it. I have waited for so long to feel something and now I feel everything. If avoidance is akin to blissful ignorance then agony is murderous. I want to be happy but I'm only sad. I hate my job-wont start with that though. Schools starting again soon and I'm scared to go back-because I will be that sad girl. It's not high school so a lot of people wont notice-thankfully. I haven cut in a little while which is good but I am back to vitamins and laxatives-which cause awful stomach pains when taken! I am 135.6....weird.
