Hope

Can one person truly be the key?
Is there a reason why one person sees something another person doesn't.
Is it really the eye of the beholder?
Am I the one who's vision has gone all wrong?
I don't see him, I don't feel him, I don't remember enough about him.
Can one person's pain be the Key?
I saw mine, I saw yours, and no one knew mine.
Am I privy to pain all my life, silently hoping and praying just one person will see.
You just can't turn a light switch and say everything's alright.
You have to have patience and bear my sorrows.
I am just hoping- you'll catch my fall.

Feelings

I believed anything was possible, that at any moment the unthinkable would happen.
I don't believe this anymore, some might say I've lost my faith entirely, and I might say it fell by the waste side.
I just wanted to be free, I just wanted to die-but I'd never let anyone I loved know.
I knew it wasn't ever easy, Life that is; Some of us run, some of us walk, some of us crawl and some of are brought to our knees.
I have been brought to my knees.
I have to pray that someday I'll breath again, hope again.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning 

I have to start again..

I want/need to make the following changes:

The first change is:

creating a morning routine.This morning routine would consist of at least 30 min. of exercise and 10 min of weight training. I know that having a routine that controls how much I exercise and what I eat would help the pounds melt. 

The second change is:

creating a no-eating-zone. This means that if I do eat it is between 9A.M. and 6P.M. After this time I am relegated to chamomile tea. 

The third change is:

follow through with my weight loss-after I got down to 113 I promised myself I would never go below 130. Every time I get near 130 I freak out. I know what I have to do and the process is slow and painful. I dictate what I put into my mouth and if I'm putting cookies in my mouth then I'm nothing more then a binge-r. In order for my confidence and hopes to go up I have to slowly eat less and less. Like Eminem says "Till I collapse."

MY GOAL for the SUMMER from June 6th-August 31st is to loose at most 30lbs and at the least 15lbs. That equates to about 2.5lbs per week! I want those people who didn't think I had it in me to look at me and say wow! So here I come 110-115

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Sigh-dedicated to M.P.C 2/7/87-5/6/11

It has been over a month since I posted and it's because so much has happened. On May 6th my brother passed away from a long time illness at the age of 24. I can talk about his passing but writing about his passing is different. I don't honestly want to remember the Friday he passed or the phone call I received or my reaction to both. It is so fucking hard to smile and I'm so much deeper saddened then anyone else seems to be aside from my mom. We both knew that he was going to pass eventually but didn't expect it to be as randomized as it was. I can't express in words how much I seriously miss him so I'm not going to try.

I will say this though; Michael

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you,

I tried to come up with words to sum up who you were,

They're aren't any that are good enough.

The sunshine you brought others always brightened even the most thunderous of your sky's.

You touched lives in ways I believe you couldn't even imagine.

I'm a better person because of you.

When the storms came you weathered them, when the pain was to much to bear you bared it.

Some of us are given choices, you choose Christ when he called your name and eventually home,

What a glorious site it must be, now your body is free,

No more sorrow, No more pain.

I was blessed to have known you and now I can sing

Christ can you hear me? If you can I need you.

Your are my sunshine-Unknown

I listened to this song in the days after his passing it made me cry, but it has a soothing melody.

Amazing Grace- Leann Rimes

The day that my brother passed away a man that's never been in either of our lives wrote to say that he was sorry for my loss. That man was my biological father and in order to get through the day without having an anxiety attack I just listened to this over and over again. If there's anything that I ever learned from my brother; it was to find forgiveness, and I pray someday I will for my father. 

Tears In Heaven-Eric Clapton

I found this song toward the end of the month and it brought me a little bit of peace; just another soothing song.

In Loving Memory-Alter Bridge

I found this song also toward the end of the month and it pretty much sums up how I feel about my brothers passing.

Dead and Dying

The dead and the dying share one thing in common-The Reaper

It was brought to my attention last night that my brother witnessed the death of his room mate.
It made me wonder if this experience was traumatizing/beneficial or both?
His name was Robert and he was in the late stages of Cancer.
I feel like I can't stand either death-the quicker or the slower someone dies doesn't matter anymore.
I feel uncomfortable-I feel as if I can't breath
I feel sad-I feel as if I want to hide away, I feel like crying
I know the inevitable is going to happen
THE REAPERS GOING TO COME.

So the plan is going to go like this: failure isn't an option

I have college classes that are extremely difficult and have presented some challenges. They are almost over and I'm so stressed out! But with that said, I not a-giver-upper so I have to press on and pray that I pass all my classes with C's or better! So I'm going to drop off a couple of mental blocks here:

The first block is:
My worry in general and my family-I often get so side tracked with them that to get any semblance of work done is near impossible. I am worried about my mom and her health and a intuitive feeling I've been getting lately. If it does come to fruition that my brother doesn't make it though to his next birthday then I won't be surprised. I haven't mentioned a lot about what going on with my family because I wanted to keep them outta of this but-I need to say this-What is currently being done to my family by a "family" friend is so wrong, and I have often felt guilty for not stating my feelings, rather opting to stay out of the situation, however  I have stated my feeling and I am not sorry for what I said. It makes me so mad to know that this "family" friend has the nerve to alienate both myself and my mother from my brother.
The second block is:
My OCD compulsion to clean! I seriously need everything to be spotless so I don't find reasons to get up and clean. It is a distraction, not being lazy that causes me to not do my homework, and for the time being-I just really need to control myself.
The third block is:
My need for perfection in my work the first time I do anything. I am capable of writing efficient papers, and they do not need to be perfect.


SO MY BF WAS ON MY COMPUTER LAST NIGHT-and he didn't tell me about it. I hope he didn't find this page or click on the link. But in case he did-I will be deleting my history for sure on my computer because I have a lot of other things on my computer-mainly thinspo, BUT I will NOT BE DELETING THE BLOG. So I'm sorry I haven't been on all that much-I have one more week of normal classes and then finals. It's going to be pretty sporatic for the next two weeks!
<3Neverendingalwaysbeginning

A Plan

Monday

Goal 800 calories

No Coffee and Creamer, Only tea

 (The caffeine drop off is going to be so HARD)

Dinner

"Forced food"

Corn w/salt & butter and large chicken w/lemon pepper crumbs

[111+270]

Possible ideas

Breakfast

20 cal fiber drink

100 cal of Soy Milk w/ Raisin Bran 190 cal

Lunch

A bell pepper 50 cal

Carrots 35 cal

so....

Grams of fat= 32 g

 Grams of Protein=34 g

Carbs=101Carbs

390+310+50+35= 786

so....

30 min exercise

This time I am not going to appear down or "loose" it.

I literally am going to be a library nerd for the next two weeks!

So...if I were to keep this up for 5 weeks which am going too I could weigh 129.6!!!!!! 

So Goal date of May 15!

Okay so I know I can do this!!!!!I will do this!!!!

The pictures below are just helpful reminders when I feel like I might "Loose It."

So when this summer I go on a vacation I can actually undress and not feel ashamed by fat

 

 <3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning